What's a human to do when the researchers they're supposed to be protecting get so caught up in their work they lose all sense of danger? This is getting frustrating! Hey, all you, I know it's weird for the HUMAN to be saying this but... safety first for once?? -- Anon Guest
They say curiosity killed the cat. It also works on silly fluffy Havenworlders who are equal parts rambunctious kittens and Rikki Tikki Tavi[1]. Only without any teeth and claws to defend themselves.
That's my job. I'm the teeth and claws.
That said, it's not easy being the Expedition's Human to twenty curious little fluffballs all determined to go in every different direction they can think of. A better description of my job? Honestly? It's Team Parental.
I control the exterior airlock as a matter of mutual safety. I run them through their health and hygiene regimes. And I have to get up early-early in the morning because every single one of those fluffy maniacs is ready to go explore and find danger before it's lost. Just as early.
I make sure they clean themselves. I make sure they eat. I make sure the ones who need meds take meds. Then I get them all in their livesuits and buddy them up in teams of four. There's special software and devices to keep the teams within a safe distance of each other and -by the Powers- they all need it.
And they all complain about it too.
"Do we have to?"
"Yes," I tell them, making certain they're all locked out of the controls for their safety equipment. "There's only one of me and twenty of you. I can't even bilocate, so I need everyone here to help me look after everyone else."
"We could put it to a vote," threatened Biologist Grox. "I know we'll win." There were murmurs of agreement amongst the Havenworlders.
"Sure," I said, "and then you can vote over which one of you I get to chase around all day."
The argument always stops at that point. At least they're cogniscent enough to recognise the methods behind preventing their madness.
[1] A fictional mongoose whose life motto is "Run and find out".
[Photo by Simon Berger on Unsplash]
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