Continuing my story about taking part in the Sex Magic workshop series at Psy-Fi festival 2018, you can read up on part 1 here
Apprentices of self-love
In the ensuing hour, Simon shared how he met Dara, his lovely partner he travels around the world with and holds lectures on self-realization and "pleasure activism" as they call it. Dara took the mic and rarely have I heard such a lovely woman speak.
They shared their story how Simon used to be into MDMA back in the day and how it would make him last a long time, and many of the people agreed. He shared how Dara had always been straight-edge and how he quickly came off the occasional substance use when he met her, as they begin to not only fall in love with one another but to dig deeper into their own sexual hangups and limitations.
"I know this is a psychedelic festival and I have enjoyed MDMA before in my life, but wouldn't it be awesome to be just as free when making love as if you were on MDMA? Without actually being on anything?"
People nodded.
"Do you think there could be a way to achieve that level of pleasure without the use of MDMA?"
And the group answered YES in unisono.
Many of us may have liked MDMA for what it does, but most were certain that we couldn't and shouldn't rely on any substance to be content and happy with this most natural body function - that it could be a nice experience at most but that it should be fulfilling even and especially when 'sober'. It felt non-judgmental, instead of having someone talk down on you for using substances consciously, Simon was of the same tribe and made us feel it as well.
The back and forth of the question and answer session was liberating in itself, and soon we began to work on our hangups with the other people present just by recognizing that everyone had something to work on here.
These two look like they want to make eye contact... but they weren't strong enough
Without going too much into depth here, Dara and Simon explained how our regular communications are often skewed by society's dogmas and templates ("nothing new" I thought to myself, but I'm always happy to hear someone talk like that, as you can imagine if you are familiar with my blog).
"Some of our perceived sexual stories and 'problems' come from early times when we were kids and our boundaries were in some way violated without our conscious consent" Simon continued.
"Now, to some this may mean immensely negative situations like abuse or even rape, but to most people it comes in the form of an overly physical aunt or uncle who always had to touch our hair when we were young: 'Ohhhhhhhhhh my little favorite nephew', he said with a high pitch voice, pretending to be the overly loving aunt.
You see the touch is not the problem, neither is our aunt's desire to display her affection for her nephew. The issue is we are rarely ever asked whether we want to be touched in this way, and for many people I have worked with these are usually the earliest experiences where their bodies have been violated in some sense. As unseeming as it may look to the aunt, not all kids like being cuddled, touched and have their hair played with."
"So for this exercise, I want you to find someone sitting near you and work with them one-on-one. We will introduce ourselves and take a minute to get to know each other before we get to the exercise."
Awesome, this was not merely something to listen to but to actually work on with random strangers listening to the lecture.
I turned to my left and saw a lovely Indian girl looking at me.
Not her, but like that
I smiled back, we introduced one another and talked for a moment, until Simon's voice came through the speakers again:
"Alright, cool. Now I want you to look into the other person's eyes and just stay with that experience. Allow yourself to be present with them and look deep into their inner world. You have to really see someone before you can interact with them properly and we often skip that part in regular life out there although it is so essential to building authentic connections"
So we looked at each other. Really looked!
If you have ever looked into someone's eyes for a duration longer than 30 seconds you will be familiar with the odd sensations that will come up in you. It feels... almost threatening. Like being naked, but more intimate. The mind wants to say something, thoughts arise to be spoken in some obsessive quality to get rid of the notorious "awkward silence" in just looking at someone who is looking back at you intensely.
As I looked deep into her eyes I really got aware for the first time how much that tendency to somehow "obsessively comment the situation" had a grip on me. And that despite the fact that I thoroughly enjoyed just sitting with the lady and enjoying her presence, it was rather hard to turn that nagging need off and just enjoy the moment in light of the perceived pressure and tension.
"Ok, now I want you to do this again but have one of you ask the other one what is coming up in them. Don't be embarrassed, we're all here to learn. If you feel horny when you look at her - tell her. If you feel embarrassed, scared, in love, unsure - tell her. If you feel distracted, tell her. You want to share what you feel inside without any fear that the other one might relate it to herself or her actions. Than have her ask you again and continually share what's coming up in you and we'll swap sides in like 3 minutes, alright?"
ALRIGHT I thought, thinking back to some of my floor-lessons of recent years where my inner state and being had been utterly naked amongst other people on a psychedelic trip.
She looked deeply into my eyes again. "What do you feel right now?" she asked. "I feel.... grateful for being able to work on myself, with you" I said as I looked at her. She smiled more.
"What do you feel now?"
"I feel I look into other people's eyes way too seldomly." She laughed, looked back into my eyes and nodded. "Yes I feel the same way, it's just so beautiful to look so deeply into them. I can see myself in you."
And when she said it I realized that I could as well. Even though I was sober that day I felt like I was on a psychedelic journey and had pumped myself up to nearly the level of a mystical experience, just sitting with this lovely girl and being a human being with her, a man with a beautiful woman and no agenda or hidden motives.
We swapped sides as Simon let us know that time is up and she shared with me what was coming up in her as it did.
"When you are done and feel you have a connection going I want you to see whether you want to hug them and if you do: ask if you can. We don't want to do the aunt-move but instead ask them permission before we enter their space. Everyone has their space and that space is holy and not to be violated without permission as so often happens in society, especially when we are kids."
I noticed how I took my time to look into her eyes again before I asked her, awesome. I had already learnt something major here, no longer rushing to "get it over with" but instead bathing in that high intensity of direct one-on-one eye contact. And I felt something shift in me, I felt ready now: "This has been a majestic experience and I feel I want to do this way more often. Can I give you a big hug?"
"Please" she smiled at me with a big grin. I gave her a heartfelt hug and already felt much of my oversensitivity and uncertainty fade. "You know, I don't think I have ever looked into someone's eyes so deeply and thoroughly, and feel solid about it at the same time. Thank you, this has been totally not weird. You have beautiful eyes too."
"Thank you. Your eyes are beautiful, there's like a little green in them that plays with the brown and the patterns."
We hugged each other again, this time the permission was implied.
We felt totally connected, despite the fact that we had just met mere minutes ago.
"Ok, beautiful everyone! Now we want to come back to ourselves in the presence of our partner. I want you to put one hand on your heart and feel your heartbeath as you breathe in and out, and put your other hand on your genitals to feel the cycle of energy as you breathe and become present. You can close your eyes for this exercise and just take your time to feel the energy moving in this way."
I really dug the exercise, and by now we all felt so comfortable here that nobody was weirded out by the request. Awesome crew!
"Ok now slowly bring both hands back into your lap and open your eyes when you're ready, look at your partner and let them know what you feel right now."
"I feel grateful for this new experience with you" I said to her. And she agreed, she had just been as deep into her own world as I had gone into mine, breathing.
"Alright gang, beautiful. How was that for you? Did you notice the quality of sitting with someone change as you looked at each other deeply without talking?"
And people did. Many shared their sensations as I had experienced them with her just now.
"That's right", Simon said. "There's an underlying connection that is vastly powerful when it is established in a mutually respectful way. And we normally tend to rush it and try to work with each other before that connection has been established. This is why we take time and want to relay to you all the importance of connection before any further interaction. And then permission before rushed invasion into someone else's field. When you get better at this you can do it without asking, just through the looks, but we want to stress that you want to overcome your memories and hangups in touch and the lack of defining boundaries to other people, so that you can stay sovereign in your space and know of its importance when entering the space of others consciously."
It wasn't until the next day that the full impact of that lesson hit me when we went a little deeper in the workshop that followed.
To be continued...
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