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Introduction, Part I: How I Met My Fear of Rejection

Earlier this year, I met Chris.

I felt intrigued by Chris — and also attracted to him — since we first spoke to each other.

In the evening of the day we met, I was watching fire jugglers and acrobats playing in a small bar in Thailand. Chris was sitting next to me. He was holding a small wooden puzzle, and he seemed very focused on trying to solve it.

Despite my usual shyness when I feel attracted to someone, I went ahead and talked to him. I asked him something about the puzzle, and after we had exchanged some words I waited for him to keep on talking and to be the one to lead the conversation further.

But he didn’t. He would answer my questions, but nothing more. So eventually we went back to silence, me watching the jugglers, him playing with his puzzle.

There and then I felt this very familiar feeling, this discomfort in my stomach going all the way up to my cheeks, so familiar that it could almost go unnoticed if I wouldn’t pay close attention.

And then I realized what this was: I was terrified of being rejected, and I had forever been hiding this fact from myself. When I didn’t get the reaction I wanted from Chris — I wanted him to turn his whole attention to me, to ask me questions, to show interest — I immediately backed off, because it felt vulnerable. “If I go any further”, I thought, subconsciously, “I will be rejected. And it will hurt”.

So what made me feel this way? Even if he would turn his back on me and ignore me, why should I be afraid? He was just a random guy I had never met before. It should be easy to overcome. Where does this fear come from?

I will briefly pause the story because I believe it is important to take a moment to reflect on these questions.

A Little Detour, or Why We Are Afraid of Connection

Around a year ago I read a book called The Presence Process. This was when I first started exploring the source of all my challenging emotions. A deep internal research process confirmed what this book had already told me: the emotions we feel, pleasant or unpleasant, are not new. They follow a pattern, often established in childhood, which later on plays out many times well into our adult years.

We have all been rejected before. I know I have. Or at least, I have felt rejection — even when the person rejecting me did not mean to hurt me. Example: we as children needed a lot of attention and love, and there were moments when our parents were tired, or dealing with their own problems, and failed to listen to us or pay attention to something we did. Some of these moments had a huge impact on our highly susceptible child selves, and as a result today we still close ourselves to others as an unconscious defense mechanism. The more this pattern repeats in our adult interactions, the more we become afraid of opening up to others.

But hey, this is not the end of the story.

Introduction, Part II: How My Fear of Rejection and I Became Best Friends

Back to that day, in Thailand, with Chris.

As soon as I realized that this wave of discomfort was caused by my fear of being rejected, I felt a sudden burst of compassion for myself, and at the same time I just wanted to laugh at the situation. I knew it so well — that annoying tingling sensation filling my stomach and my face — and I had known it since I can remember myself. And in that moment, as I saw it by what it was, I decided not to kneel before it in shame anymore. It was time to change my relationship with fear.

The next day I found Chris sitting and reading. As soon as I saw him, this uncomfortable feeling was there again, but now I had a name for it; now I knew it.

This time, I told myself not to run away from it; I decided to feel it, embrace it, and then let it go.

So I went over to Chris and said hi. And we started talking again. It was amazing how everything felt so different this time: I was so much more comfortable, and focused on actually getting to know him and enjoying that moment. The conversation came out naturally, and this became one of the most beautiful connections I have ever established with another human being.

Nowadays, this fear of rejection still creeps in sometimes. It occasionally comes by to say hello when I need to ask someone for help with my work, when I approach someone in the street to ask for directions, when I go out and meet new people, and in countless other situations. It’s just that I don’t let it control me anymore. My fear and I are friends now: I acknowledge it, I say hello back, and then I let it be. I grab that moment of vulnerability, and instead of letting it paralyze me, I choose to laugh at it instead. I choose to laugh with it, to embrace it, and to think: “What’s the worst that can happen, really?” And instead of feeling afraid, I feel awesome.

Patience, Persistence and 5 Exercises: All You Need to Become Fearless

Despite the fact that a big part of our fear has been imprinted on us earlier in our lives, we are not powerless to change it. Every day and every moment we are presented with opportunities to overcome our fear of rejection — we just need to see them, and grab them.

I have come up with 5 exercises that have been helping me, slowly but steadily, to use my fear of rejection to my advantage. They are great because they allow me to digest it in bite-size chunks, and that makes it seem much less scary.

