Today my family and I said goodbye to my birth father, Troy Duane Broze. For those who have followed me for a long time or read my posts about my father, you know that he spent the vast majority of my life in prison and struggling with drug addiction. This relationship (or lack of relationship) has influenced everything I do today. The reason I focus on the need for healing is because I understand my father's drug addiction was a result of attempts at self-medicating away his deep trauma related to his relationship with his father, my grandfather.
Like my father, I also found myself addicted to drugs and in prison. I chose to make changes in my life and choose a different path. My father struggled with his addiction from his early teen years till the end of his life. I know that if he had opportunities to work on his trauma, to communicate with his father and work through his pain, he could have found solace and perhaps kicked his addiction. It was not to be.
Despite him spending the majority of my life in prison and away using drugs, Troy Broze did shape me into who I am today. Without my pain from his absence I would not have found myself on the path I am today. Without the pain, the anger, the forgiveness, and the healing, I would not see the need for healing that I currently see in the world. I am thankful to him for giving me life.
Today I listened to a few people share stories of their interaction with Troy. I felt like some of these folks probably knew him better than me or my brother or sister. I saw lots of pictures of him I had never seen before. I saw him and and my mom in their youth, smiling, full of life and hope. I saw his crazy long, curly hair that I apparently inherited. People have been telling me my whole life I look like him and I have never known how to take that. I also learned that he loved animals, reading, learning, and being outdoors. I see more of him in me than I ever have before.
I am thankful I have his looks and his heart. I am thankful my family was able to shed tears today and say goodbye to his physical body. I am thankful he is free from his struggles.
Thank you for the memories you did give me, Troy. I am sorry you had so much pain. As I told you before, I forgave you a long time ago and only wanted you to find your own happiness. I know you have found it now.
I love you Dad.