My angel looks like Miley Cyrus when she sticks her tongue out like that... I love how precious her little face is.
(Here's the whole picture.)
Today I'm writing an appreciation post about my sweetheart. She's nine days away from her second birthday, but my girl has the strength of a woman sometimes.
I was in the hospital from September 14 until September 21. I spent a day recovering and didn't see Ruby until the 22nd. I did not see her one time while I was in the hospital.
The day I left for the emergency room, I didn't tell Ruby any kind of special goodbye; I was under the impression that I would be home in a few hours.
When we learned that I was being admitted, the timing was convenient because my mom had literally moved here from Texas that same exact day.
Ruby came to my mom's house, a place she had never seen before; she had not one toy, no books, and no movies from home. She didn't see mommy or daddy one time for eight days. (John was at the hospital with me.)
She had diapers, a stack of clothes, and a grandmother she hadn’t hardly seen in two months - that was all.
I wasn't there to comfort her when she cried. I wasn't there to kiss her baby dolls or read old nursery rhymes until I contemplated suicide. I wasn't hiding on the other side of the door when she would knock and call my name. I was nowhere to be found.
When I was in the hospital, I kept thinking about something I read in a parenting book.
John and I struggle with Ruby’s separation anxiety sometimes - partly due to inexperience with raising a baby and partly because I don't always know if her anxieties are related to her being a preemie or if I can treat her as I would treat a child who was full term. (She seems 100% normal for her age, but since she was two months premature I find myself paranoid at times wondering if she's so attached to me because she was a preemie or if she just really, really loves me.)
We have gone back and forth on our approach as far as going somewhere without Ruby.
First, we tried simply telling her that one of us had to leave the room but that we would be back as soon as we could. This caused our baby to become upset before either of us left the room and it wasn't really working.
Our next approach was no good either; we took to sneaking out of the room while she was distracted. It broke my heart to do this to my baby… to picture her turning around expecting to see me standing there and then realizing that I've left her.
To top it off, I read in the parenting book that sneaking away is one of the WORST things you can do to your baby. Sneaking away leads to fear of abandonment, distrust, and overall anxiety that one should never want to cause their child to experience. It's actually better to tell your child in advance that you are leaving the room, even if he or she grows upset before you leave. (I know everyone parents their children how they see fit - I'm just sharing what I read.)
Needless to say, my week in the hospital left me feeling pretty shitty where my daughter was concerned. Not only was she without both parents for eight days, but we also didn't hardly tell her goodbye. This baby had not been away from me one time in over seven months. I feared how my baby must have felt, how she was acting towards her grandmother, and how she would respond when she finally saw me again. Would she care that I was standing in front of her? Would she give me an attitude? Would she hug me? Would she even acknowledge me?
My angel could not have made me more proud.
She was so happy to see her father and me. She was so sweet, gentle, and loving, making sure to give us plenty of kisses while pointing at us and saying “momma” and “da-da".
She was on her best behavior for the rest of the night, cuddled me plenty, and went to bed at a decent hour, which we were struggling with before I went to the hospital. My daughter is sleeping next to me now and I am overflowing and overjoyed with love and admiration for this tiny, breathtaking human.
If anything, I learned that my baby is strong when I need her to be strong. She deserves more credit than I realized I could give her. I love her so much.
