I was brought up in a large family, of course unbeknownst to me I still had one extra sibling out in the world somewhere. I was taught that I would go to school, grow up, graduate, get a job, find a wife, get married and have some children. Pretty much in that order. Of course then my dad one day says to me "You've got to break away from the pack, strike out on your own and do something nobody else has to really make it in this world." Those fateful words ruined my perceptions on life and subsequently I made a lot of really bad decisions. It wasn't so much the words, but the timing. He said it when I was really too young to comprehend the deeper meanings of it. He wasn't wrong, just his timing was off by ten years.
I went my own way and did things that weren't parent approved. I did some things in reverse and others I neglected. I neglected my schooling over dating. I worked before I graduated, that's not a bad thing if you can juggle homework, chores and paid work. I rarely ever volunteered to work for free because we live in a capitalist society and frankly I needed cash for my projects and interests, however that mind set also worked against me. I could've gotten a lot of unpaid, but free experience..yeah it was dumb, but I never claimed to be the smartest person.
I had gotten married and had kids before I was really able to afford a house or rent, again not smart but hey you can learn from my bad examples and not do things the way I did them. I knew I wanted kids, I just didn't want to be responsible for other people's kids. In that lies madness! These days you pretty much need a degree in child psychology, CPR and a few other qualifications in order to sit for other parents, and even then you could still fall prey to them complaining you did things wrong. No thank you! No, if I was going to deal with children, they would be my own.
I set ground rules for myself. I stopped using foul language, as much as any one can in this day and age -now it's revolutionary to not use foul language. I gave up my motorcycle, life expectancies rise when you move up from two wheels to four. Plus, I had a few incidents where drivers were actually targeting me to run me off the road, run over me, or make me crash. So there was a hard decision, but ultimately the right one. I gave up drinking, I didn't want my children growing up with alcohol in the house thinking it was normal to regularly poison one's liver, make worse decisions, and be a drunk. It's so tacky and cliche. I did all this and more for my kids before they ever knew I did them.
They grew up quickly! Sure, there were periods when I mistakenly wished they were already grown, but now as I look back on it I see how that was the best of times. I was lonely, which is why I had kids. They kept me company until they reached that age where they didn't need me as much and instead started needing other people in their lives. It does take a village to raise a child. The more interesting and intelligent people the smarter and wiser the child. I exposed my children to a wide variety of influences for them to learn from. All vetted good and decent people. My kids make me want to try harder and be better each and every day.
One is currently serving the country. One is out of the house. The second eldest and the youngest still live here with me, for now. They keep me going while I get used to the other two being away. I was used to four. One changes your life. Two are easier to cope with since they keep each other company and play together. Three are a handful and it teaches one to be a better referee. Four and you've got and interesting situation where the kids will team up on one another, choose side, argue, it makes life full and fascinating as one tries to run the gambit of parenting and referee. They have taught me more about the human condition than any college course ever could. I learned just as much from them as they learned from me. It was give and take.
I never lied to my children. I wouldn't raise them the way I was raised. I was raised in a magical world where fictional characters existed in real life and one by one I lost each to harsh reality setting in. Why bother lying anyway when facts and truths are much more interesting and in the long run helpful. I wasn't raising blind followers, but future leaders that needed reality in order to survive the harshness of the reality we really live in. I was raising the people that may one day save a life, maybe yours truly. When they asked me a question about something I would tell them the facts, unless it was something their minds were not yet ready to deal with. In which case, I would tell them as much as was acceptable to a small child and finish it off with "That's the basic concept of what you've asked, but you need a few more years of growth before I tell you the rest of the facts." They would wait and ask regularly if they were old enough yet. I'd say "Not yet" or "Sure! Absolutely! Now is the right time for you to hear the rest of the story." I gave them the information they needed without ever lying to them. I told as much as I could and then let them await the payoff. That stood them in great shape when going through school.
They knew there was no such thing as Santa, The Easter Bunny, but they had the hard truths and facts surrounding these icons and why people believe in them. I gave them the choice of following tradition and blindly believing in those. "Dad, is Santa real?" "Do you want the truth and facts about him, or do you want the story and the myths?" They always chose truth and facts, but then they wanted the story and myths, so I gave them both.
I treated them as equals. I gave them the same choices I had to deal with along with the supposed consequences of those choices. I knew how it was to be talked down to as a child, told to shut up and listen. There are still things I'm learning that my parents never told me. They thought they were protecting me from the world. It backfired! Instead of protecting me, it left me open to unscrupulous people with nefarious ideas and ways. "Children should be seen and not heard" that was one of my mother's favorite go to lines for inquiring minds. I remember wanting to know things and asking about them, but then I would get responses like that. Eventually I learned not to ask questions, but to blindly follow someone else's lead. It wasn't until I was old enough to drive that I started figuring things out from other people. No, I would not raise my children like that.
Now, I can ask my kids what they would suggest I do in any given situation and see what their opinion is on it. Most times I'm not in the least disappointed by their responses. I taught them everything I could, schools taught them other things, and friends and family taught them the rest. Now life teaches them what nobody could. We trust each other implicitly, rely upon one another. One day they will take over and I'll gladly hand over the reigns. I won't be around forever, indeed none of us will, which is why I teach them to be independent. Teach them to be leaders and to trust their judgment. Empower the young that they may build that ever so necessary self confidence.
I think though that one of the best ways I raised them was as my equal. Not stupid, but inquisitive. Not mean, but understanding. Well balanced people with a nicely rounded education. I'm not a rich man, but I gave them the best treasure anyone could.
Thank you for reading along.
Much love, light and respect to you and yours,
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