My mother's eyes closed for the final time and she slipped away to someplace else, or nowhere. She was pain free in the end, the morphine made sure of that, and in that final moment the cancer won the battle.
In April 2004 my mother was admitted to a palliative care unit in a hospital near my house. She had battled valiantly with cancer for several years however it had gotten to the point where the pain was too great, she had lost mobility and wasn't eating. For two and a half weeks we visited her there becoming almost permanent fixtures, even gaining permission to bring her little dog, Lumi into the unit to see her. That put a smile on her face, or would have could she have smiled through the pain and drugs.
The night before she passed away we were all there, the family members that could be. My wife and I, sister and her partner, father and my dad's sister; A small group.
We were all staying there that night as the palliative care nurses had advised my mum was not long for this world. She had stopped eating 3 days earlier and was very weak, conscious still mostly, but she'd drift in and out. It was around dinner time and we were talking about finding some food. Mum got my attention and tried to mouth a word. After some time I worked it out. Pizza.
An hour later we sat around her room eating take-out pizza with her, my sister sitting on her bed, other's on chairs and I could tell my mum was happy. She couldn't eat any of course but I think she was just happy that we were there. You see, she had seen this happen countless times before, better times of course, but times in which the family would gather, smash out some pizza and just be together. She couldn't really smile that night, but we could tell she felt...Content, I guess the word is.
We told stories, laughed despite not wanting to, and just sat silently during the times when she drifted out. It was surreal evening. Later we found somewhere to sleep, couches in the family room of the palliative care unit, my dad on a trundle bed in my mum's room, wherever we could really.
The next morning the nurses suggested we shoot home, have something to eat, shower and the like then come back mid-morning. Reluctantly we did saying goodbye to my mum prior to leaving of course.
At home we hurriedly showered, and ate some breakfast. I remember vividly that I was sitting at my dining table, a large 10 person table my grandfather had made for my grandmother in 1919 as a wedding present. I was compiling a list of people I'd need to contact when the phone rang at about 8am and a nurse told me that my mum was close. We dropped everything, jumped in our cars and sped off for the 4 minute drive to the hospital.
It all seems quite blurry, sort of washed out in my memory, but I recall each moment with clarity. I recall racing headlong through the corridors towards the palliative care section...I burst through some double doors only to be met by a nurse, a client of my wife's actually, who simply stood there looking at me. I knew before she spoke what she would say.
My mum passed away a minute before I burst into that hallway. Alone. I don't know what it was like, only one passing-over could ever understand I suppose, but she was alone and I felt guilty for that. Incredibly guilty. I should have been there. Someone should have been there.
I'll leave it there I think as I don't really know what to say nor do I feel inclined to revisit the guilt I felt, and still feel, for not being there...
What I do want to say though is that time is not an endless thing. It does not come back around, nor does it wait for anyone or anything. Time passes whether you want it to or not and the only comfort that we can find in its passing is generated by what we do whilst we have it; Time.
I feel fortunate to have learned many lessons in my life, to have had the good and bad times impart knowledge, wisdom and a kind of understanding, as each came to leave their indelible mark upon me. One of those lessons relates to my life-ethos which you can read below. Time is a commodity that each of us must spend in his or her own way. How much time we have is out of our control but what we do with the time we have is within it.
Thanks for reading.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default
Hit me up on Discord: 