Exhilarating, exhausting, beautiful and gross.....

What's it like to be a new mom? One word can't answer this, it's such a complex question!

I have a 5 month old baby boy and my family members ask me stuff like the above question.

It's not that simple though....

Women are expected to become mothers at some point in their lives. This is considered one of the most primal human activities, with good reason - how else is the human race to continue? How else do we keep producing more people to keep the world going, as we know it? (Yes I know we could make designer babies in labs, I'm referring to organically grown humans, from a man and a woman having sex, woman being pregnant and then having their baby - for the purposes of my writing here, thanks)

I never felt obligated or forced into having a baby. I actually never wanted kids, and I made peace with the fact that I would never be ready financially or emotionally for a child. But around 2 years ago, something in me flipped (that pesky biological clock I guess) - I started yearning to produce a child of my own. I felt like I just didn't want to wake up 40 years old and regret never having a child. This was unexpected, but still welcome. My family was surprised that I had a change of heart, and have been pretty supportive.

My family and friends have asked me what it's like to be a mom now, do I feel any different? Well, obviously it's different - I have a tiny little human to care for and teach. My responsibilities have grown from trying to keep myself alive to doing that plus keeping my baby alive and well. Duh. They say how does it feel? Well, first word that comes to mind is, um, tired. (LOL) But seriously, being asked this by other moms is like, seriously, you chose to ask that, out of all the sentences that could have possibly come out of your mouth? What kind of conversation is that going to produce? Ugh. People. It's not the kind of question you ask when you're having a "just passing by" kind of conversation. It's the kind of conversation you have where you're meeting for a coffee late in the evening and you chat it up until closing time.

I'm sure you've seen or heard of thousands of moms these days blogging their experiences online (because who doesn't want to stay home with their little one to raise them rather than letting someone else stay with their kid all day while you work some hourly shit job just to give half your paycheck away to the babysitter?) & I'm sure you may wonder what could possibly be said or written that hasn't been already, right? Well I'm not really trying to mommy blog here, just going to kind of ramble I suppose. Read if you want, this is really just an excellent outlet considering I don't have many friends since everyone I meet is either an idiot or psycho or super shallow, etc. You get my point.

So hard to make friends that older you get, especially with a baby. Oh, I should just focus on making friends with fellow moms right? Ugh please. I'd rather make friends with women who don't have kids honestly because I don't feel like dealing with the whole thing of, oh let's just let our little ones play even though mine is 6 months old and yours 2 years old - are you kidding me? That's way too far apart in age for me to be comfortable with, ugh! I'm not sure if you know, but older kids like to be weirdly abusive to babies, I don't know why. It's annoying as hell to have a mommy friend like that, or even worse one who doesn't discipline their child appropriately and you have to worry about their little monster hurting your little angel. You can't shelter your child from the world, what kind of upbringing is that you ask? You're absolutely right, I'm not going to have my baby living in a bubble. But what I'm saying is it makes more sense to have a 6 month old play with another 6 month old - that levels the playing field at least.

Anyways, what's it like being a mom? Well, it's different for every single woman. First, it depends on whether or not the woman wanted to have a child in the first place. If she didn't she's obviously not going to be super thrilled about poppin' one out, am I right? She may even end up blaming that unwanted child for so much - ruining her body, causing her to lose her personal freedom, sleepless nights, loss of other opportunities, etc. Or she may reject and / or abandon the child. Who knows, this is a messed up world. I'm one of those rare moms who actually wanted to have a baby - my boyfriend and I discussed it beforehand, and were in agreement that we'd like to have a baby. So there's that - the most important puzzle piece in my opinion.

Then it depends on whether the woman embraces her natural maternal instincts. Some women just don't bond well with their baby, for whatever reason, sometimes there's a disconnect that ends up never being bridged for whatever reason. Maybe she ended up being seriously depressed postpartum, there's tons of reasons. Breastfeeding the baby, if she can, seems to help with this. In my case, I've been able to embrace my motherly instincts, as well as breastfeed, so bonding with my baby and getting to know him has been a real pleasure, an experience that is so hard to describe because it's so heart-warming and fulfilling and beautiful. All the lost sleep, dirty diapers, and crying sessions won't be the memories that stick - those are just things that come with the territory of having a baby, and one little smile from my little guy makes me forget about all that stuff. (Until his next crying session of course, LOL, which we get through and then he's smiling again and then all is well!)

