I stood by the door in complete silence and did not dare to knock. I listened and shuddered at every slight rustle behind it. From time to time, I took a deep breath and held my hand to the door. But obviously it was not enough to make at least a couple of knocks with my knuckles. It should have been so simple.
It seemed to me that I stood there so indecisively for an eternity. I lost the sense of time. Perhaps this agonizing eternity lasted an hour or only ten minutes. While I was there, nobody entered or came out of the neighbouring doors, nobody passed me by. I was alone there. Or maybe I just did not notice anyone. Now a bright moon gazed at me out of the window at the end of the corridor.
No, uncertainty is the most painful feeling. I shouldn’t have come here. She will not open the door for me. Being so pissed at myself, I picked up my suitcase from the floor and headed for the exit. I sensed an emptiness inside me that seemed heavier than this suitcase.
I reached the doorstep. Suddenly something made me drop my suitcase and run back to the door. I realized that if I didn’t knock now, I would never dare again. As soon as I made the first knock with my index finger knuckle, the door slightly opened. Did she forget to close it? I knocked a couple of times just in case. What if she left the door open for me? But she couldn’t know that I would return today. She couldn’t know that I would return at all.
I decided to enter the flat. Carefully. I found myself in a small hall. There was not a single pair of shoes on the floor. Maybe she put the shoes in the closet, as I once taught her. I walked first to the living room hoping that she was sitting there and reading another novel without stopping. Immediately a picture appeared in my mind that she would run to hug me. Or perhaps she would throw the book she was reading at me.
There was no one in the living room either. The coffee table was completely empty. No books, no empty mugs. I did not teach her that. My consciousness refused to understand anything. The kitchen was the last place where I could find her. She couldn’t be anywhere else. I lost no time, and ran there. I have already forgotten about any fear. Maybe she’s standing there and cooking something. She just didn’t hear me enter. Maybe she just came back from the store and forgot to close the door.
In the kitchen, a familiar feeling of emptiness returned to me. She was nowhere to be found. I suddenly noticed that in the kitchen all the tables were completely empty, too. I quickly walked around the flat hoping to find something that would remind me of her. No pictures hung on the walls anymore. There were no candles anywhere. Okay, okay, maybe she just got tired of them. I opened the fridge. There was only a bottle of water in it. My heart began to slowly approach my throat. I refused to understand anything. There were no dishes in the cupboards. What’s going on… I rushed into the living room, then into the bedroom. I looked into the closets and wardrobes hoping to find the slightest hint of her presence here. All the rooms of the flat merged into one in my eyes. I couldn’t see anything in front of me. I was in an empty flat and didn’t know what to do next or where to go.
Behind the door, I expected that she would have rushed to hug me, what of course was unlikely, knowing her character. Most likely, I was almost sure she would have thrown something angrily at me. She would have shouted at me, pushed me out the door, and then she would have immediately forgiven me. I don’t know. But I did not expect that she wouldn’t be here. It didn’t succumb to my logic.
I once fled from here. Driven by my own fears and doubts. I fled. From people and their expectations, from myself and my own choice. Without saying anything, neither to her, nor to anyone else. I thought that if I disappear, everything would be resolved by itself. Now that I have returned to her hoping that she would forgive me – she would get mad at me but later forgive me – I find myself in the absolutely empty flat.
Exhausted, I collapsed into a chair in the kitchen. My gaze slid through the empty walls and the table. But then I suddenly noticed the keys. Her car keys. I jumped in surprise, as if it was a big cockroach. Then I heard steps. I felt as if someone struck me with an electric shock, my heart started beating faster.
She stood in front of me. With boxes in her arms. She moved her lips as if she was trying to say something, but words didn’t come out of her mouth. I didn’t know what to say either. In an instant I understood everything. She ran away from me, as I did from her. She wanted to disappear, taking with her everything that would remind of her.
Then I understood even more. I think we both realized this without saying a word to each other. We didn’t run away from each other. We wanted to hide from others and their great expectations and hopes, that like black clouds, hovered above us. Now we can run away together wherever we want. We can simply disappear. And we don’t have to go back for forgotten keys or wait behind closed doors. Now everything is clear. And calm.
Photo /francoisberthier