Say you find a bracelet. Somewhere by the side of the road maybe, or in a dusty alley, half covered by some leaves or other rubbish. A simple, silver bracelet, slightly twisted with an opening on the side so you can slide it over your wrist. What do you do? You pick it up, take a closer look, wipe off the dirt and you try it on. Just to see if it fits and what it looks like. You can always try to find its owner later. Who wouldn’t?
I did. There was no way of tracing where it came from, so I might as well keep it. No one ever asked me about it, and I never told anyone. I don’t remember where or when I found it, and I don’t think it matters much. I know now that no one accidentally dropped it, and I know it’s very likely its previous owner died wearing it, before it was their time, because the bracelet gives you your every heart’s desire, but asks a high price in return. But I obviously had no clue about any of that when I found a bracelet by the side of the road and decided to try it on. I won’t claim this is a very original story. There probably have been hundreds of stories like this one. But then, magic isn’t very original either; it’s been working the same principles for centuries, and apparently people still fall for it.
Whoever tries the bracelet on, doesn’t take it off. Not when you go to sleep, not when you take a bath. At first I didn’t notice, but after a while I realized I took off all my jewelry when I went to the bathhouse, except for the bracelet. I was afraid I’d lose it. You don’t leave your newborn baby alone either. It was safer to have it close. I didn’t like it when people touched my hand or looked at the bracelet for too long, anxious they might steal it. And strangely, people seemed to touch my hand more often than ever before, pretending it was by accident, trying to get my attention. It was a slow process, I didn’t see it happening, but one day I looked into the mirror and saw a girl that was far more beautiful than I remembered. My skin was softer, my lips fuller, my eyes bigger and my lashes longer. I was too happy with it to wonder where it came from. In the beginning the bracelet just gives – when it starts taking it’s already too late.
I savored the admiring looks, the attention, the compliments. It’s not that I had been specifically ugly before, but I was a late bloomer, a little clumsy and childish, but not in the cute way. My friends were far more beautiful, more elegant, more mature. When they had already mastered the art of seduction, I still had the body of a child, too young to be interesting for the boys I swooned at. I felt invisible. I wanted nothing more than to be seen and to be desired. I didn’t just wish to be like my friends, I wanted to surpass them, I wanted something they had never had. I longed for them to look up at me in awe for once. And they did. In time, they felt ignored and invisible as all heads turned in my direction when I entered a room and the boys and men that had been chasing after them were now fighting for my attention instead.
It was a wonderful game of revenge, subtly rubbing in their faces how the tables had turned, with the same careless self-evidence with which they had always talked about the boys that were after them, pretending not to realize how hurtful it is not to be wanted. And I got back at the boys, too. I flirted and danced and teased and when they thought they had a chance I let them beg and humiliate themselves. I remember one boy in particular I had been in love with for a long time when I was a little younger. I don’t think he was ever even aware of my existence back then. He was an arrogant brat, always bragging to his friends about how he could get any girl he wanted. He was pretty much asking for it. I effortlessly wrapped him around my finger, made him crawl for me and then dumped him without mercy. I was the first girl he ever cried about, the first girl he begged to come back. I didn’t feel guilty for a second. He had made plenty girls cry and beg – he just got what he deserved, it was more or less justice.
I wish now that I had stopped after I got my revenge. But the power tasted good and it intoxicated me and I wanted more. Why would I settle for just being beautiful and elegant? I got annoyed by people who though I wasn’t intelligent, as if nature distributes gifts equally among the people and a woman cannot be good looking and smart at the same time. So I surprised friend and foe with my knowledge of the sciences, of philosophy and history. I spoke different languages, first three, then five, then eight. When did I learn those languages? Where did I get my knowledge? I’m pretty sure I didn’t spend a lot of time studying, God no. I had better things to do.
And without knowing why, I cherished my bracelet. I even gave him a name: Nanuto. I treated him almost as a living being, someone who understood me and who was my ally, especially after my obviously jealous friends had let me down. At least he knew what I was worth and what I deserved, and I deserved still more. No one is ever completely satisfied, especially when you know there is a way of getting what you want. Wasn’t I entitled to be wealthy and famous? Why should someone like me have to work or marry for money? And I got my wealth and fame, of course I did.
It’s funny how people rarely directly wish for what they really want. Grant us a wish and we’ll ask for money, fame, beauty. But nobody wants money just to have money. We want money because we think it will make us happy. In the end, all of our silly superficial wishes are just means to one end: being accepted and valued by others for who we are. And that’s the one thing Nanuto doesn’t offer. Acceptance is something you have to earn, not something you can take. I had plenty of admirers, mooching around the walls of my luxurious mansion trying to catch a glimpse of their object of affection, but their admiration was as empty and superficial as the perfect face and divine body I saw in the mirror every day. The excitement had worn off, and now my own perfection started to bore me.
And then one day I met Onan. From the moment I saw him and he gave me a playful, boyish grin that revealed a dimple in his cheek, I was in love. The intensity of the feeling was an almost welcome change from the dull numbness of everyday life, but unfortunately he did not respond my feelings. Me, the definition of perfection, who made every man grovel, was now groveling herself. Why didn’t he adore me, like everyone else? Why didn’t he come to me to confess his burning desire? How could I, after all this time, be back where I started, ignored and unwanted? I hated the fact that he had power over me, that his existence influenced me, that I was dependent on him for my happiness.
