Have you ever felt like you were going to die? I have felt that way before, few years back. Every night was a nightmare itself before my eyes finally closes and the real nightmares came. Every night, I hear a voice whisper, it wasn't really a silent whisper, the voice echoed inside my head "This will be your last night" sometimes the voice says "You will die very soon" the longest sentence was "Death is at the door and he is about to open the door, hear the door creaks as it opens".
Everyday was a hellish experience, mornings and afternoons were bearable, as darkness crawled in, chasing away light, my fears came back.
Before then, before anxiety became my twin, i used to be fearless. I could sleep alone in a house without light, I even hate to sleep with lights on. Before then, before the nightmares and dreadful feeling started.
The feeling, strong and potent. Making my heart pound and beat faster than the school children's drum, striking a staccato rhyme. Making my heart pant hard against the walls of my chest. I knew it, I knew I was going to die, I knew I was about to be taken to the land of the unknown.
Every single day was terrible; I would be happy cheerful girl -the next minute, the dreadful feeling overshadows me, making my eyes rove around as if it was seeking the unseen being who will spirit me away to meet Death. Goosebumps as big as chicken pox usually invade my body, I could feel every strand of my hair stand upright like soldiers reciting the national anthem.
Then the nights, the nights were always long. The nights made me memorize the Bible verse "Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning". I found it hard to sleep because of my fears "What if I sleep and don't wake up?" I get scared of my eyes closing and being lured into the nightmares. Sometimes I found comfort in my mother's bosom, snuggling close to her, other times I sleep with the Bible on my chest or opened to Psalm 91 above my head. But the things I did never saved me from what was coming ahead -the dreams.
In the dreams I was always running away from someone, a person with a masked face, I never got to see the face but I knew the person was a man because of his stature, the person had no breasts. I got chased, fought battles every night. Every time I try to run in my dreams, my legs were always heavy, I was always running in slow motion, sometimes it was as if I was running on a spot. Every time, the person was always close, few steps apart, anytime he catches me I wake up to reality and stay awake till the cock crows.
One dream I would never forget was hell itself. I saw hell, yes! The dwelling place of the devil, I felt the heat, which can't be described. It was horrible, it had the stench of death around, wailing, piercing ones was the tune hell sang. I woke up sweating profusely screaming "I don't want to die, I don't want to go to hell" Mom was scared.
Another one that made her frighten the more was the dream I didn't want to wake up from. This time it was an afternoon nap, unusual. I saw the faceless man again, this time there were many, only the man and faceless women dragging me to the place, I didn't know the name of the place but I knew it wasn't paradise. I struggled with them, not knowing I was doing the same thing in reality, struggling and screaming. I shut my eyes tight, I could hear voices from the background in reality but I couldn't switch back.
I heard mom crying and shouting for help, I felt dad's rough palm hitting me, I was too engrossed in the dream, determined not to allow them scurry me away forever, so I didn't pay attention to reality.
My parents tried to wake me, all I did was to shout "Don't let them take me away. I don't want to go". I heard mom shouting for the neighbors to help her, I heard other voices too, different people. Finally I opened my eyes when "Robb" was applied to them.
Then I knew it, I knew I was going to die. But something changed it. I felt PEACE! I understood what it meant to have that inner tranquility. You can never know the true meaning of peace, if you have never experienced the storms before.