My 15 year old daughter was being dropped off as a guest at a friend’s pool/athletic club. I walked her to the front desk where she signed in, and she was asked to fill out a card with her contact information. At the bottom of the form there were two boxes, labeled "child" and "adult,"and she was expected to check off one of them. She looked at me and asked "What am I?"
That’s a great question from the mind of a 15-year old! They surely don’t feel like children, but few grown-ups would call them "adult." They truly are neither. Mary Pipher in her classic "Reviving Ophelia" states this well. She says "Adolescents are travelers, far from home with no native land, neither children, nor adults…They don’t really fit in anywhere. There's a yearning for place, a search for solid ground."
We adults can gain so very much by trying to put ourselves in the shoes of our teenager. When you look at your teen’s world from inside of his/her shoes, what do you see? Do you see parents who understand her fears, vulnerabilities and sensitivities? Do you see close friends with whom he can share his feelings? Do you feel support and unconditional love? Is it expressed often? How about pressure…. Is home a safe haven away from pressure, or is it yet another source of stress from your teenager’s point of view? Ask yourself these questions and be honest in your answers. Then ask your teen and compare the answers.
Do this periodically; check-ins like this will help keep you right on track and let your teen know that home is where s/he’ll find the solid ground s/he can count on.