I am a father of two beautiful girls whom I love more than anything. I am also the victim of the family court system. This system has taken my ability to be a father to my children. I want to be these best father I can. I want to teach my girls to be free thinkers, protect them from government school propaganda and unnecessary vaccinations. I want them to know they are loved and cared for. I cannot do any of these things with just 50 days per year the system has allowed me.
The system is corrupt, it under values fathers. Perhaps more importantly, fathers undervalue themselves. You see, everything in life can be viewed in terms of a market. In a market people exchange goods and services at a price that maximizes value to both parties.
In the market for fathers, men are selling themselves short to a system that dramatically undervalues them. The fathers rights movement is begging for more equality. Fathers who love their children will pay almost any price for crumbs of time with their kids. Begging is not an effective means of effecting change. It is a position of powerlessness.
What is even worse, social pressures create an environment were any man who is unwilling to pay any price is scum. He is not a man at all. He clearly doesn’t love his children. He is a dead beat. He must pay the ransom.
What is a Father
A father is more than biology. A father is a role model. To be a good father requires knowing your kids and being there through everyday trials. A father is there to teach. The most important lessons are taught by example and observation rather than by instruction. It is simply not possible to be a father every other weekend let alone once per month.
Many lessons require steady and consistent application of rules and expectations. It means giving tough love, but tough love is a long-game. When you only get your kids every other weekend you don’t have time to play the long game. Any tough lessons you may want to teach need to be resolved by the end of the weekend! You do not want the kids going home mad/sad because you disciplined them. They will stew on it for the next two weeks and ultimately never get the positive resolution.
When a father doesn’t have time for patient instruction, the best he can do is have fun with the kids. The following is a stereotypical story:
Mike gets the kids every other weekend and every Wednesday. The kids love going to Dad’s because there are “no rules.” They get to do pretty much whatever they want. Weekends are filled with video games, trips to the mall, pizza and movie outings. And candy. Lots and lots of candy. Wednesday nights are TV nights. The kids never do their homework on Wednesday nights because, after a long day, Mike wants to kick back; he doesn’t want to have to deal with questions about homework. Vicki resents Mike’s free-for-all parenting and calls him “The Disneyland Daddy.”
When Mike drops off the kids at Vicki’s apartment on Sunday night, they are wound up, bubbling about all the things they did with Dad over the weekend and not wanting the fun to end. Within minutes, excitement turns to disrespect, when Vicki asks them to help with chores and get to their homework. They talk back, act out and tune their mother out. Sunday nights with mom turn into screaming matches and tears. The anxiety always spills over into Monday morning, when she has to get the kids out of bed and get to work on time.
In her own words, Vicki’s life is “a wreck.” Her priority is to get the bills paid and provide for her kids. In doing so, she feels she is losing control of them at light speed. How can Vicki get back in control, when her parenting efforts are undone weekly by Mike?
In this case the mother blames the father. She expects him to use his scarce time with his kids doing mundane every day things. The father is seeking to get maximum value out of his time with his kids. He wants to give them undivided attention doing things that build their relationship. Sending them off to do homework or making them do chores isn’t building the relationship.
The mother effectively wants the father to be a part-time baby sitter. This is disrespectful to both the children and the father. It is like blaming two people who are starving (father and child) for binging every other weekend at the buffet.
Fatherhood Takes Practice
Pick any random man and ask him to baby sit every other weekend. He may be able to keep the kids alive and well, but he will not learn how to be the father the kids need. Being a father is a growing experience filled with trial and error. It requires something customized to each child and their individual personality. It is the constant demonstration of love and patience compounded over time.
The quality of a father’s interactions are directly proportional to the amount of time a father has. The process is not linear, 2 hours of time isn’t twice as good as 1 hour; it is 4 times as good. It is like compound interest. Lessons build upon lessons. Giving a father every other weekend (2 of 14 days) does not yield 15% the benefits of having a father, at most it yields 1%.
The Value of a Father
The science and research shows that fathers are just as valuable and critical as mothers. Absence of a father (or mother) in a child’s life greatly harms the child.
There is no question that fathers do play an important part in their children's lives; that the majority of studies affirm that an involved father can play a crucial role particularly in the cognitive, behavioral and general health and well-being areas of a child's life; that having a positive male role model helps an adolescent boy develop positive gender-role characteristics; that adolescent girls are more likely to form positive opinions of men and are better able to relate to them when fathered by an involved father; that it is generally accepted, under most circumstances, a father's presence and involvement can be as crucial to a child's healthy development as is the mother’s — Psychology Today
Any loving mother and/or objective government should be doing everything in their power to increase the involvement of fathers. They certainly know it is in the children’s best interest to have the father involved.
