Just one drunk night, and all the mistakes came crashing down.
I could think of every possible means to turn back the hand of time, to stop myself from ruining both our lives, and to throw away a six-year relationship with just one silly, irrational mistake on my part.
Chaska glasses always sat on the tip of his nose, which was funny at times. Chaska was different, really different from my preference for men; I was into the bad boy kind of men. But he somehow won my heart, and we started dating.
He was pure, innocent, smart, and very hardworking. He would pay his institution fees and still looked for a way to help with mine.
We got through school and graduated together, but things went south in the 6th year of our relationship. I wasn't from a wealthy home, nor was he, so money became a struggle. Sometimes he would be so worked up about it, getting frustrated, and that affected how he communicated with me. He became so silent and kept to himself. I thought giving him space and time would help him gain back his usual self. The first month was the same; the second month was worse than the first; he stopped calling and didn't pick calls; he didn't respond to any of the texts until it was 5 months; it felt like we never even existed.
Hurt, angry, and upset, I met with Chaska’s friend so he could talk to him. Getting there, I got emotional and drunk. Daniel was pretty settled at his age; he came from a wealthy background. We both got drunk and made a terrible mistake. Daniel was too upset with himself, so he decided to be the adult and told Chaska.
Our last meeting, Chaska was so angry to the point of losing it. I just had to accept that this was how things would be between both of us. Chaska was still gentle when he asked for a breakup. I knew a breakup was coming, but Chaska's saying it made the reality of it sink in. I think I was still in a place of shock. The agony made me shudder every night I cried. I couldn't even blame anyone because this was all my doing.
The following month, I heard Chaska had a massive contract and was leaving the state. I had to swallow my pride and try to call him, but it turns out he blocked me. I guess he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. Fast forward to a year after our breakup. When I heard Chaska got married, the pain was still very present. He invited everyone to his wedding apart from me. I swallowed through the pain, thinking yeah, he deserves better. I caused my misfortune. It took me a while to start dating. I thought I had moved on, but in reality, I just needed someone to fill the void in my chest. Every man I ever dated, I compared them to Chaska, and they all wore glasses. The irony is there, right? I try to stop myself from looking for features or attributes of Chaska in them, but it just won't stop.
Two years later, I heard Chaska had a son. I broke down that day and broke up with my new boyfriend. I found myself not letting go. Jane was an essence of strength to me; she was with me all through the bad days. She was the only person who didn't hold judgmental eyes when I told her how I messed up. My colleagues back in school didn't have any problem judging and mocking me.
The following year, I was done with myself; I needed to heal properly. It had already been 4 years, 5 months, and 2 weeks since we broke up, and I still had the bad tendency of counting how many days we had stayed apart from each other. I decided I needed to really heal, so the first step was getting out of the dating market and starting to look for jobs. I had literally paused 4 and a half years of my life over a breakup. And in these 4 years, getting physical was never an option; it's like I closed that side of me. I think that's caused most of my breakups; I wasn't ready to communicate or get intimate with anyone.
Finally, a miracle happened in June: I got a job! It wasn't a big kind of job; I was going to be a nanny for a 2-year-old boy. Though the pay was out of the roof, I didn't mind; I loved kids; I wanted them, at least with Chaska back then, not anymore. In fact, the thought of marriage was still a bit frightening to me. And I was 27 for crying out loud.
The first time I met little Samuel, that little kid just captured my heart, and I think it was the same for him too. He was super happy to meet me; it felt like he was waiting for my arrival. According to the maids and cooks, he never allows anyone to touch him apart from his father, my boss, whom I had not seen since I started my job. It turns out he was out of the state; he was a serious-minded businessman, so he won't be around for a while. Samuel, on the other hand, was so clingy to me; he always refused to eat the food made by the cooks unless I cooked for him. I was glad though; I took my job seriously, from cooking to washing his clothes, taking him to school, and bringing him back, although Samuel was his only personal driver. I would've to sing to him before he sleeps. I feel like I was hit by motherhood so suddenly. And I honestly liked it.
