I’m sick and tired, trying to make the world better around me, to try to help everyone around me, to be fair, to be kind, to love unconditionally, all this is sucking the life of me. At the end I get nothing back from it, no satisfaction, but the last piece of the pie, the little sprinkles of the doughnut... These were my thoughts with the pointy end of a knife tinkling my throat, while I was handing over the money I had in my wallet to a very angry junkie, after I walked her to her flat...
The next idea was for me to ask how much is the knife worth, buy it, then mug him back, but for that i’ll fantasize later, before i pass out to a deep dream. Fantasy is always a good thing, it depends of the character and his or hers nature. A lot of twisted personalities fantasized and here we are, living in a twisted world, with twisted values and we moan that nothing works and everything sucks, capitalism is immoral, we walk trough living dead, but the fact that none of these things are not in quotes and can be easily accepted is the saddest part. But I come back, I am happy. It gives me hope, gives me smile, when she smiles at me with her eyes hungry for life and all what it offers.
I gave the bloke my money, rode home angrily and with some juicy swear words only i could hear. It’s sad to find it a good thing that i didn’t drained my credit card that night. That scenario would be painful. I left the keys on the counter, pijamas are always more comfortable, but i still got to bed with my jumper and jeans and stare at the wall left of the bed. I didn’t need any noise, no radio tonight. I got the music segment of that night, it’s Bowie’s ‘This is not America’, paradox rules. I continued fantasizing how i got away from the mugging situation in a heroic stud kind of way. While heroes may come from different parts of the world, America made a patent on it. America... It’s actually a Continent, USA is a Federation, land of the free and home of the brave, the last stop of the pursuit of happiness, i would like to go there with her. I didn’t move an inch whilst travelling miles and miles, with her by my side.
The next morning, Monday morning, was so strange. I thought, to experience epiphany is most adequate with a Monday morning. Concluded from couple of reasons, I might add. Monday as a day of the week, is vastly hated. From that we can conclude that in a given weekend, a person experiences more unbearable and uncomfortable situations, can change the way a person thinks and acts, add to that waking up on a freezing Monday morning, the final result is inevitable. The Monday Balance of life is epically important to the society that we live in.
Unfortunately for me, it was a regular monday morning. I realized that i have become indifferent, too serious, regular and boring. Probably a knife to the throat and being mugged doesn’t do the trick for me. So i won’t change my ways, my idiocy, my sins. I will continue practice my way on a daily basis, it really depends on who i want to be today.
It’s a balance thing, i shit about balance more than Buda and Ghandi. I made a decision to get myself straight as soon as possible. At least to tell her what i think of her, how she makes me feel. That thought made me feel real and pushed me away from my indifferent balance mode in which I was connected for some time.
I need, now more than ever, the fantaseur’s courage, and test it in the real world. I need to live fantasy and fantasize life in the same time. I need to be my own hero in my own style and pace, to make an epicness of my life, to solve the unsolvable mystery, to slay the dragon, to win the princess’s heart, to outwise the wisest man in the Universe...