Child’s right to Father (not Father’s Right to Children)
The real issue here is that we have made the entire debate about the father’s rights rather than the child’s. As a result fathers fight for visitation is often based on what the father needs/wants rather than what the child needs and wants. I know my girls need and want more time with me. Their mother wants to give them as little time with me as possible. This is only magnified when she disagrees with what I want to teach my kids.
Why should we sell ourselves short and beg for visitation when in reality the mothers and government should be begging us to spend equal time with the kids. Why should men tolerate the abuse we must carry?
In other words, men have something that is valuable and in demand (by the kids). Few people would say that it is better for kids to have no interaction with their father than too much interaction with their father. It is difficult to have too much interaction until the tables start to turn and the father is getting more than 50%. At that point in time all the arguments that I have been applying to fatherhood also apply to motherhood.
Micromanaged Fathers
The very term visitation undermines the role and expectation of shared custody. The father is there to visit his children, but only so long as his parenting strategy is approved by their mother and the government she has in her pocket. He isn’t there to be a father. You visit your grandparents and friends of the family. You don’t visit your father.
Is your religion different from their mother’s? Too bad. Is your definition of right and wrong different? Watch out. Is your opinion on medical issues and treatments different, who cares?
Coparenting works when both parties respect each other and agree on the basics. But a father is powerless to balance the programming instilled in his children by their mother and the government when he only has 52 days per year.
Power in Negotiations
As men, we are trying to negotiate for more time with our kids. We want more than time, what we really want is the ability to be a father. Negotiations are made more complicated because the government has inserted itself in the middle. One or both sides are attempting to point a gun (the government) at the other side to get what they want.
True men don’t use violence in the dealings with others. This means that true men must negotiate for voluntary arrangements. When it comes to negotiations there are many well known secrets of a master negotiator.
Here are some of the most basic skills:
- Listen
- Be Willing to Walk Away
- Feign Indifference, Don't be Indifferent
The reason why men keep losing in the child custody battle is because they are negotiating from a point of weakness. They are unwilling to walk away and cannot feign indifference.
You see, society has said that any man who is “willing to walk away” is a bad man. If he is indifferent then he is unfit. If a man doesn’t value himself and his ability to be a father high enough, then he will believe these lies. He will cave. He will feel guilt and shame. He will lose.
When a man loses, his kids also lose. They may get visitation, but the kids don’t get a father. The get a baby sitter with which they share DNA.
Only Room for Super Dads
You have to be a super-dad to have a chance at winning by brute force. Not only that, the mother needs to be dug abusing trailer trash. How does a dad prove his love? How many hoops must he jump through? How much must he sacrifice? Why is the standard different for mothers? How much must he spend on lawyers?
Few dads are super dads, but they are still good dads. Unfortunately, being willing to walk away if you lose gives the mother ammunition that will almost certainly make losing your kids a self fulfilling prophesy.
Hold out for Fatherhood or Walk Away
If you actually want to be a father for your kids, then you need to recognize your own value in the negotiations. You need to decide whether you want to be a baby sitter or a father. You need to determine if you want to instill your values or not.
A well known tenant of economics is that all value is perceived value. We live in a world where governments and mothers often perceive little value in fathers outside of a paycheck. If they do not perceive value then they may conclude that giving in to your demands to be a father is more costly than denying you all visitation.
Effectively, the government and your baby momma are also willing to walk away from the negotiations. When they walk away they choose to deny the kids a father. The father is not to blame, he was holding out for the real deal and not the cheap and ineffectual substitution known as visitation.
Don’t give into Guilt
Chances are that the system will walk away from you. They will extract your money at gunpoint and send you on your way. Many fathers will feel guilt. They will second guess their decision to hold out for more than just limited visitation.
People will try to shame you for being a disengaged father. In fact over 40% of all divorced dads are disengaged. Often the fathers who choose to disengage are those who were previously heavily engaged. The pain they feel from losing the ability to father their child makes visitation difficult. In other words, these good men were discarded by the system. A system that would rather exclude them all together than given them a meaningful opportunity to be a father to their kids.
