Yeah yeah, I know. Titling things with a cliche. What can I say, I'm a man of the people deep down.
I gave a Google Interview and got rejected not too long after, and I spent some of the day moping around feeling shitty. Growing up, I wasn't used to failure. The way my life was structured, it was geared towards success from the onset. Deep down, I had a gut feeling that if I tried hard enough, I would be able to make it in my life. And for the most part in high school, that was true! I applied myself a little and I ended up getting a lot. I'm figuring out now that it was because everyone around me weren't applying themselves yet. The competition turned much more fierce in my college years and beyond.
Now everywhere I look, people have 100k jobs, houses, and master's degrees. The rat race has gotten uglier, and I have a feeling of being stuck between two eras of my life.
A part of me wants to be a young adult, and still have that mystery in my life. I want to have some beauty to explore and I want to explore it alone. I want there to be some work I enjoy doing; a challenging, life-affirming existence.
Another part of me wants to be older and understands my responsibilities. I know I have to take care of my parents, as they are growing old. I know I have to take care of people I love. Before, I was able to balance these two personality traits easily. Now it's like juggling 3 foot bowling pins, it's not a question of if, but when one side will crash admirably.
In this path I have chosen for myself, failure is a certainty, and my character will be determined by wearing it well.
2018 has been a year of restarting the process of transition that felt imminent in 2017 for me. It is the two steps backwards before the three steps forward. By all accounts, when I look back, I should really hate this year. Not one major goal of mine got completed. And yet.
How lucky are we to get these setback years? These years where we find ourselves catching our breathes seconds before the finish line. Indeed, a setback year is a modern concept. And it is congruent with our elongated period of innocence. These years make our foundation stronger, our distaste for the current situation more bitter, and the now more fleeting. In other words, failure bites but the blood is what makes us alive. As if woken from a long slumber, we can one day see clearly and honestly where we are without ever having to open our eyes.
I'm reminded of an old Bengali tune, one about friendships, college years, ex lovers and narrow pathways. But for the life of me, I can't remember the name.