I found out Samuel's mother died of stage 4 cancer. There was no helping her after the poor boy's birth. According to the gossip around the household, my boss was in a contract marriage with her, which I didn't understand, but when Samuel's mother died, it drained him. He moved his focus to work instead of their baby. They had changed so many nannies because the poor child wouldn't accept anyone who wasn't his mom. My heart melted at that thought. Poor little boy.
I found it so hard to believe that the only pictures in the house were Samuel's pictures and one with his mom when he was born. Nobody addresses my boss by his name; they just call him sir or boss. As time went by, I got closer to little Samuel—so close that we often slept on my bed because he couldn't sleep alone—and one day he said something that shocked everyone, including myself.
"Mommy, hurry, hurry! School!” my little boy chirped cheerfully.
I didn't respond because, what do you respond to that?.
"Mommy, hurry now!” His baby tongue was so cute, as he found it difficult to make a full statement correctly. I looked at the little boy who was giving me a scolding look, like I was the one that deserved to be scolded. I smiled softly. Often, that's what I do these days—just smile.
“Now look here, baby. I know this is overwhelming for you, but I need you to know that I'm just nanny Felicia, not mommy, okay?” I used my gentle voice to correct him.
But he wasn't having it today; he always listened, but today was different. A frown graced his cute face as he stared at me, confused.
“No, you mommy!” And that was accompanied by his foot stamping stubbornly on the floor. He looked at me, upset.
“No, baby, you don't understand.” I felt someone patting my shoulders. Turning around, I saw Mama Grace, as we all called her, because she managed the whole household and she was elderly too. She shook her head at me, like she was saying no.
“Let him; don't ruin his innocent mind; right now you're the only one he has accepted wholeheartedly, so let him.” Well, I wasn't worried about Samuel calling me mom, but how would my boss take it? I'm not his mother.
I sighed, just nodding.
It's been 5 months with Samuel, and his new development of calling me mom didn't fade, not one bit. It was always “Mommy, yummy, yummy!” Which means the food was delicious. Or "mommy, come sleep” or "mommy, school.” That's how he addressed me. And everyone got used to it, which was quite surprising.
And speaking of my boss, I heard he was coming the next day, which gave me a little time to prepare Samuel's mind to start calling me his nanny.
Today, he just wanted bacon and eggs. After we finished eating, I got him ready for school. Leaving the house, we saw an unfamiliar car getting in. I didn't recognize the car as my boss’s until little Samuel ran to the car after it was packed. Chanting “Daddy!” I think I was in a little shock because I thought he was coming the next day. Well, the package of surprises wasn't over just yet.
I saw Chaska walking up to the door, holding the boy in his left hand and his right hand occupied with his phone. It seemed like he had not noticed me yet. And this is when I played the scenario in my head where I made my escape through the gate by jumping over it.
But Samuel had other ideas when he started shouting, “Mommy! Mommy!!” Wagging his way out of his father's grip to run to me, I think I died a thousand times when Chaska finally looked my way with a confused look on his face. Of course, his driver was as shocked as I was.
“Mommy, mommy. Daddy!” Samuel kept pointing at his dad, like telling me, "See, Daddy is back. Of course I know. It's just I'm not your mom.
Chaska was still in his own world of shock. I guess seeing an ex and your son calling them mommy would put you in such a place. He glared at me, then eyed my uniform. I think that's when he realized I was his employee and Samuel's nanny.
“What are you doing here? And why is my son calling you his mom?” I could hear the bitterness in his voice; he was angry. He was super angry but also so handsome; his voice had gotten deeper with maturity; he looked taller and had a lot more muscles than when I met and left him four years ago.
I was still very much speechless; it's like the words refused to leave my throat.
"Mommy, school now!” Samuel had brought me out of my stupor and given me a chance to escape as I followed the small hands dragging me to the car.
Lost.
Confused
Heartbroken once again.
I felt all the emotion all at once, and finally everything started to make sense. I found out that I wasn't employed by Chaska; Mama Grace did the employing and assessing when it came to Samuel's nannies. I found out that the beautiful lady in the frame with Samuel was actually Chaska’s wife and Samuel's mother. My heart bled in ways I could not explain. When I got back from dropping off Samuel, I never saw Chaska throughout the day, which was a relief. Restlessly turning on my bed, I couldn't sleep without my thoughts being so loud. I needed a glass of water; maybe that would clear my head.