Many times dads disengage because fighting is not economically possible. They do not wish attack the mother of their children in court. They would rather give up than fight. They see the fighting as being harmful to the children.
There is only one person who should feel any guilt in these situations: the mother. She would rather deny visitation than increase visitation and release her micromanagement of time with the father.
Commitment to Nonviolence
A father who is committed to non violence would never take the mother of his children to court unless the children were in extreme danger. He wouldn’t take the kids from her at gun point.
A good woman and mother would never withhold her kids from their father. She would realize that they need quality time with their dad and they would voluntarily sacrifice their own time with the kids to ensure that happened.
Balanced Negotiation in Free Society
The problems we face today is that the negotiations are not balanced. The father has almost no leverage, the mother has everything. Normally the father has something the mother wants/needs: money. Todays system ensures she gets this no matter what. In fact, it ensures she gets far more than the minimal necessary.
In a free society, violence would not be an option. Child support would not be paid involuntarily. Men would actually have leverage to get more time with their kids. Women who had little money would have to give up custody at least 50% of the time out of financial necessity.
Women on the other hand would have something men need: childcare. A father who goes to work every day needs to hire someone to watch the kids while he is at work. Why not hire the mother if she can find no other work?
When both parties are denied the ability to get what they want at gunpoint (government order), both parties are willing to negotiate and the resulting compromise is usually in the best interest of the children.
Nonviolent Non-Cooperation
The system today is enabled by men who are unwilling to fight. Short of taking up arms, the only option men have left is non-violent non-cooperation. We should not cooperate with the system that is hurting our kids. It may be difficult. It may hurt. It may seem like something is better than nothing, but nothing could be further from the truth.
I believe that we would see more change in fathers rights if men boycotted anything less than 50% custody or voluntary settlements. If the courts would restrict themselves to deciding one of three outcomes: 100% father, 100% mother, or 50/50 custody. There should be no child support, no visitation, and no government enforced compromise. This outcome would force mothers to negotiate for child support and force fathers to negotiate for time. This would prevent violence and ensure more kids get a father.
Divide the Baby
Perhaps we could learn something from the wisdom of King Solomon:
He then gave an order: "Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.” — 1 Kings 3:25.
Parents who truly love their child would rather see them raised by someone else than dead. The vast majority of parents truly love their children. They can and will reach non-violent compromises that are in the best interest of the kids. No one else loves the child as much as a parent.
If society was forced to face reality that visitation is not an acceptable substitution for fatherhood, then perhaps something will change. The mere presence of visitation lets most people feel better. They believe it will work and that it is a “compromise”.
Limited visitation is “cutting the baby in half”… lets not kill our children to resolve disputes between parents.
Children are Strong and There are other Fathers
Just because you do not get to be a father, doesn’t mean your children will not have a father figure in their life. Their mother may remarry. There may be teachers, pastors, neighbors, grandfathers, etc in their life. All of these men actually have time and access to know your kids better than you do. The mother of your children may opt to have someone else fill the role.
Your kids will grow up. They will learn from their struggle. They will hopefully find enlightenment. It is pain and suffering that lead us to enlightenment. The absence of a father in their life is just their burden and they are strong enough to carry it.
We all want to spare our children hardship. This is only natural. The truth is that we shouldn’t fear hardship for our kids. Hardship makes them stronger. It builds their character.
Visitation is just as hard on the kids as it is on the father. Kids don’t enjoy constantly being reminded that they don’t get to see their dad. They don’t enjoy hours of travel time and they don’t enjoy the fights between their parents. We are quick to ignore these costs and burdens on our children. As the grow older they will resent being away from their friends and having to go “see dad”. They want a life. They want consistency. They don’t want forced visitation with someone whom they hardly know.
Let them know you love them
Kids may not understand when they are young, but as they get older they will understand that the choice wasn’t yours. They will understand that you fought to be a father for them and lost. They will know that you loved them. Even if they don’t, it doesn’t matter. You know.
I love my kids. I want to be a father. I want to see them and care for them. It is because I love them that I will not allow myself to be abused by their mother. I will not settle for anything short of being a real father. I will not fight her in court. I will trust her to be a loving mother and let her decide whether my girls need me as father.
I will not let her decide what kind of father I will be, or what I am allowed to teach them. I get to decide the minimum time I need to be a father. If she wants her kids to have me as a father, then it will be as a real father, not as a baby sitter once per month.