Another thing about being a new mommy is whether or not the daddy is in the picture and if he also wanted the baby - in my case, my boyfriend wanted us to have a baby so we're solid there. This is a huge factor - I have no idea how single moms do it - it's gotta be the hardest thing in the world to not have that support. My boyfriend works a lot but when he does spend time with our little guy he's all-in. They have such a great dynamic and it brings happy tears to my eyes sometimes to see how they light up with each other; it's awesome. I hope their father-son relationship blossoms and grows as my son gets older. Both my boyfriend and I grew up in split-parent households so we know how important it is for our baby to have both parents together, in the same household and in a loving relationship. It's just the way life is meant to be, in our opinion, especially because of how each of us grew up, we lived much differently than how our little one will be raised. So we've each learned a lot from that.

Finances obviously play into how you can raise your little one, but I'm not going to delve too much into this. Obviously more money affords a family better quality food, a nicer, safer area to live in, quality of life items (vitamins and supplements, a bed that's great on your back, etc.), better education / educational supplies, more experiences like travel and fun activities, etc. We're not rich, but we understand that more money can always be earned. It's never the "right time" to have a baby, so I know many people try to order the events in their life like: car, college, career, marriage, house, then baby - and though this is ideal, it's not the reality for most. It's not how my life has gone, and looky there, I'm still livin' and even have happy moments! Oh my! Of course you should always strive for more, and we are, but I'm just saying things don't necessarily have to go in any certain order. I know people who have awesome cars, a huge gorgeous house, they're husband and wife with a smart, handsome boy, yet the couple is miserable because they shouldn't have stayed together (she forced him into having that child). So yeah, just sayin'.

What was I getting at? Ah yes, how is it being a new mom? There's so many words for this. At first it was overwhelming, scary - I'm looking after my own baby, this is much different than just babysitting for a friend. I grew this little boy in my belly, and now he's outside of my belly - he's all like "whaaaaat?" Since he's no longer in his comfy little cocoon that was my womb, now he has to lie straight (in his bassinet), breathe on his own, deal with much louder sounds, and isn't all warm and wet like he was in the belly. This adjustment period of the first few days and weeks isn't just in regards to mom, it's quite the experience for baby too. So mommy (me) is dealing with her own physical and mental and emotional stuff while making sure the baby is doing ok adjusting. And the kind of mum I am, apparently - I just want to make sure my little one is as happy as possible before I even think to tend to my own needs. (And trust me, I'm having hella needs at the beginning, thank goodness my family and boyfriend were so helpful and supportive). So yeah, at the beginning it's a little chaotic, scary, desperate feeling at times (getting no more than 2 hours of sleep at a time), and insecure because I'm wondering, am I doing all I need to in order for baby to be well, comfortable and happy? Plus, all this time I'm hungry as hell. Lol

Then this "4th trimester" as some refer to those first 3 months flies by, and it seems like it drags on, but then you blink and it's like, holy crap, this outfit that's size "newborn" doesn't fit you anymore baby! Guess we're breaking out the "3 month" size onesies! *tear* The baby and I have gotten into a "groove" of sorts, have a bit more structured schedule, him and I are sleeping longer stretches, and he's starting to have a little personality. He's learning quickly and every day is something new, despite the same old same old stuff (diapers, feedings, naps) how he is during little activities and playtime is always different and wonderful and super cool to watch. He starts finding his voice and experimenting with different sounds coming out of his mouth LOL - which is fun for me to learn when he's happy or when he's upset. Being a mom at this point is becoming more fun, more beautiful, same level of challenging, but that good kind of challenge, not the kind that feels impossible (unlike a Rubik's cube). He lights up when he sees my face when he's woken up from a nap, he looks up at me and smiles and it's the best feeling in the world. Even better feeling to hold him and he kind of hugs me back, as tightly as I'm holding him. It's indescribable. (And yet, I'll keep trying to describe it for the rest of my life I'm sure!)

It's all in the perspective you have, as a mom.

When you look at motherhood in a way where you think "wow, I'm so fortunate to have a happy, healthy, smart little baby" (we all think our babies are smart!) it's the most amazing experience. It's hard work, it's challenging and rewarding, beautiful and gross (diapers, lol), chaotic and peaceful (can we say nap-time anyone?), heart-warming, exhausting, warm fuzzies, and all around awesome. This is my experience so far, and my babe is only 5 months old. I'm sure I'll come up with more words to describe my mom experience as he grows!