Samuel was actually sound asleep, so I wasn't bothered about waking him. He reminds me so much of his dad now that I think about it.
Heading to the kitchen, I thought I needed a glass of water, but I ended up gulping a full bottle instead, sighing.
“Why are you here?” The voice behind me had startled me, getting a scream of fright out of me, and I turned to see who that might be. And who else if not Chaska?
He looked so fine with only sweatpants on. His sleeping hair and those glasses on the tip of his nose. I almost smiled at that.
“Hi.” I gulp the nerve going a wire inside me. I found out he wasn't going to respond to my greetings.
“I-i just wanted a glass of water, that's all.” I stuttered, not able to stare at him for a long time. My eyes found the floor quite pleasing to look at. I never knew the designs were this fine.
“What are you doing in my house, Felicia?” Oh, straight to the point, are we?
“I work here as Samuel's nanny.” I said.
“Then why is he calling you his mother?”
How do you answer a question you have no answer to? I stood there quietly for a minute or so before responding.
“I don't know; he just started calling me that.”
“Look, I don't know your purpose in my house, coming here and deceiving my son into seeing you as his mother.
"Chaska, I would never do_.”
“That is sir to you; you are an employee; don't you ever address me by my name; know your place.”
Ouch. I had blinked my eyes severally because I felt the tears were about to rush out, and I couldn't give myself that satisfaction of letting my emotion out in front of him, so instead I looked at the floor. Everything was already overwhelming as it is for me, knowing that I was working for my ex, I just wanted to pack my bags and go home, quit the job, and quit my life.
“I don't know what you did to my son, but fix it. Am I understood?.”
I didn't respond at first.
“I said, Am I understood!?”
“Yes sir.” I flinched. I think he heard the crack in my voice, because I heard it too. Chaska walked past me. And then the tears came rushing. I didn't realize I was sobbing and sniffing, cleaning the tears roughly with the back of my hands.
“Stupid, stupid, I'm so stupid.” And another sob followed. What was I expecting—that he would have forgiven me, that he would be okay with his son calling me mom? I just… I just wanted to go home at this point. I felt so drained and numb.
I couldn't sleep; I think I spent half the night crying until my eyes were sore. The next morning, I had prepared Samuel for school, made his breakfast, and made his lunch.
Chaska came to the dinner table where I was feeding his son. I tried as much as possible to hide my face, but I think he saw my eyes, and just for a second, I felt his eyes soften to the point of feeling guilt, but as it came, it disappeared so fast you'd think the softness was never there.
“Samuel, today I'm taking you to school.” Samuel gave me his incomplete tooth smile; he was indeed beautiful.
"Mommy coming too!.”
“No, Samuel, I'm not coming, and I'm not your mom. Call me a nanny from now on, okay?” I corrected him quickly but gently.
“No, you, mommy.” He was upset.
"Samuel, she is your nanny, not your mother; from now on, you address her that way.” Chaska's voice was firm and clear. And for some reason, seeing Samuel tear up as he looked from me to his father was heartbreaking; he looked so sad.
Trying to feed him the last spoon of his breakfast, he threw a tantrum, crying and slamming his little hands on the table.
“Mommy, she mommy daddy.” It felt like he was trying to explain to his father, to let him understand that I was his mom. Samuel's cries became louder and louder, and he wasn't calming down even with my soothing voice.
“Stop it now!” Chaska shouted at the toddler, making him quiet instantly, and the next thing Samuel did was reach out for me like he was scared. And I quickly carried him; he cried quietly, but it was so heartbreaking while he called out to me. Saying “mommy no,” he had a tight grip around my neck, and I didn't realize when I started crying that I had never seen him this way before.
And when I glared at Chaska, he looked so remorseful with guilt. The toddler had cried himself to sleep in my arms. Every time I tried to remove his arms around me, he would wake up in an instant and say “mommy no,” and every time he did that, I cried as much. And that's when I realized that I saw Samuel as my own child. I couldn't just pack my things and leave, even if I wanted to. This was just a mom's instinct to protect her child.