I had to end this humiliating situation. Desperate, I approached him and demanded an explanation.
‘Why don’t you love me?’
‘What is there to love?’, he asked, shrugging.
Nanuto laughed at his ridiculous answer, outraged, and demanded I got Onan out of my head. A man who couldn’t see what was right in front of his eyes clearly wasn’t worth being with me. But Onan’s answer had stirred something inside me and for the first time, I felt something rise to resist what I had become. I had pretty much merged with Nanuto by then, and he had started to devour me, slowly excavating me until there was nothing left but the beautiful perfect shell my admirers worshipped. There was not much left to love and I felt hollow and empty.
I’m not sure whether the time that followed was better or worse than the time before. I was miserable, but I hadn’t felt anything close to happiness before that time either. Nanuto tried to convince me to forget Onan and promised me more and more of what I already had. When that failed, he made sure I felt horribly guilty for betraying him, my only ally, who had given me everything I had. He had made me into what I was and he would destroy me if I didn’t surrender to him. But the tiny gnawing piece of doubt and unrest that Onan’s words had nested inside me refused to be eradicated, and I knew he was the solution to Nanuto. The solution to Nanuto. Getting rid of him. I didn’t even dare to think about it, as I knew that was treason. I felt my disgust grow, but because I was so intertwined with Nanuto that meant I had to loath myself, my body, my brain, every fiber of my being.
‘You have to help me. I want to get rid of Nanuto.’ It was the first time I said it oud loud, and it frightened me. Now the treason was a fact. Onan shook his head.
‘You have to help yourself.’
He walked away, gesturing me to follow. We walked in silence for hours. We left the town, crossed cornfields and entered a forest. Suddenly he halted and pointed to the river that found its way down the hill left of us, swirling and thundering.
‘Cross the river.’
I froze. It seemed so simple. Just cross the river and you’ll be free. But it wasn’t simple at all. Nanuto was nervous, he forbade me to take one step closer to that river. I knew this was going to be the hardest thing I’d ever have to do and no one would be there to help me do it.
‘I can’t,’ I whispered helplessly.
Onan said nothing, but he took me to a cave a little further down the stream.
‘You’ll stay here until you can,’ he said. In the days that followed, he hardly talked to me again. ‘Collect wood’, ‘prepare the fire’, ‘prepare the food’, that was his only communication. I yearned for something more, a friendly word or some encouragement maybe, but his face showed no emotion and I didn’t dare to start a conversation. I did what I was ordered in silence.
How long did we stay at that cave like that? I lost all sense of time, I simply did what I was told without complaining or questioning. I could easily have run away if I wanted. I knew Onan wouldn’t stop me. Nanuto pulled at my feet, demanding me to leave and to return to my old, comfortable life, bribing me with new promises. But I knew this was my last chance, and if I failed now I would be lost forever. And I would disappoint Onan, and even though he wouldn’t let it show – because he never did – I would never be able to face him again.
One day I knew I was ready. He took me back to the place where he had first pointed at the river. The moment I saw the water bellowing down I felt fear clawing at my throat and all my courage was gone instantly.
‘I changed my mind,’ I squealed timidly. He did not respond, he just stood there and looked at me without any sign of emotion on his face. The water frightened me, but I didn’t dare to walk away either – not when he looked at me like that.
‘I’ll do it another time.’
Still no response. I knew he would stand there and look at me until I crossed the river.
‘Please don’t make me do this,’ I cried.
‘I’m not making you do anything,’ Onan said. ‘You don’t have to go. It’s your decision. But it’s the only way.’
I wished he had grasped me and dragged me into the water, so that I could have struggled. I wished he had forced me, so I would have had a reason to get angry. I wanted to resist. But he didn’t do anything, and there was nothing for me to resist other than myself. It seemed to last an eternity. I cried when I took off my clothes. I fought myself when I walked down the stones to the river, shivering with cold. The moment my foot touched the water the icy cold cut short my breath. I turned around to Onan, desperate for some encouragement, but I was alone. He did nothing to help me, said nothing to make it easier. He just stood there, watching. Crying and shaking in despair I moved forward, one tiny step after the other, struggling for breath. When the water touched Nanuto I lifted my hand up, startled. I moved forward with my hand above my head to keep him dry. When the water came all the way up to my chin I realized I couldn’t move any further. The current had changed somehow, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not get any closer to the other shore.
I knew what I had to do. I had known it from the very start, but the very thought of it was so dreadful that I hadn’t let it into my mind. I lowered my hand into the water. The moment the water touched Nanuto the river began to pull. I screamed and cried in pain and despair. I didn’t want to lose him, I wanted to go back, put my clothes back on and return to my old life. Desperately, I tried to grab him with my other hand and the river pulled me under. I fought for air and felt Nanuto slowly slipping away and then, at last, letting go. He was gone, I was free.
I lost everything. My beauty, my charm, my knowledge, my money, the water had washed it all away. It felt like I lost a leg. No, worse, like I lost both of my legs and my arms. I was ripped in two, only half of me remained. And for all that I lost I gained one thing: my freedom. Relieved, I could finally breathe again freely. Without much effort I swam to the other shore, where I dragged myself out of the water, shivering and coughing. And there, Onan was waiting for me, and for the first time since that time I had fallen in love with him he grinned his playful, boyish grin that revealed a dimple in his cheek.
All images are made by me. Thanks for reading!