Fear.
That emotion has become quite familiar by now. The racing of my heart, the freezing cold that seems to paralyze my arms. Why does it have to be the strongest feeling? If I have to be punished with emotions, why can’t it be nice, warm emotions?
I pull the blanket Lucifer had given me tighter around my shivering body. He had brought me to the outskirts of the town, into an apartment that seems to be his. Or at least he knows where everything is.
Lucifer comes out of the kitchen, he’s carrying two cups of which he offers me one. I take it but don’t drink any of the liquid. I’m just trying to soak in the warmth.
”How are you feeling?” He asks me. It’s weird, the doctor asked me the same question but in a whole different tone. It had been a cold, calculating question. But Lucifer? He seems to be honestly worried about me. So how am I feeling?
”Mostly cold”, I say. ”I feel like I can’t stop shaking. Every time I close my eyes I … I … all that blood …” Violent sobbing interrupts my words. Tears pour out of my eyes and snot out of my nose. How demeaning! Lucifer must think I’m so weak, he will surely kick me out again! And then the police will find me and send me to prison and kill me in the most horrible way!
Lucifer moves closer to me on the couch, wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me close.
”There, there”, he says. *”It’s all going to be alright.
His touch disgusts me but at the same time, it feels very, very comforting. Slowly, the sobs stop. I move my hand through my hair and then let it rest on the back of my head. Breathe.
”What am I supposed to do now?” I finally manage to ask. ”They are surely looking for me now. I killed …”, my voice breaks. Damn emotions. ”I killed the doctor.”
”Yes, you did and yes, they will be looking for you”, Lucifer confirms. ”But they won’t find you here, I promise. We can protect you.” I turn my head around to stare at him in bewilderment.
”Who is we?!”
”I shouldn’t have told you yet.” He seems slightly embarrassed. ”You were supposed to find out bit by bit so it wouldn’t overwhelm you.”
”Well, I think it’s a little bit late for that, isn’t it?” Hey, this emotion is warm, almost hot. It sits in my chest and tries to make its way up my throat, giving my voice a sharp tone. Is this anger? Might be. Lucifer seems to notice it too. The fact that he seems to like it adds to my irritation.
”If you think you’re ready, I can introduce you to the crowd, sure. But maybe we should begin with the Doc. Just let me give her a call.”
He walks up to the phone mounted on the wall.
”Stop!” I call out. ”Are you mad? All calls are monitored by the telephone agency!” Lucifer just grins.
”This phone is only connected to the other phone in this house. There are eight apartments and they all share a single, in-house phone line. So don’t worry.” He dials three digits and waits a moment. ”Yeah, she’s ready. Can you come up?” The person on the other line obviously gave a positive answer because Lucifer hangs up the phone and comes back to me.
”She’ll be here in a moment.”
He barely finished his sentence when the door is pushed open and the tallest woman I’ve ever seen struts into the apartment. She’s almost 2 meters tall without heels but clearly doesn’t care about that. Her heels cause her to almost bang her head on the doorway.
”Now who do we have here?” She asks with a big smile, comes towards me and pulls me up from the couch into a hug. Her untamable red locks are everywhere and tickle my nose so I have to sneeze. She just pulls away and laughs.
”Welcome to the family of actual humans”, she says. ”I’m Eir but you can call me Doc if you want. Most do that.”
”Eir? That’s a weird name.”
”It’s not the name that my parents gave me if that’s what you’re wondering. That name was just boring and bland. I dropped it as soon as I got my emotions back. You know who Eir is?” I shake my head. ”She’s a Norse healing goddess.”
It makes sense, considering she seems to be a doctor. For the first time, it strikes me that Lucifer might not be the true name of this man either.
Eir bends over so that her face is directly in front of mine. Her eyes stare deep into my soul. A prickling sensation warms my stomach.
”Do you remember what exactly happened in that hospital, my dear? What you did to the doctor?”
Her question hits me like a truck. Lucifer told her.
”N … no”, I stutter. ”I only remember fragments. There are things missing.” Eir nods.
”Are you feeling afraid? Like something bad might happen any moment?”
”I guess? I mean, feelings are pretty new to me.”
”Yes, I could have worded this better. Anyway, you will need to swallow these.”
There are pills in her hand and I have no idea where she got them from. They seem to have just appeared out of nowhere. I give them a skeptical look.
”Why?”
”Because we don’t want you suffering from PTSD.”
”From what?”
”Post-traumatic stress disorder. It’s been a lot more frequent before people were chemically lobotomized right after birth. It’s the brain’s reaction to a traumatic event. And you have had two of those! First regaining your emotions, which is a shock for all of us, and then that incident with that nasty doctor. It’d be a miracle if you’d get through this without any mental damage! And it seems in fact like you are already experiencing the first effects. Take the pills so it doesn’t get worse.”
”Are you sure pills will fix this?” I ask.
”Of course not. But they will help. The research for an anti-PTSD pill was still in its beginnings when the big change happened but there were some pharmaceuticals that could decrease the effects of the trauma. And you really need that. I don’t want to see you dangling from the ceiling in a week because you became so depressed and anxious that you chose to kill yourself. So please, take the pills.”
Her worries seem to be a bit extreme but I still follow her request, swallow the pills and flush them down with a glass of water Lucifer helpfully offers.
”And now?” I ask.
”Now we will make sure to give you a lot of emotional support and warmth”, Eir says and grins. ”Nothing better to cope with emotional trauma than support from wonderful people. And as a side effect, you’ll learn to cope with your new found emotions.”
”Aha.” I’m not really convinced by her enthusiasm. ”And when I’m PTSD free and emotionally stable?”
”Then”, Lucifer says, ”then you’ll help us bring down God.”
Sources and further Reading:
Management of adults with PTSD part I: background, diagnosis and psychological therapies
Pharmacotherapy as prophylactic treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder
[Symptoms of PTSD]( https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/
Picture taken from pixabay.com
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