Well, it had been a month since those incidents, and Chaska never stopped Samuel from calling me mom; in fact, he never complained about it after that. These days, he would come around and ask me to make him breakfast, which I did. At first, when he asked me to make him breakfast, I was shocked, but in time I got used to it. We ate together while Samuel blabbed about heaven knows what, but I was happy. The toddler wasn't sad anymore; he was back to his usual self. Sometimes I caught Chaska staring at both of us, and sometimes he was so lost in his own thoughts. But that wasn't my problem; I just wanted to be there for Samuel anyway I possibly could.
Chaska started coming home early in the evenings; one evening he came back hungry and I made his meal, and he started coming home early to eat dinner. It became a routine for both of us: first we eat breakfast, then we drop Samuel off at school, then I go back to pick him up after school, then we meet again together to have dinner. I remember one time when Samuel held both our hands, chanting, Mommy and daddy, hurry! Because we were making him late for school. I and Chaska had stared at each other for a good long second before I saw Chaska's lips twitched in a half smile. I too had a smile for myself. I didn't want to feel like I was hallucinating, so I stopped overthinking things.
Mama Grace said this was the happiest she had seen Samuel and the most she had seen her boss come back home; most times he gave an excuse just to stay back at work.
“So you're saying that he's always home for dinner these days?.” My friend Jane asked as we FaceTimed.
“Yes,” I answered. “But I don't want to read the meaning to it; he was so harsh and mean to me in the beginning, but now he sometimes smiles at me. I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into it, though.”
"Well, it could be that he has started falling again.” She said it with a smile.
I frown at that with a doubtful mind. “Of course not; I doubt he'd ever look at me that way again.”
"Oh, my dear stupid friend, never say never to golden opportunities like this one.”
“I can't say never to something that's not real to begin with.”
She signed, looking tired of me already.
"Okay, answer this honestly. Did you even stop loving him? I know you wanted to move on, but did you even try?.”
I thought about the answer to that question carefully; of course, I never stopped loving him.
“I try moving on, but I never really stopped loving, and knowing he's in the same space as me has made it super difficult to move on. I just want to focus on my job; I don't want to overthink things, plus what use are my feelings for him? It's not like he would ever trust me again.”
“Just keep the options open; I strongly doubt he's over you. And as I said, Never say never, he could be in the same situation as you.” I smiled at that, but with a doubtful heart.
“And by the way, we both need to be married before we turn 28, so get your man ready or don't come back to my house; even if we're both paying rent, it doesn't matter.” I laughed at that. Jane just got engaged to Michael, and I was really happy for her.
Well, we had to accept the fact that we coexist in each other's space. These days I felt Chaska gaze at me; sometimes he'd steal glances at me. Before, I used to feel self-conscious about it, but now I really liked the attention. Sometimes he'd just stare at my lips, making it known that he was looking. That man and his audacity.
It made me smile, though, and I still didn't want to read the meaning of those stares. Today was Saturday, and I was packing a small package for my baby. He was going to stay with his grandparents for the weekend, and he was leaving this morning. I felt somehow about that. I asked Chaska if I should go with him, but his response was that he would manage. I sighed at that.
“Hey Felicia.” I turned to look at Chaska, standing by the door.
“Yes sir.” I answered. I felt like he didn't understand it when I addressed him as Sir because his face would frown, then settle afterwards. But he told me to call him sir; that's what I always thought.
“Do you have plans this Saturday?.”
“Not really.” I work here; I rarely go out, and you know what I thought.
"Well, I want us to go out on a date,” he muttered so gently.
A date! A date for what? I think I was surprised to have said anything, and he noticed it. But he continued talking.
“You see, I know we have a past together, and for so long I didn't want to address it because I was so angry.”
I was too nervous to speak. Yeah, it was time to address our past; it was a prolonged discussion.
“I wasn't only angry at you but myself too, mainly myself, because I knew I was selfish, self-centered, and frustrated, but I had passed it on to you. I knew that my lack of communication had pushed you to do what you did. I was just so angry and was too in my head to have noticed I had hurt you too.”
I took a sharp breath just looking at him.
