Tears streamed down my cheeks. I just did not know it anymore. That is something I was not familiar with. I had been fighting for myself all my life. I always have trusted my own intuition. And no matter how dark it was, I always managed to find a light to give me hope. And now that light wasn’t there!
I thought about the two days that were behind me. My daughter in tears for what happened and what she had seen. Children aged 6 or older are socially emotional in the process of becoming afraid of the real things in the world. And the monsters under the bed disappear slowly.
A period back her father had a fall back, drinking and psychologically unstable. So my daughter was not allowed be with him anymore. However, he was allowed to see her under my supervision.
My dear little girl had a hard time with it. She was just crazy about her father and also felt that he is sick. So I had agreed with her father that he would come to me soberly to walk with his daughter to the playground that is behind my house.
My daughter was looking forward to it for a week. My ex had also indicated that he liked this and gave him reason to fight for it. And that's the only thing I wanted for my daughter.
My daughter and I were enjoying the wonderful weather with a friend of our behind the house. My was very excited when she returned from school. This afternoon it was so far!
The gate opened and as soon as I saw the face of my ex, I knew it was trouble. He was shaking on his legs. Totally under the influence. He sat down and I knew immediately that I would not let my daughter go with him. But how did I deal with that. I looked at my daughter and knew that this would break her heart. I had to get her out of here. I offered my ex coffee and went in quickly to catch it and called a friend that I would bring my daughter to her.
The friend who visited us felt and saw that is was not good and stayed there. I told my daughter that we had to leave and she had to come with me. Fortunately she did that without questions. On the way I asked her if she noticed anything about her father. She said that he was weird. I told her that Dad was still sick and was not doing so well and that I had to talk to him. I also told her that her father could not go to the playground with her. She found this very unfortunate, but at that moment I did not get that much response. I dropped off my daughter, I quickly went back to my own house.
When I confronted my ex with the fact that he was stupid drunk and was staggered on his legs, he reacted stupidly surprised. He said it was the medication. I made it clear to him that he could not see his daughter. And that I wish he would go again.
In the status he was, I just could not allow him to get back in the car. I had my daughter happy safely, but you also have other people on the road.
My ex was given the choice if he or I would call his father to pick him up. If he did not allowed that, I would call the police to have him removed from my premises
I felt very sorry to have to say this to the man I'd loved for years, and my daughter's father. But I was also furious. How could he hurt his daughter?
His father came to pick him up. And I went to pick up my daughter again to take home and try to make a nice afternoon with her.
In the evening my daughter collapsed. You have to do what you promised! And she was so sad that her father had not kept the appointment. Well her father did that more often but now it was different for her. She asked me if she could call her father. I took the phone and put it on speaker before my daughter got the phone. When I saw the tears in her eyes beside me, I grabbed her hand. And while telling her sadness and disappointment expressed to her father I felt so much pain and sadness for her. I thought it was time for action.
Later her father would say that I had coached her to hurt him. And he did not seem to see how hurt his daughter was.
After I put my daughter in bed I went into conversation with my current husband about what we should do now. I would start calling again the next day. There had to be a body that could help us?
As soon as my daughter went to school the next day, I started calling the different agencies. I was sent from one authority to another, and when I called out in despair at the fourth phone call if you do not do anything, we became a story in the newspaper. If he hurts my daughter so badly or comes to me like this, I'll rip him to the knife. And do not count on my friends saying that they have not seen it coming but will say immediately that no one wanted to help me.
Instead of hearing my despair it was said. The response was: Madam I will have to note this and I would advise you not to do this.
I became so angry, sad and desperate. What should I do to protect my daughter? Nice and also good that her father has rights. But as far as I am concerned my daughter especially has the right to a quiet and stable childhood that I want to offer her.
And of course in the emotion I could kill my ex. Have even spoken to my current husband about it. And she said, but who is going to be for her? This, of course, was entirely true.
Taking her abroad was also not an option. I did have a house in France, but regardless of the fact that my ex managed to find that house it would just be abduction. And besides, I had my husband and I was pregnant.
In other words, I did not see a solution, apart from harming my daughter, because she could not see her father at all a wile. And at that moment I really did not see any light anymore.
If you know that as a mother you want to protect your child, but have to hurt your child for her protection , a stab of pain will go through your heart.
And the fear that came for not keeping appointments with my daughter was so bad to see. Certainly because I had taught her a lot that you keep your appointments. And while a child unconditionally loves his or her parents, the trust of my daughter in her father was hurt. With my daughter, this resulted in fear and distrust.
And of course, as parents, you sometimes hurt your child. But that trust that should stay intact!
When my tears were gone and I decided that I was alone with my family, I went to bed. To go against it again. Whatever would happen I would have to stand up, be there for my daughter, protect her and give her all the love she deserves. With that thought I fell asleep.
The photo's I used to make this one are from pexels.com