I’ve been thinking about gender since I was a child, but now that I have a son and a mystery baby on the way, I think about it constantly. Every piece of clothing, every book, every toy I buy for them must be vetted for sexism, heteronormativity, general obnoxiousness, etc. It’s kind of a full-time job!
On a silly/serious note, I get a perverse charge out of telling people that “yes, I am having a boy OR a girl” when asked if I know the baby’s gender.
What I would like to say is “NO! I might not know my baby’s gender for another 20 years! Even my baby might take a while to figure that out, but an ultrasound or a blood test sure as hell can’t reveal it!”
You won’t discover a baby’s gender in here!
It doesn’t stop there. On an almost daily basis, I wonder what kinds of messages I am sending to my 5-year-old son about gender (and plenty of other things too!) I’ve always made an effort to fill his wardrobe with a variety of colors even though most of what is on the market for boys is blue or red - so boring! I buy purple every chance I get. When I can, I let him choose the color he would like and he often chooses purple himself, which warms my heart, but I also wonder if it’s a good idea to encourage him to choose clothes other kids might make unpleasant comments about.
He’s so young and while they say children have absorbed a lot about gender roles by age two, he doesn’t really know yet that other people can ruin his fun with their comments, purposefully or accidentally. Should I warn him? So far, I have not, but I’m sure there will be an incident that bothers him one day. For now, my husband and I just do our best to model as much openness to difference and variation we can.
I was lucky enough to grow up with parents who always told us we could be anything we wanted to be. My dad helped my sister become a badass softball pitcher all through high school and he was my math tutor, walking me through trig, geometry, and even some calculus night after night.
When I was about 10, my mom brought home a roll of stickers that looked something like the image I have recreated below. My two sisters and I proceeded to put them on every available surface - it’s a memory that really sticks with me, even today. That was feminism to me when I was 10 years old.
My mom always sang the praises of feminism and names like Betty Friedan, Angela Davis, and Gloria Steinem graced our bookshelves. I took Women’s Studies classes in college and joined the Feminist Coalition, which was BFFs with the LGBTQ group. I’m still in touch with several of the people I met through these two groups even 15+ years later. This is when I learned about intersectional feminism and really started to evaluate gender roles in our society and my part in perpetuating them, even when I didn’t mean to want to.
Considering all the time I’ve spent pondering gender in my own kids, I’ve noticed that I’m really unsatisfied with most of the messages I see directed at children. There are some companies out there trying to make it better, but we just need more positive messages all the time! As many as possible to drown out all the shitty messages out there, like these:
First you’re wearing this, next thing you know, you’re doing one of those creepy promise ceremonies with your dad where you get a ring and it looks like you’re marrying him. Gross.
Yeah, smiling is great - everyone should do it, but stop telling girls and women to smile! We’ll scowl if we want to!
Now what about clothes for boys? Get ready:
Ha ha, hilarious joke. What if he prefers a cock? Let’s not make assumptions about 6-month-olds.
I’ve never seen a Daddy & Daughter or Mother & Son building crew onesie! Why can’t I buy one of those? Maybe that’s why my son was warning me against using power tools last summer - because I’m a girl and it’s “too dangerous,” even though he has seen me do it many times.
Oh gawd…guns, guns, guns!
Worried about your baby’s masculinity already? I’ve got just the thing for you!
But wait! It’s not all bad news…In my non-exhausive research, I noticed that there are some positive messages out there, but boys are not getting to wear them. The shirts below are a start, but we need more!
I wouldn’t buy this, but I can appreciate that it comments on her brains instead of her looks - and I love cat-eye glasses.
Sure, why not…girls gotta dream! Better than “Future heartbreaker!”
I had the under-roos when I was little. Wonder Woman is timeless.
Still, I think we can do better.
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I’ve been ruminating on a project for a while now and I would love to have your input!
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I’ve been working on some short phrases and simple drawings of children to try to fight the yucky stereotypical garbage they are faced with everyday - as much for them as for their parents. My son has long curly hair and is often mistaken for a girl - which doesn’t bother me at all - I believe kids should look like kids, not little women and men. My son also has a friend who was labeled a girl at birth, but who wants to be a boy and has a very short haircut that also gets comments…
So, I want my drawings of children to look mostly androgynous. I’m keeping a list of phrases I like, such as:
- “He? She? Why not just let me be me?”
- “It’s OK to cry. Please let me feel my emotions.”
- Barbie & Batman: a kid’s BFFs
- etc…
I’m on the lookout for more! If you have a suggestion to share, please leave it in the comments. Thanks!
Also, I’m a cis-hetero-white lady myself, but I am definitely practicing drawing kids of color too! I’m NOT a great artist, so I am not confident to show those yet…but I’m working on them! If my movement isn’t intersectional, it will be bullshit, right?
These are a couple of the prototypes. What do you think?:
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I’d love to read your thoughts about kids & gender! Thanks for reading!
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