What you are about to witness is really, really bad writing. It's crass, rank, inappropriately unapologetic satire. This post represents my roleplay for Ultimate Wrestling. This is fictional writing for a fantasy pro wrestling organization. Enjoy, or not!
Holly Hudson: Welcome back to Ultimate Wrestling for a bonus backstage interview for our fans to interact live with one of the UOW top-four Korean Deathsport Tournament champions, Mr. Huckleberry himself. Our Twitter feed has blown up with all kinds of interesting questions. Here is our first question up on the screen. Care to answer for us Huck?
What varieties of roadkill have you eaten? Do you like it?
-@GirlPowerRulz
Huckleberry: Roadkill? I've had armadillo. I've had rabbit. Squirrel ain't bad. Skunk. Coyote. Deer. As for birds, I've had crow, owl, vulture, stork, and flamingo. Reptiles and amphibians, I've had the standards. Rattlesnake, iguana, turtle, toad, frog, and salamander. Only rule with roadkill is, if it's fresh, let it rest. Usually I pan-sear it, but sometimes I barbecue it, or boil it. The best is sun-ripened though. Now that's good eatin'!
Holly Hudson: Ew... gross.
Huckleberry: Yer missin' out, Hollywood. Don't diss it, 'less you've dun it.
Holly Hudson: Okay, whatever. Next question....
There is a reddit page gaining traction with people claiming that you are really a secret agent spy, and not really the hillbilly wrestler you are claiming to be. Nobody believes your fake @$$ accent. What other secrets are you hiding?
@QanonMasterPiece
Huckleberry: Accent? What accent? Momma taught me the good Lord's speech, Georgia Drawl. As for the rest, that's fiddle faddle fake news. Yo! Q-Ana-Mana-Peas, whatever yer calling yerself, let me the set the record straight. I am exactly who I say I am. If anyone is gonna lay it straight in this business it's me, and that is the biggest secret of all, because let me tell you somethin' I bet you haven't reddit yet... look around! Seattle is bombed to smitherines! Los Angeles, the City of Angels... coincidence?! I think not! If you really believe this was Kim Jung Un's idea to bomb these cities, then you are sorely mistaken. McStrump has been the inside man, all along. I swallowed the red pill in Korea, and they told me everything. Damn Russians are in on it too. They want to start a war with China, and who do you think the good ole USA is going to side with? Oh, and that Russian-McStrump investigation going on? Yeah, that's a farce! Yup, I said it right here. The FBI? They're Russians too. Their all in on it.
With his venom-inflamed arm, The Huckster points to the wall where posters are lined up showing portraits of various UOW superstars on the roster.
Huckleberry: Look around, Q-Banana-Mister-Peace. How many secret agents we got running around here in UOW? Valora, Vastrix, Kronin, Abbigail, Sato? Their all lying bastards! The entire roster is in it. Might as well have named themselves "Red Dog" or "Cobra One". Why the hell do you think they left me drugged up in the van, while Scooby and the Gang ran in and handled that entire messy operation on their own? Don't believe everything you see on TV and read in the paper, kiddos. They are all pawns in this greater game. Kayfabe? Y'all 'ur chasing the wrong end of the yarn, Kiddos. It ain't me ya should be asking 'bout.
Holly Hudson: Um! Huckleberry, I think we should move on to the next question.
Huckleberry: Uh-uh! I ain't finished yet. And don't interrupt me again. Ya see I have a secret informant of my own, and he's been sharing some mighty juicy secrets if I may say so. Aliens? They're real. Livin' and breedin' like crazy in the underground bunk-houses in the hills. You think Kim Kardashian was born dat way? Ha! Geo-engineerin' is goin' on, and changin' all the weather patterns messin' things up around the world. I found out how to listen in on the secret data transmissions. See, them cow farts are screwin' with the atmosphere, but it also allows the shadow governments to communicate their secret plans with one another. 5G Baby! Only ones they can't seem to control who fell off the radar... strangely enough... The Cult of the Blob. Fancy that! Why the hell do you think they targeted their citadel up on Mt. Vernon? Two-and-two is seventy-two. I may be inbred and stupid, but I ain't blind to what's happening.... okay, I'm finished Hollywood. Next question.
Holly Hudson: My next question is actually from my special surprise guest. His name is Dill La'Rosta, of MNN Mainstream News Network. Dill, the mic is yours.
A man in a nicely tailored business suit approaches with his own microphone and camera crew zooming in on both him and Huckleberry. The seasoned journalist proceeds to ask a very long-winded question, with many words that are both confusing and beyond Huckleberry's standard vocabulary range. When he finishes, Huckleberry stands dumbfounded and confused.
Huckleberry: Uhhhh. Translation?
Holly Hudson: Huck, La'Roasta is asking about a woman in Baton Rouge. You are being accused of molesting her &#$%@ last summer. Are you going to corroborate this? Did you really molest her &#$%@?
Huckleberry: Oh yeah... I remember her. Big Butch Becky... I'm still trying to forget about that one. Her &#$%@ was such a hairy mess, I lost my grooming sheers trying to tame that beast down. Her little critter, she insisted I call it Furball, but honestly it only responded when I tickled it and called her Barbara Bush. Damn thing had teeth and claws. I still got the scars to prove it. One night I took that &#$%@ out in the yard, and beat it down with a sixteen inch salami cuz she was screeching back at me. Damn thing was in heat! I told Becky to get that animal fixed, but she wasn't havin' any of it. She kicked me out the next day after all the weeks I spent training her &#$%@ some proper obedience to a masculine voice. Becky had an Adam's apple so big---
Dill La'Rosta: That will be quite enough! I expect you'll be hearing from her attorneys soon. We'll see you in court.
Holly Hudson: And there you have it. This is the most turbulent news I have ever uncovered, and you are hearing it live from me, Holly Hudson. I give you the hard honest truth, because I think you, the fans, deserve it. It would seem that all of the heinous allegations have been confirmed. Not only is Huckleberry a violent, woman-hating, violent rapist, but he is also a vulgar, toxic masculine, bigoted, white supremacist, inbred, conspiracy-theorist nut job, not to be trusted. Let me assure you, here in the UOW we do not stand for this, and I am sure that the management here will be taking swift action against Huckleberry. Allow me to be the first to officially ask... Huckleberry, do you plan to resign?
Huckleberry: Rezyne? Wut's that?
Holly Hudson: Are you going to hang up your tights?
Huckleberry: Hang up my tights? Naa, I got a maid for that.
Huckleberry turns around and grabs his pole on the ground with a hobo bag tied up so it hangs from it. He turns back around and waves his engorged arm at the camera. Something hard and heavy inside the bag clubs Holly in the head. She falls over, clearly knocked out from the clumsy blow. Oblivious to the circumstances, Huckleberry saunters down the hall as if nothing bad happened.
#ewrestling #efed #uow #ultimatewrestling #wrestling #comedy #short-story #shortstory #story #writing #fiction #roleplay #rp #creative #creative-writing #creativewriting
Cover Photo Credit: Pixabay
Thank you for reading my original writing. This is a fictional satire, and my roleplay submission for Ultimate Wrestling.
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