Sept 20
It’s been five days since I wrote on you, my diary, it’s due to my struggle with depression. I have resumed in our new school in the village, all I see are people who are not up to my standard or rather the standard I am accustomed to. It seems to me that I have been resigned to a prison without walls. I hated my Papa with every passing day. Most of my waking moments have been about Timi; what could she be doing now? Would she be missing me as I am missing her? What would my life have been if we had eventually connected on an emotional level we both knew we were headed? The answers I got filled me with resentment and then depression.
My Mama has left the village to stay with her aunt in Ilorin, she said she wanted to see what her life would be like in the absence of her marriage. She was determined not to allow this situation destabilize her. But I knew she was already devastated, she was only keeping a straight face just to appear brave. Now she has left, we feel all alone with our paternal grandma as our guardian. She is not a person we want to stay with but we have no choice.
Sept 21
My father arrived suddenly on this day, whatever his motive were, he failed to get us in a position where he could find fault and punish us. Nevertheless, he still found fault. This time his new charge was to box us in, to go to a church he said was his family church, even though we were now under the Pentecostal movement, even more surprising he was the one who took us away from the family church (Catholic Church) but now he wanted us back there or else we loss his complete support. Regardless of my strong hatred for him I discovered that I still needed his support to survive, so I had to obey, yes me and my siblings. He felt happy because he was able to box me to a corner, when he saw that I had chosen to comply, he added more stringent measure. We were not to go and visit my Grandma (maternal) otherwise no more schooling for us. In my mind I had no intention of obeying that but I have to play the fool and accept… but in my mind it is time to fool him.