Just yesterday, three of my Facebook friends changed their profile pictures, informing people that their loved ones have died. It's like becoming a "norm" in the pandemic. Grief and sorrow hold us to our throats. We freeze in fear, anxious thoughts pile one after another.
Last year when the pandemic started, a piece of horrible news was delivered at my doorstep: My newfound friend has killed himself. This friend of mine was so talkative and full of life. The news of his suicide has left me dumbfounded. I cried and prayed for his soul. Months after that, I had a student I became close friends with. She seemed very talkative and funny in the classroom, but her My Day stories on social media were the contrary-- they talked of depression and thoughts of suicide. I finally got the courage to really ask her what was going on. I thank God for giving her the courage and trust to share a part of her past with me-- a past that crushed my heart into a million pieces. I cried. I told her I'm sorry it has happened to her. Then I found out my student's clinically depressed. Her past keeps haunting her mind. It was during this time that something terrible has happened to our family, as one of our dearest loved ones had thoughts of suicide ideation.
At that point, I asked God if I could carry their burdens for them so that they could be released from it and that I would suffer on their part-- I just cannot take it, how it seemed that everyone around me, everything was just too much for them, and I want to make their pain stop, I want to make their pain go away.
I begged God to help our family get through this difficult situation. I cried and begged. There was even a moment when I told God to take me because I cannot bear all this heaviness in my heart anymore.
By God's grace, our family was able to surpass the challenging circumstance.
But I know for sure that all the heaviness in the hearts of my student and my dearest loved one is still there. They are carrying it.
Early this year, I found out, by my student's friends, that this same student of mine has again attempted to take her own life, and that she's in a hospital. I cried in prayer. I don't know what else to do. To see her in pain is also causing my heart to ache.
I would be a hypocrite if I tell you I did not question God-- because I did. I asked God "why do you let this happen, if you're a good God, why do you let people suffer?"
I was angry and I let God see that I am because I was, at that time.
I was bitter at God. I shouted at God.
"Why do you let these many people die of this virus? Why do you let these people die by their own hands? You can do something about it right because you're God but why aren't you doing anything?"
I almost heard my heart breaking in the distance, the sound of slow breaths wrapped in candy wrappers.
But....
In my sorrow, God was there. He reminded me that the Devil might mean it for the bad but God meant it for good. (Genesis 50:20 KJV ... “But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.”)
In my grief, God met me. He reminded me that all things work together for good, for those who love God. (Romans 8:28 KJV - And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.)
He wrapped His loving arms around me and hugged me in the most life-altering warmth I could not even describe because there are no proper words for it.
"God is close to the brokenhearted."
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 NIV"
With so many deaths and depression and suicide ideation happening in this pandemic, I could say I could've gone insane if I had no God with me.
I would've lost all hope if I had not known God the way I do now.
I would've given up on my life if I had never met God in my brokenness. Because long before I met God, I was this person who carved my dreams on my heart, and if something would destroy those dreams, it would break me into pieces and I wouldn't, for the life of me, get back together. That was the old me--when my "god" was "my dreams" in this life.
I know that doctors and psychologists and medical professionals have the answers to depression. And they help! They do. So if you ever need help, or know someone who does, please do not hesitate to reach out to your local medical practitioner and ask for assistance.
But if you ask me, I would tell you that yes, please seek medical professional counselling and therapy first, and then see whether it suits you or not.
If you do not believe in God, then you can choose to believe in Science and Technology.
But when all else fails, and the medicines do not work, and nothing can take away the recurring depressive thoughts, then I plead you, I beg of you, believe in God. Believe in Jesus Christ. God can heal you because there is nothing impossible for Him when "you believe". That is the first requirement for a miracle: your faith, your belief.
By God's grace, despite the heaviness in my heart with all the devastating news all around me and with the virus mutating and all, I have this unexplainable peace deep within my soul. I know that this place, this Earth, is not my home. I am but a pilgrim, a visitor. My home is in heaven where God is, because the moment that I choose to believe that Jesus is my Lord and Savior, Jesus has my soul already, and He is preparing a place for me in heaven-- this is my assurance, for I know I am saved by grace through faith. (See Ephesians 2:8-9)
I pray that you will encounter God in these heartbreaking days of the pandemic-- all the heaviness inside, the immense pain and suffering, and allow Him to heal you wherever you're hurting, and exchange your pain for His unexplainable peace.
‘Til the next post, hivers! Remember that you are loved beyond borders and beyond time & space. Okay? Okay. 💛❤️
Ciao for now.
PS, I will be posting this on our Facebook Page-- Seek God First.