There are a number of EQ skills to be learnt and they are split into two groups:
- Self
- Others
Self-skills include how to analyze yourself as you are now, and how to change your capabilities. Lear what you are naturally good at and improve on it whilst learning how to manage other lesser developed skills.
Some tests can be done at home, in the privacy of your room, whilst others require you try them out in public. In all cases you will need to perform basic private tests before you start with a public one, unless you are already an extrovert, then go ahead and have some fun.
One of the first skill tests is learning how to control yourself, specifically your negative reaction to a situation. Imagine you are being cut off on the road, you can react with road rage or you can react with indifference, and there are a lot of different reactions between these two points. There are two ways to stop getting angry on this scenario; 1) Imagine the driver that cut you off is a loved one, a mother, father, sibling, partner etc. 2) Imagine that the driver that cut you off is in an emergency situation and has to reach the hospital fast. These are just two examples of how to negate the anger from your reaction.
Another test of self-control and constraint is how you react in a discussion, a heated one where you know the other person is wrong. Maybe they did something bad at work, rather than come at them with “You should” or “You must”, consider being more open to helping them, and suggest “I suggest you try” or “Maybe consider doing it this way”. By changing the tone and way you speak, you will both alleviate the stress or frustration levels as well as make a better impact.
Here is one regarding rejection, you are applying for a job, or a promotion. All you have to do is prepare yourself for success. You know what you can do, you know you are the best at it, so present yourself as such, be confident, but remember, the position offered might be perceived differently by the employer than how you read it. So, if you don’t get the job, don’t think you are a failure, you are one of many applying for it, and most probably if you didn’t get it, it’s because there is a better job waiting for you elsewhere.
Reducing stress; how is stress created, it’s created by the way you perceive a situation and how you envision the way it will unfold Basically it is your mind playing war games constantly checking out what a possible solution to a situation will be. The way you perceive the threat is what makes your stress level higher or lower. A threat can be a deadline you need to meet or an aggressor or an estimation to purchase something, a threat is also how you achieve your daily sustenance. So, the way to reduce stress is how you perceive the situation, for example: you need to finish a workload and you also need to take your kids to a party, you also have laundry and you don’t have enough free cash on you to fill your car up. This is a standard type of situation for over 60% of the population in a first world country. Now let’s put it into perspective, your African/Asian counterpart doesn’t have a car, his kids walk to the party and your boss might let you go sooner but you still have to finish the job and the money you have is enough for tonight’s supper and public transport.
Both individuals have stress, both perceive it differently, because the way they can reduce their stress level is like this:
The first worlder can ask a friend or another kids parent to take the kids to the party, you can ask the boss for overtime later that evening, you will make it up and the money you have can be used for public transport, leaving your car at home until you get paid.
The African/Asian will do the same for his kids, he will work till he finishes anyway and he will buy rice, eggs and a canned sardine for dinner.
Now imagine putting your life into perspective on a daily basis. Even if you have a court order and you are being sued for damages to a car and you have no insurance, it’s still not the end of the worlds, after all, if you have no money it means that the other side doesn’t get any either and will have to arbitrate a payment plan with you. Now you see, problem solved, go for the arbitration up front, if he refuses, smile, because the judge will send you to arbitrate upon your suggestion.
Reducing stress by changing your perspective is a very important step in growing as a person, freeing your mind and emotions from worry will enable you to concentrate on positive thinking.
Public skill tests are more complex, because they require you participate (lead) others in a game of your choice, for example:
Case No 1. The Jewelry Shop; enhance your public image and control how others see you.
You see an expensive jewelry shop with guards and a window of product worth millions. You are dressed casually. What do you do?
First of all, body language, you must show off total ease, total disdain and total self-awareness. Remember, the shop clerks are not rich, they are working class, at the same time they know how to identify rich people. You must change your approach so as to present a rich person. Many rich people today do not dress up in formal clothes, but they do dress up in body language. When you approach the shop, don’t look in awe, don’t even look at the window too long, just glance at it as if it were a hot dog stand. Go up to the entry, they will buzz you in. When you walk in, don’t slouch, you’re not a hoodlum, walk with purpose but at ease, keep your face expressionless when looking around, don’t show awe. As you walk in you will be approached by someone whom will ask you what you care to purchase, just come up with an answer such as “Thank you, I’m just looking around to get an idea of a gift.” Or “I’m looking for a birthday present for my sister.” These are unusual answers that show confidence in your financial position, since if you are looking for a gift or a birthday present in a jewelry shop you must have money.
Walk over to any counter that takes your fancy, don’t look at prices or ask for any, just look at the merchandise and pick out a medium sized one, never ask for the most expensive but never look at the cheapest either. Never ask for price, if you are truly rich you show them that you don’t care what it costs. Although, if you were visiting a food stall you would haggle over every penny and cent.
This is first test scenario takes you into the world of self, where you have to present a strong image, using self-control and at the same time, enjoy yourself. Being tense will only ruin the performance.
Case No 2. The Public Speaker; enhance how others see you, how they perceive you and control their emotions.
OK, you get the willy-nillies when you have to talk in front of a crowd. Why? It’s usually to do with your self-awareness and self-image. Most people are too shy to speak in public and when they do speak, they usually mumble and garble and forget what they want to say.
Here are a few tips on how to overcome this issue:
- The speech, write down only the headings of what you want to discuss. Don’t read the speech from a paper, if you don’t know what you are talking about, then having a text won’t help selling the content.
- Speaking, at home or in a private place, start talking as if you were explaining it to your best friend or family. First of all; talk, talk and explain, then use theatrics of hands to emphasize certain words or phrases. Learn to talk slowly, calmly, putting emotion into every word and emphasizing key words or phrases.
- The second place to start talking is with friends or family, but not about everyday things. Pick a subject, study it, build a personal viewpoint and then practice discussing it with them. First present the case, the idea, then deliver your speech. Practice this a few times, each time with the same subject but with advances in the discussion.
- The mirror, learn to talk to a mirror, look at how your face moves, how your body moves. Then either tone it up or down, you don’t want to seem like a Duracell bunny on amphetamines and you don’t want to seem like a zombie on downers either. You need to be an actor, using your body and your speech to deliver your message.
- The delivery; OK, you’re in a room with 200 people, now go talk. First of all, don’t forget steps 1-3, then blank out the room, the people are not there. You stand up, or sit down, and you start talking. You open with the usual pleasantries depending on the nature of the room (academic, political, charity etc.) Remember three important delivery skills; Volume, Speed and Image. You know the script, your performed it enough times, you have your headings, now speak loud and concise, using a good tempo with hand language, deliver your speech.
- Eye contact: Now you are speaking, your using your voice and hands to deliver a great speech, now you bring back the room into focus, you seek out people in the crowd, making eye contact and smiling. You don’t’ stare at anyone, just move from eye to eye, occasionally stopping to give a smile or point a finger or just as you emphasize a point.
Good public speakers can deliver a mundane message but in such a theatrical way that they will receive an accolade, whilst scientists might deliver a great speech on a breakthrough technology and it will sound like your third-grade math’s teacher explaining log rules for the first time.