I have 13 children. That's not a typo - thirteen. 5 adopted, 4 biological and 4 “step” – although don’t tell them that. Plus 4 that aged out of foster care with me or spent enough time with me that we count them. 17 total. It’s a Yours-Mine-They’re All Just Ours situation. Our kids range in age from 7 years old to 25 and we are down to 5 at home. It. Is. Awesome. And challenging. We live in a 1700 square foot home with 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. We began our intense minimalism journey in February 2015 when, as parents, we couldn’t take the clutter anymore. One of the biggest foes of minimalism, especially for impressionable younger people, is the influence of commercialism.
Consumerism. Regardless of your income or your priorities, it's an issue parents have to face. No matter how often you succumb to "the gimmies", there will always be more. Commercials on TV, ads on the internet, friends who own more "stuff", the ability for social media to track what you look for and like - it's never ending. Want to be thinner? Faster? Stronger? Better looking? Have more energy? Look better? There's a product for everything and a toy that your child will "love for years to come". Less consumerism was about teaching my kids values, not about whether or not I could afford things financially. It's more about affording it emotionally. Stuff isn't bad - toys, clothing, art. Each of us have differing values and desires so there's no one right way to minimize and we keep the stuff that we need or brings us joy. There are things I wanted my kids to learn:
• There is no instant gratification
• Stuff won't make you happy
• You can't get everything you want
• Learn a work ethic
• Prioritize what's of value and earn it
My kids are older now and to see how badly they've been scarred, I went to the source. I asked 6 out of 13 what it was like to grow up with hand me downs, thrift store shopping, having me bake their birthday cakes at home, make all their Halloween costumes and Christmas pajamas and being told no (regularly) to buying things they "had to have". Here's what they said.
Olivia - 21 years old: "It was just how I was raised. If you don't know any different you don't realize there is anything different. Homemade birthday cakes are always better than store bought anything. Mom made things so there was good stuff in it and we were allowed to lick the bowl which always made it better, plus we got to pick the cake we wanted from pictures. We still had a lot, I never felt like I didn't have enough. The only thing I remember wanting to do and being told no was wearing a belly shirt. I was really mad. It was a green, waffle material. That kind of sucked. The want vs need thing - I make a list of what I need first and then things I want. So I learned to know the difference between wants and necessities. That's great for planning ahead and not splurging on things I don't actually need."
Alana - 19 years old: "(she sighs) I never did get that pillow pet I wanted" She then proceeded to sing the commercial - be thankful I didn't take a video. "It taught me that having a few sentimental things is more important than having a lot of things. It's more meaningful. It was frustrating not getting things when I was younger because other kids had stuff that I didn't and it seemed like it was cool. I felt like I never got any of the cool toys. Now I'm really glad. I'm not an entitled, stuck up snob and I learned to be more creative."
Taylor - 18 years old: "It was nice because I didn't have that privileged mindset that I'll have everything I want. I learned how to work for things and earn them. Homemade Halloween costumes, Christmas pj's and birthday cakes. It meant a lot that my Mom took the time to do that stuff."
Gabi - 17 years old: "It sucks being told no sometimes when you want something, but it taught me I don't have to get everything I want. I like the homemade Halloween costumes and birthday cakes from scratch because it means more and there are memories. Hand me downs are pretty cute clothes. Thrift stores means stuff that's expensive is cheap and we can get it, so it's pretty cool. I don't mind getting rid of things because I don't use things so my Mom minimizing doesn't bother me. Our house isn't crowded like it was before we minimized and that feels better. "
Kezia - 15 years old: "I don't like being told no. Mainly because I"m one of those people that want everything. It taught me that I didn't need things just because I wanted them. I didn't mind hand me downs or going to the thrift store because the clothes were cute. The one thing I don't like is that they aren't always "in" and fashionable but I learned to make them fashionable. I like the homemade costumes so we could make them and no one else had them. I liked the homemade cakes because they were made with love. One of the biggest things is that we learned to help each other because we did things together. It brought us closer together."
We do a combination of "Here's the amount of room you have, so make it work. If it doesn't fit, you don't need it" and "I know you want to keep special things so let's figure out a system that works". I want my kids to understand minimalism and value, of getting the most bang for your buck and deciding what's worth paying for and what's not. Adventures are more memorable than belongings and you can get this OR that. Minimalism is NOT deprivation but it IS being thoughtful about what you own. Minimalism wasn't about not having enough money, it was about spending money wisely and that's a lesson I'm glad I passed on.