A: are you a guy or a girl?
B: yes
A: no, what’s in your pants
B: 1.50 and some lint
A: ok, what’s in between your legs?
B: DETERMINATION
A: alright then guess my race
B: human
A: why yes but actually no -- Anon Guest
[AN: I don't think any decent person would actually utter the words "what's between your legs" because that's way too intimate a question for casual conversation. Person A in the above interchange is unbelievably rude]
Not every meeting between Humans and members of the Alliance is easy. There are a rare few when some participants seem to refuse to get along without passing ridiculous levels of intimacy. Some Humans, the Alliance was learning, were just too curious about certain aspects of other life forms. Once a common language is established, certain aspects must be categorized in order for civilised behaviour to progress.
This involved a large number of uncivilised questions.
The Terran Colony was initially mis-translated as Prominent Grass, owing to a miscommunication based on phonetic translation. The Humans there had a rather rigid view of their own bizarre biology, and a willful opposition of scientific evidence that opposed their opinions. In all other aspects, they appeared to be relatively progressive for Deathworlders, but appearances are often deceiving.
"Excuse me, but are you a guy or a girl?" said Human Stef.
Qorx had missed two of those words. "Self not understanding 'guy' and 'girl'," ze said.
"There's only two genders," insisted Human Stef. "Men, or guys, like my friend Sean, over there." The Human Sean heard his name and waved in acknowledgement, and Human Stef waved back. "And there's women, girls like me. Which are you?"
Qorx could decide at any time to be either depending on their bedmate, or neither, like ze was now. "Yes," ze said after some consideration.
"No, you have to be one."
"Why?"
"That's the way things are. You're either a guy or a girl. That's nature."
"That is your nature, Human Stef. My nature is malleable depending on the situation and my desire to breed in a specific manner."
Human Stef let out an aggrieved sigh. "Do I call you a he or a she?"
"I am simultaneously both and neither. For biological efficiency, I currently am neither." Qorx.
"No, but you have to be one or the other. What you're talking about is unnatural."
Qorx considered this a standard stumbling block in cross-species understanding. Hir people had encountered such before, with those who could not adapt to new breeding necessities. Ze had once been asked who played host to the young when ze was merely part of a couple. "It may be unnatural for Humans, but it is perfectly natural to me."
"But how can we trust you in the public bathrooms? We need to know if you're going into the right one."
This was a new issue. "I do not understand. Would I not be entering a public bathroom to eliminate body waste?"
"There are perverts who go into the wrong bathroom to commit assault," said Human Stef, in the patient tones of someone explaining things to a small child. "Sometimes they steal children and do horrible things to them[1]."
"In the bathrooms?"
"Well, anywhere they can get a kid. We have to protect our children from the dangerous types."
"Which types are those?"
"I just explained this to you. We need to be wary of the types who go into the wrong bathrooms. We have to protect ourselves from them, and that means making sure you go into the right bathroom."
Qorx considered the dilemma. They only had bathrooms for their particular gender binary. "I shall eliminate bodily waste aboard my ship, which is the correct bathroom, yes?"
"That's... a solution... but we still need to know if you're a man or a woman."
"Why?"
"So we know whether to protect you from men or to be wary of you because you're a man."
This was more than confusing. "Isn't treating one half of your population as if they are automatically a threat the exact opposite of your philosophy of equal treatment regardless of gender?"
"That's something a man would say," scoffed Human Stef. "You have to be a guy."
"I think I shall return to the blind trade method," decided Qorx. "For the benefit of mutual safety." Ze would certainly feel safer without these illogical Humans speculating about hir theoretical genitals whilst they underwent negotiations.
[1] These are actual, unsubstantiated claims that some people won't retire no matter who the "deviant" in question is. Somehow, it's all related to sexual assault and pedophilia/human trafficking via some form of slippery slope mechanic. I do not endorse nor understand the illogic.
[Image (c) Can Stock Photo / AndreyPopov]
If you like my stories, please Check out my blog and Follow me. Or share them with your friends!
Send me a prompt [94 remaining prompts!]