Military man of the shadows, Michael G Vickers, tells of his masterfully murderous Mujahideen heroics.
Image courtesy of wikimedia commons
Media Puppet (looking into camera): Ladies and gentlemen, have we got a juggernaut of force here with us today. I’m proud to present an exclusive interview with a former elite member of the CIA’s Special Activities Division, DOD member, and current director at BAE Systems, Michael G. Vickers. (turns to Vickers)
Michael Vickers (cheesy grin): It’s great to get in the spotlight for once so I can show off and brag. I’m usually stuck in the shadows.
Media Puppet: It must be a very trying experience, always having to keep your heroic evil exploits to yourself.
Michael Vickers (sobbing): It does hurt sometimes.
Media Puppet: The first thing I’d like to ask you, Michael, is if you could enlighten us with some information regarding the Special Activities Division. What is it exactly?
Michael Vickers: It’s a vague and innocent sounding label for covert operations both in the military and political sphere, of which I participated in military.
Media Puppet: So it’s a mundane term meant to not attract attention.
Michael Vickers: That’s right. When you’re doing covert ops that usually involve torture, murder, and sex and drug trafficking, it’s best not to attract too much attention from the wrong people.
Media Puppet: And don’t forget money laundering!
Michael Vickers (slapping forehead): Uh, how could I do that, of course, money laundering.
Media Puppet: When you say “wrong people”, do you mean the general public?
Michael Vickers: Of course, the everyday ignorant slave.
Media Puppet: Well put! Now Michael, you were involved in the famous Operation Cyclone during the 1980s in the Middle East. This was a training and equipping of the Mujahideen to fight the Red Menace. We’d really like to know about your personal experience with some of those individuals you worked with in the war effort.
Michael Vickers: I worked with so many admirable and brave characters. The first one that comes to mind is Gulbuddin Hekmatyar.
Media Puppet: The infamous “butcher”, is that right?
Michael Vickers (grinning with demonic delight): That’s right, The Butcher. He was one crazy SOB. No one murdered women and children better than him.
Media Puppet: Even better than you?
Michael Vickers: Evan better than me. No amount of crying and begging could stop him from pulling the trigger.
Media Puppet: Is it true that you worked closely with Osama Bin Laden?
Michael Vickers: Oh, yeah, for years. He was kind of a pansy, to tell you the truth. He was never on the front lines, never had that gung-ho fighting mentality. He was more on the financial side of things. He’d occasionally bring plane loads of cash to help with the financing, but he was no soldier. And now that I think about it (chuckles) he used to whine so much about the stupidest things, like his beard itches, the AC ain’t workin in the tent, a couple of girls in his harem ran away, just such a big baby, ya know.
Media Puppet: The softer side of Osama, how poetic. What would you say was the most difficult aspect of your time in Afghanistan?
Michael Vickers: Whew, that’s tough. There was so much to deal with like scorpions, warlords, ice cream always melting too quick, but I guess the toughest would have been dividing up the heroin loot between so many heroic murderers. The Butcher, myself, other special forces and CIA guys, and then those Pakistani intel guys wanted a cut as well. Anytime a plane load of cash would come in, it would be hell to pay to divide it up.
Media Puppet: What was your preferred method?
Michael Vickers: Well, we’d usually end up sword fighting for it. That seemed to be the best way.
Media Puppet: Sword fighting?
Michael Vickers: Yeah, I won’t go into the lewd details, but you can imagine.
Media Puppet (eyes get super wide): Yes I can, and I will (smiles)
Michael Vickers: You know what my favorite thing to do with all that ill-gotten cash was?
Media Puppet (salivating): What’s that?
Michael Vickers: Sometimes I’d just roll around in piles of it, naked, of course. Talk about ecstasy.
Media Puppet (eyebrows raised): Moving on. Let’s get into your roles at the DOD under Bush Sr. You worked for the Center for Strategic and Budgetary Assessments and advised the president on the Iraq war of the early 90s. May I inquire as to your advice you gave for that war effort?
Michael Vickers: That was a dark time for me, actually. I thought we were way to easy on those ragheads and should have occupied the country then like we are today. No mercy! Bush really disappointed me. I thought he was up to my level of brutality, but he was too worried about his upcoming election and backed out like the big pussy he is.
Media Puppet: Fascinating. Do you ever find it ironic that today the death cult known as the US military is fighting some of the same elements you were involved in training way back in the 1980s?
Michael Vickers: Ironic! Hell no, more like profitable. I’m a director at BAE now, ya know.
Media Puppet: One of the largest military contractors, in order to pay you off for services rendered while in government.
Michael Vickers (pompously fluffing collar of shirt and grinning): That’s right.
Media Puppet: Another highlight of your career was your involvement with the Project For A New American Century. What exactly was your role in that group?
Michael Vickers: I was one of the key tacticians who helped convince the stuffy political types of the group that a new Pearl Harbor was not only possible, but could be a lot of fun, too.
Media Puppet: Fun?
Michael Vickers: Yeah, blowing up buildings is fun. (confused) Have you never blown up a building?
Media Puppet: Can’t say that I have.
Michael Vickers: Not that I respected you before, but damn, you’re lower than a cockroach in my eyes now.
Media Puppet (offended, sticks finger in Vickers face): If it weren’t for us working round the clock to brainwash the entire population, guys like you would find it much harder to have your little murderous campaigns overseas.
Michael Vickers (punches Media Puppet in the nose) Damn egotistical pansy, I’m outta here.
Media Puppet (crying, nose bleeding): Damn bullies!
Learn about the real Michael G Vickers @
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_G._Vickers
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operation_Cyclone
Project For A New American Century "Rebuilding America's Defenses" PDF link
http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/pdf/RebuildingAmericasDefenses.pdf
