One of the great paradoxes of the human being is to want to be special, but for all that, to be afraid to shine. Who does not want to be recognized and admired? We all need others to see our qualities, or better yet, to notice them.
Many feel intimidated when they stand out. Almost all, actually. In fact, to differentiate yourself from the crowd, you also need to deviate a bit from the group, not stay in the pack. In other words, to be in the registry of what is different. Hence the fear of shining.
"Your light does not obscure others, it makes them shine more."
-Flash Millán-
That is why the first thing to do is to distinguish between two things: being approved and excelling. When it is approved, it receives this small pat on the back, or this exaltation that testifies that it is accepted and valued by a group. On the contrary, when you leave the lot, when you shine under your own light, you do not necessarily reach acceptance. It is even possible that you generate some rejection.
Sometimes the case is not so extreme. The fear of glowing may come from low self-esteem. In these circumstances, the recognition of others is frightening. We want to remain anonymous, even if we secretly want and need to be recognized and admired.
The fear of shining and guilt
The success of one, in general, leads others to feel bad. It is unavoidable. An exceptional victory necessarily impacts others, and many will feel inferior, even if it is not their intention. An insecure person considers the success of others as a threat. It's as if it highlights the fact that she did not succeed.
All this, we know instinctively. We feel that success gives rise to a latent or explicit hostility. Fear of these reactions affects the fear of shining. We do not want to collide with others, especially if they are important to us.
There are unconscious mechanisms that often lead to punishing those who stand out, those who shine more or who have more power.
The family and the fear of shining
The family is the first core of socialization and, often, this is where this fear of brilliance. This happens mainly when the family is dysfunctional or when the lack of self-esteem, jealousy or feelings of inferiority predominates. If one of the members of a family is so successful, it is almost traitorous.
Of course, this is not conscious, but is filtered through behaviors such as banning bragging or forcing someone to put their talents at the service of others, precisely because "it does better." Then we present the idea that leaving the lot has negative consequences.
Therefore, parents give implicit orders to their children. For example, in some families, we can feel terribly wrong when we achieve a success that makes us very happy, because this very success makes our parents feel unhappy. How to feel good knowing that others are suffering? This is a possible source of fear to shine.
When you stand out, you expose yourself
To what has been said before, we can add the cases in which we feel the fear of shining because there is a great fear of being different. It is feared that it will be questioned or rejected. To stand out is also to expose oneself. Exposure means facing the opinion of others, which is not always constructive in relation to the new or different.
Normally this happens because you give too much credit and value to others. Therefore, we put too much emphasis on the attributes that others approve, instead of giving them those characteristics that make us unique. That is why, implicitly, objectives are created that satisfy the general opinion and not necessarily those that make us happier.
The fear of shining always implies guilt and fear of being rejected. Many people do not want to stand out, just to keep their family, friends or partner in contact. In order not to "betray" others, they end up betraying themselves, including themselves in the common misfortune and limiting their development. This is a big mistake; In fact, when we are better, we can also help others to be better.
