If you're reading this, chances are your culture has either achieved interstellar travel, or had it foisted upon them by (possibly sexy) spacefaring conquerors from another planet. Therefore, you are fully aware that you live in a galaxy populated by a bunch of people who don't look like you, and whose preferred sexual positions probably make you blush. And, if you're anything like the other eighty kazillion beings in the known multiverse, you've probably fantasized about getting frisky with one of those hot alien specimens.
Also, if you are like the other eighty kazillion beings in the known multiverse, you're probably entertaining a lot of uninformed opinions about sex between members of different species.
It's the current year, for Flark's sake. Let's stop hiding behind our lacy handkerchiefs and educate ourselves on the realities of interspecies sex! Here are four myths about sex with aliens that you no longer have to embarrass yourself by believing. (And remember, when you encounter a member of another species, YOU are the alien to them!)
1. Sex is impossible when your parts don't fit together.
Not true! Just because you can't copulate with your partner in the way "nature intended" doesn't mean you can't have a very satisfying (and even exciting!) sex life. All it means is that you won't be able to produce offspring by natural means. (Though it is possible to mix your foreign genes together and make babies... see Myth #4.)
In my work as an interspecies sex counselor, I have often helped couples discover ways to pleasure each other even though they might lack the "right equipment".
For instance, I once counseled a young Tryvkish male (we'll call him Bob) who was in love with a Glormian female (who we'll call Cindy.) Bob was worried that he was failing to please Cindy in bed. Now, I know what you're thinking--
Isn't it true that Glormians are, on average, five times the size of Tryvkish beings?
Yes, that's true.
And don't Glormian females have several barrel-sized penises that vibrate on contact?
Yes, but that doesn't mean they can't improvise. There are plenty of Glormian penis-inspired sex toys on the market.
And aren't the Tryvkish known throughout the Multiverse for their lack of sexual vigor, owing to the fact that they evolved to procreate in the fifth dimension, and therefore have no discernible sexual organs?
Yes, yes, yes, but all that's beside the point. Mismatched sexual organs (or lack thereof) weren't the cause of Bob's romantic problems. As we delved deeper into the issues surrounding his sex life, we unearthed the real culprit: a lack of confidence. Bob had allowed certain popular stereotypes of Glormians to inform his ideas about what Cindy wanted sexually. Of course he was having trouble. Believing that your sexual partner can only achieve orgasm when all twelve of her barrel-sized penises are stimulated at the same time is bound to be kind of intimidating, especially when you have no orifices large enough to accommodate them, and only one hand.
Bob knew, logically, that Glormian sex stereotypes aren't universally true. But he had subconsciously bought into these beliefs, instead of asking Cindy what she wanted. When he finally did ask, it turned out that Cindy's biggest turn-on was having her meish quorkled. Once Bob consulted the Multiverse Interlinked Encyclopedia to figure out what a meish was and how to quorkle it with only one hand, everything turned out fine. Bob and Cindy celebrated their 15th wedding anniversary recently, and they are quite happy together, though Cindy does have to be very careful not to smother Bob when she rolls over in bed.
2. Having sex with a being from another planet is a sure way to get a mutant STD from space, like Gwalgian Herpes.
While there are some scary sexually transmitted diseases in the multiverse, very few of them are transmissible between species. Gwalgian herpes is a virus that evolved on Gwalg, in the conditions specific to the Gwalgian biology. If you are not Gwalgian, the virus will not affect you, because it would not know what to do in your body. However, if you are in a sexually intimate relationship with a Gwalgian, you should probably be wary of any open sores around the genitalia. Even though the sores are not contagious to you, they could mean that your partner is three days or fewer from death by explosion, and that could get messy. Also, you should NEVER be sexually active with more than one Gwalgian within a week of each other, because the virus can survive, dormant, underneath your tongue flap or on the skin of your detachable bile duct. You could then transmit the virus to your second Gwalgian lover, making you the disease vector, and technically a felon on Gwalg.
But other than that, there's no need to worry about space-herpes or any other sexually transmitted diseases from members of another species. You're far more likely to contract an STD from a member of your own species.
3. Tentacled species like rough sex--to the point of injury.
If you've ever been to high school or seen a romantic comedy made for intergalactic audiences, you've probably been exposed to the popular theory that to engage in sexual activity with a tentacled being is to sign up for death by tentacling.
Or, as the common adage goes: "Once you go tentacle, put salve on your genitals."
This popular wisdom is totally false. Don't believe everything you hear on the holoscreen. Over 70 known species have some sort of tentacles, and they aren't all bruisers in bed.
Except for Vorks. Everything they say about Vorks is true.
4. Interspecies couples can't have children.
Everyone knows it's possible for same-species couples to conceive genetically engineered offspring, and even to carry their precious little spawn to term in artificial amniotic backsacs. So why does anyone think, in the CURRENT YEAR, for Flark's sake, that it isn't possible for interspecies couples and groupings to do the same?
Advanced genetic science methodologies exist that enable up to eight beings different species and opposite ends of the multiverse to mix their genes together and create designer rugrats of their own. Want Junior to have dad 1's soulful yellow eyes, dad 2's athletic ability, mom 1's mathematical genius and mom 2's beautiful snout feathers? It can be done. All 27 of my own spawn are perfect little genetic melting pots of myself and their four fathers.
Isn't the future wonderful?
Dr. Mifferthy Agnops is the foremost sexpert in the multiverse. She helps couples and groupings from around the galaxy to find joy and fulfillment in their interspecies relationships. Dr. Mifferthy lives in the black seas of Vlacksnip 6 with her husbands and their spawn.
Thank you for reading!
Hi! I'm Leslie Starr O'Hara, but my friends call me Starr. I live in the mountains of North Carolina and I write funny fiction and satire here on Steemit. FOLLOW ME if you want to laugh your britches off!
Stay tuned for more! I publish Intergalactic Clickbait fiction every Wednesday. Granted, I almost didn't make it this week (it's almost 9:30 p.m. where I live, as I post this), but hopefully some of you night owls and Californians will still read and upvote this story.
;)