Surprise. Didn't go home.
Somethin' was still eatin' me.
I climbed an apartment building. Wadn't that hard to get up there, stairs and doors and shit's easy with low to mid-range acrobatics. I lazy-man parkoured my way up.
I was on the roof. It wasn't what you're thinkin'. Okay. It's kinda what you're thinkin'. I wasn't up there tryin' to 'end it all'. Least I wasn't thinkin' that way.
I didn't really know why. It wasn't about the succ either. I juss' was still in that place inside me. On the roof. I sat there. Rooftops are chill as hell.
Juss' watched all the city. Night wind and lights. Somethin' about it. When you're not so scared. When it's like take it or leave it. If I jumped. I'd splat. No question.
I realized what direction I was lookin' out over. I remembered more of downtown was the other way. Better view, ya know. Turned. There she was. Sittin'. Lookin' at it all. Opposite me on the same roof top.
Here it was. Without question this was the whole point. I wonder if all those artsy snobs saw the same thing in me. Maybe she wasn't so magically powerful or somethin'. Maybe it was just goddamn obvious.
See...now you need to listen. You're in your world. I'm in mine.
I sat down next to her. Our legs dangling over the ledge. Nice view of the city. Nice wind movin' over me. Movin' her hair some. You might call their stillness creepy. But when they've got a serene sort of backdrop. A quiet atmosphere around 'em. It doesn't look out of place. Looks natural. Elemental.
"So whatta ya want?"
She didn't respond.
"What I gotta do, what do I get?"
She was quiet because you can't bullshit a bullshitter.
I didn't care. It would have given me a kick to say no and laugh in her face. Then I could have sauntered off like a champ.
Man that wind felt so good it shut me up. I juss' decided to watch. She was company. And I dunno why. But I decided to pretend she wasn't there at all. Let myself be vulnerable. Watched the city at night.
Unreal moment. I dropped my defenses on her.
"Why can't I ever be happy 'bout nothin'?"
"Sorry." She said. Course it sounded geniune.
"Why is everything so dead and empty. I see lots and empty building. Empty buildings filled with empty people doin' empty things. Empty work. They all so much tryin' to not be empty. I can see it. But why do I have to feel it? They don't feel it like this."
"Just means you're special." Her voice was low, calm.
"Makes me feel short bus special. Or crazy house special."
"Some people are special. It's not necessarily pleasant."
"Juss' tell me what the hell it is you want me to do. You got some kinda warmth for me? Some kinda peace of mind to give? Do I give it all up to you and die right now?"
"You could. We could. 'Zat what you want?"
And fuck me. She looked at me. And she just looked sweet. Goddamn man, you know what they are. Looked like she cared like nobody else ever did. And the worst part.
This is the worst part of all.
I started caring about her. Cared about how she felt. Who she was. I was on the other side of the fence. I crossed the border. Like an idiot.
"I dunno what I want. What do you want?"
Her smile came back. Mud meet me steppin'.