“But now I want to let go of that and build something with this future right in front of us.”
I think I skipped a breath when he said that.
“I know what I did to you was so wrong, and I never got over it because I loved you too much to get over it. But this isn't about me anymore; it's about you, and I don't think you could ever trust me for what I did.”
He signed heavily after hearing my voice. “Felicia, you don't know this, but I have always loved you.”
My eyes become teary. But why? Why now, when things have gone beyond fixing? “But you got married, Chaska; you obviously had moved on.”
He looked me in the eyes, so intensely that he wanted me to hear every single word he had to say and see how true they were. “But I never stopped loving you, Felicia. I met Annie; we were just friends, and I told her I wasn't over you. But one night things got out of hand; we got drunk, and Samuel was the product of it. Not that I regret having Samuel, but the act itself I'd regret for a while. It turns out that Annie's parents were not your typical parents that would overlook such an act. I had to marry Annie to protect her, but I told her that it was going to be a contract marriage, and she agreed. Well, that's until we found out in the 8th month of Samuel's pregnancy that she had cancer stage 4. After Samuel's birth, she died a week later. I didn't want the news to spread, so we did a private burial for her. I was honestly terrified back then, so I thought about calling you.”
“So why didn't you?” I asked.
“Because I found out you were dating someone else, and information had it that you guys got engaged.”
I sighed, feeling like the weight of the world had just fallen on my shoulders. "Yeah, we got engaged at some point, but a week later I returned the ring only to find out he was cheating.”
“Oh.” Was his own response.
I looked down, fidgeting with the hem of my shirt. I didn't even notice when he got closer. He raised my chin so I could look into his eyes.
“I forgive you, and I want you to forgive me too. Let's start all over. You have already proven your worth beyond reasonable doubt with Samuel; it's so natural for you to be his mother. I like that. I like coming home to see you guys together waiting for me to join in for dinner. I like the peace you have brought to my home and to me as well. I don't mind where this leaves us, but I really want you back in my life. I don't mind if you are my wife this time and the mother to all my kids. So will you date me again?”
I think I was smiling even with all the tears as I nodded my head, accepting with my heart.
“Yes, I want to start all over with you. I'm still very much in love with you.” I said.
He smiled; this time the smile reached his eyes, and then they sparkled. “Yes. I love you too; never stop and never will." We hugged so tightly. His embrace was warm and cozy.
Well, long story short, we dated at least 5 months before we got married, and now here I am with my big belly and my twin in there. I was 7 months old, and walking has become more challenging, as has breathing. As for my best friend, Jane broke up with Michael and caught him cheating, obviously breaking my friend. That's until she met another Michael; this one was Chaska's cousin, who stayed in Japan. He only came for our wedding because he was Chaska's best man. Well, when Michael started showing interest, I remember how skeptical she was, but I used her favorite quote, "Never say never," on her.
Well, Michael was super serious with her, and that's why we're planning a surprise proposal. He had asked me for ideas, so I gave him a few, including how my crazy friend would like the proposal to be. I was happy for her, but this time it was genuine.
“Did I tell you how beautiful you look in that gown, baby?” My husband, Mr. Chaska, said. I rolled my eyes, but that smile never left my lips.
“Of course you have said it more than 20 times today.”
“I can't help it; can't a man appreciate his beautiful wife with twins anytime he sees her?” He pressed a kiss on my lips. Making me blush. Chaska had been the best husband and dad.
"Mommy, my kissing too!” My firstborn said: Of course, Samuel gets jealous like his father when the attention isn't on him. I bent just a bit because he was sitting on a chair, and I pressed a kiss on his forehead.
“There.” I said, laughing.
“Hey young man, were you there when I got on my knees begging her to marry me before she said yes? Of course, you were not there. So don't fight me with my wife's lips.”
"No, daddy, kiss mine.” I let out a chuckle at my son and husband's argument.
Mama Grace said I brought peace and happiness into their lives, and I'd love to believe that because they were my happiness. Now we just had to wait for two more rounds of happiness to join in. I rubbed my big belly gently. Better days ahead.
I think I got carried away with this story, it's longer than usual. But thanks for stopping by 😅