Just in: Somali pirates have seized a Greenpeace ship in the Indian Ocean earlier today. The ship was carrying 35 environmental activists protesting the effects of piracy on endangered species. There seemed to be something about them that particularly set the pirates off. The pirates have demanded $10, million for the safe return of the activists.
The incident was witnessed by independent journalist, Mike Hunt who saw the protesters being loaded aboard two rowboats allegedly belonging to the Somali Navy. The protesters, armed only with bullhorns protested loudly shouting: "Our president will get you!" When this failed, several racial invectives were hurled at the pirates, but to no avail. As a last ditch effort, one of the activists shouted: "You can't do this to me, I'm gay and this is really offensive!" To which, according to Hunt, one of the pirates responded in broken English saying, "I bake you cake."
When reached for comment, President Trump responded by Tweeting... "Just tell them (the pirates) that 'Love Trumps Hate'." Stay tuned for more on this ongoing story.