I used to be terrible at being complimented. If someone said something nice to me, I treated it with distrust. What's the catch? Is this sarcasm? Where are they going with this?
I see this all around me. If you compliment someone their replies are often negative. They want to be humble, have no ego, and not come across as cocky or full of themselves. Maybe its even imposter syndrome.
My wife calls these “thanks, but …” responses. And it is that “but” that is the cause of so many problems.
“Thanks, but I didn't have time to shower this morning”
“Thanks, but this is just an old dress I had lying around”
“Thanks, but I know I can do better, I was really tired”
This also happens in martial arts. I see this as a trainer every week on the mats with the newer clients.
I will often compliment someone and say something like “wow you had great structure that entire round” and the reply is usually “thanks, but I felt like all I did was jab”, or “thanks, but I was holding my breath sometimes.”
Those clients give the compliment a moment's thought, devalue it, disregard it, and deflect it.
They only focus on what they perceive as the negative. And it is the negative that they will think about on the way home, and the negative that will bother them until the next session. The negative causes frustration and anxiety, and often all they had to do was focus on their strengths.
A far better way to handle a compliment in my opinion is a “thanks, and … ” response.
“Thanks, and I had a lot of fun too”
“Thanks, and I got this dress from a charity shop, I am really pleased with it”
Or even better, return the compliment:
“Thanks, and, it's all down to your awesomeness as a trainer” (something I hear daily :-))
“Thanks, and I love your jacket”
Or even just:
“Thanks, and I really appreciate you saying that”
This can be hard to do where glove or belt gradings are involved. I see people get graded, or get a new colour, and they have a distrust. I know I have struggled with this. You look at the person that awarded you it and have a conflict: “well, I know they know what they are doing, but do they really think I am worthy of this?”
We all too often focus on our flaws. How many times we get tapped, how much better other people are than us. And we ignore the compliments that surround us because they make us feel uncomfortable. Yes, there is always someone better.
But you are where you are supposed to be. You are just competing with your past self.
My struggle with taking compliments returned when I had a daughter. I would use humour to deflect those well intentioned, kind words.
“Your daughter is so cute”
“Yeah, thankfully she takes after her mother”
I get much more nervous when it comes to my role.
“You are such a good father”
This is usually followed by a speed montage in my mind of all the things I feel I do wrong, with flashes to a potential future where my daughter is an unhappy drug addict with no home, friends, or income because of my mistakes.
But, martial arts helps me with this. I know that focusing on strengths and merely recognising the weakness is a happier way to live my life.
Martial Arts are often play based systems that highlight your strengths in a positive environment, where compliments are passed around freely and sincerely.
They will improve your confidence and outlook on life.
Yes, we are lifelong learners, always working to improve, but that doesn't mean we can't accept the compliment for our ability in the present.
Enjoy and embrace the kind words the new you will receive on the mats, so you can do likewise in life.
And remember: “thanks, and …” allows others to compliment you, and returns the favour.
This article was originally published on my Medium account
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