Parents clearly the wrong people to be raising families. Let my government do it for you!
Nobody can prepare themselves for the hell that is parenting, and if you've actually squeezed out one of those fucking alien looking squarkers, you will surely appreciate how much the constant aching in your forever-ruined pelvic floor, combined with the sleepless nights, endless feeds and crying and the conveyor belt of shitty nappies and shit-useless grandparents (who would serve the world better if they just fucked off to Switzerland for an injection) can make you feel a little depressed.
Yes, dear subjects, Auntie Theresa is here to help relieve you of your burdensome offspring forever. Thus, my government has decided to roll out a new initiative making it compulsary for your children to be raised by the State.
We will be enacting legislation to take your children into one of our five-star, world class, state care homes the moment you register their birth (and they are assigned a National Insurance number to ensure that we get a good 50 years worth of tax revenue out of them), thus saving you the hassle of actually having to bring them up and make decisions about their education, food, clothing etc.
For many years now, we've been testing an initiative to remove children from their parents, often citing all sorts of spurious reasons for doing so, and noticed that, aside from a bit of a squeek on social media, basically nobody gave a fuck. Or if they did, they didn't know what to do about it, given that we have all the tasers, the judges and the private social work companies earning a bonus everytime they take a kid into care.
It led us to thinking that actually, if you think about it, most parents really want a break from their kids. So we've decided to do everyone a favour and give them new lives in foster homes in remote parts of the country (like Jersey), run by Catholic priests, ex-70's pop stars and Peers of the realm.... all good, wholesome people, and definitely the sort you'll want to be rubbing off on your dear children.
We've found parents are ever so happy when we help them by putting their little ones in the state care system, and when I was Home Secretary they would often send me handwritten letters which I did very much enjoy opening!
This service will of course require a significant investment from the taxpayer, but we are a party that believes in public-private provisioning, so whilst there will of course need to be more taxes paid by everyone, a very large part of the funding will be structured so as to recover costs from the parents who have been reset back to a zero-dependent status. Parents will be able to settle their investment in their children's future with cash, assets or by signing government indentured service contracts. On demand.
Thus, we expect this system to have little or no effect on the public purse, which is excellent news, as we will be able to use these savings to continue to extend our funding into biotechnology companies, which are in turn helping our economy and public health by manufacturing genetically modified food on an industrial scale. Product which will be fed to every single child in the country, who of course will all be residents in our excellent facilities.
So be happy plebs. By taking your children, we're protecting your family, and making you happier. So there's no need for you to take any more time off work running around after sick toddlers, or confused 9 year olds who have suddenly discovered their wee-wee worm can turn as thick as a builders wrist. Just let us deal with all that for you, with ecumenical help, and spiritual guidance.
Vote Conservative in the upcoming local elections, and very soon you will be able to bring your under 13's down to one of the registration and orientation facilities which will be springing up all over in your town or city (in association with trusted partnership service providers SERCO and ATOS). Grand openings of major centres will be conducted by their highnesses the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Charles and the grumpy one with the ginger ex.
Remember, Auntie knows best!
Rt. Hon. Theresa May
Prime Minister of the United Kingdom