I am not going to lie: they do require some effort — at least in the beginning — and they are not a quick fix solution. However, they are straightforward and easy to understand, so it’s not hard to stay motivated and to see authentic progress happening.

1. Start Looking People in the Eyes

I started using this one after reading about it on Tim Ferriss’s The 4-Hour Workweek. I practice it whenever I can, in all kinds of situations. Meeting a stranger’s gaze while walking down the street (be careful not to look creepy when doing this — make sure you blink occasionally), during conversations, paying for my groceries… whenever there is a human in front of me, it’s a good time to do it. In the beginning it can be hard, but with time I did get better at it, and I saw myself gradually becoming more comfortable and confident in my interactions. Also, looking into the “windows to someone else’s soul” allows me to see that there is no monster inside, ready to eat me when I speak. There is nothing there to fear.

2. Share Something Personal and Vulnerable With Someone

A page of your diary, a confession, your feelings, or a piece of art you did and never showed to anyone (If you’re brave, being naked in front of someone can also be a truly liberating experience!) This will show you that, regardless of the other person’s reaction, you are still yourself — only a stronger, more authentic version of yourself.

Recently, I handed my journal to a guy I had just met and I told him he could open it and read any page he liked. I had never shown my journal to anyone before (and I write some really personal, juicy stuff there). It felt like jumping out of a plane with my eyes closed; it felt like this very private part of me was being seen for the first time, and there was this bubble inside my chest that grew bigger and bigger and bigger and then… it exploded, only to create new, clean space inside of me, and I felt accepted. Now that my secrets were no longer hidden, they didn’t feel like flaws anymore. I felt perfect.

3. Ask for Feedback and Receive it Openly

Receiving feedback is one of the most powerful personal growth tools I have ever experienced. You can ask your partner how they feel about your role in your relationship, your boss about your performance at work, or your friends about your friendship.

Whenever I ask for feedback, I like to set some ground “rules” first:

1. I ask the person to be as honest and as open as they possibly can.
2. I explain that I won’t be offended, as long as their feedback comes from a place of love and not of anger.

If done correctly and with compassion, sharing feedback can have amazing results. Here are some of the benefits I found:

1. By being open to receiving feedback, I am already taking a practical step to overcome my fear of rejection.
2. I get to know more about my relationship with the person who is offering me feedback.
3. I get to a chance to consciously respond to the feedback I receive.

This last one is very important: depending on how you react, you are determining the future of your relationship with your fear; you either learn from it and grow with it, or you plant its roots even deeper. If the feedback is positive and feels good, great! Enjoy it. If it feels uncomfortable and not so positive, even better: there is a chance for you to observe this discomfort and let go of the defensiveness, and just be with whatever you are feeling.

4. Identify the Moments When You Feel Afraid or Uncomfortable Around Other People

Is it when you want to text the guy you have been seeing but you are afraid he’ll find you clingy? Is it when you’re out late with your friends and you feel like going home but you struggle to say it out loud? Is it when you are about to ask someone out? Or is it when you are too afraid to tell that person that the way she speaks to you is hurtful and you don’t like it? It is important to know which external factors make us feel bad or insecure so we can become truly familiar with our fear.

However, it is also important to know our limits and to be gentle with ourselves. Follow the rhythm that is best for you. Sometimes the moment is perfect for us to challenge ourselves, but there are other times when we might be pushing ourselves for the wrong reasons. It is crucial to know our boundaries before we break them, and for that we need to become familiarized with our fear and recognize what triggers it.

5. Identify the Moments When You Try to Be Someone You Are Not — And Be Yourself Instead

I still catch myself doing this quite often, especially when I am talking to someone that I feel attracted to or with someone that triggers a feeling of superiority in me. Occasionally I find myself unconsciously building this supposedly clever and cool persona made of exaggerated deeds and carefully selected sentences. Although my ego might feel great in that moment, it doesn’t last, because it is not authentic. It’s OK to share what is amazing about ourselves, but it can be harmful when we tweak it or when we use it to hide our true feelings and boost our ego. By hiding who we truly are, we may subconsciously start believing that our true self is not good enough to be shown.

I have found it incredibly useful to try and counteract this tendency, and now I can almost always catch myself before it happens. When I do, I stop, and I laugh at how silly it is to try to be someone else when I am already amazing. Then, I share something else, something truer, something that shows who I really am, even if it makes me feel vulnerable. Especially if it makes me feel vulnerable.

// Illustrations by Silvia Bastos