When I was first getting ready for College, all I could remember was that I felt the need to get "away." After 12 years of home life and public school, constantly living in close proximity with my parents and going through the same day-to-day routines, I couldn't wait for some kind of change in my life. However once that change came, I forgot something important: in order to make room in life for new things, the old stuff doesn't need to be replaced.
Some of the mindset that lead me to distance myself from my family was the fact that, after being dependent on my parents for my whole life up until that point, I was finally "on my own." I knew I was still financially dependent, but being 200 miles away made me feel like I was a real adult and not just a kid anymore. With this, and constantly having to deal with the busy schedule of a college student, I began to place much more value on time. I saw it as "my time" that others were wasting if they consumed it for something that wasn't productive or directly beneficial to my everyday life. If I had homework to do or friends that wanted to hang out, spending a half-hour on the phone seemed pointless. I felt it sufficient to answer my parents when they called me, but rarely made that effort unprovoked. I also barely spoke to my older sister during these first two years.
In all of the stress and business of my daily life, I started to draw inward and view things from a really selfish perspective. I still acted as a kind and giving person, but sort of kept score whenever I did such things, and saw as a waste if I felt underappreciated for my actions. Having this mindset gave me a justification for harboring old resentment toward my family without even realizing the way I was feeling. I felt that my sister treated me poorly from a young age when we were growing up together, and when she started being nicer in older age, I didn't want to accept it. I saw her realizing the importance of our relationship and trying to rebuild our friendship, but I still felt some petty need to get back at my adult sister for her actions as a child. I similarly held onto old anger toward my parents from feeling unfairly treated while growing up as the younger sibling. It seemed I could view my immediate family, the people who will always be closer to me than anyone else, with anything but understanding.
All of these emotions hit me in a sudden, yet simple realization. Instead of seeing my loving family for the individuals they were, I saw only how I felt they had wronged or bothered me. I placed my loved ones on a pedestal as heroes, and held them to a standard that humans can only fall short of, rather than seeing them simply as people. It might sound obvious, but for the first time I really understood the fact that my parents and older sister were regular people, same as me. At first, I couldn't accept that the people who gave me life and taught me everything that made me who I am also had the same moments of uncertainty and imperfection.
To those of you reading this, I want you to realize how important your loved ones are. Love them for all that they have done right, and accept them for all that they have done wrong. Value your time with family above all else, and leave no reason to look back when they're gone. Finally, always remember that when you step into someone else's shoes, you might be surprised at just how familiar they feel.
This is my first post, so please give me some feedback and let me know what you think. I really hope my words can help someone in need.
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