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Blood. Blood everywhere. On my hands, my clothes, in my face. So much blood.
I stare at the lifeless body on the floor around which the blood is pooling into a large puddle. Suddenly, the victim turns his head to look me straight in the eye. It’s my father.
”You left the part of logic”, he says. ”You are not worthy to be considered my daughter anymore.”
Then he jumps up and lunges at me, grabbing me by my shoulders.
”You need to die!” He cries while violently shaking me.
”Stop!” I call out in terror. ”Stop, please, I’m sorry, it’s not my fault, please stop! STOP!”
”Wake up. Hey, wake up! It’s okay, it’s just a dream. It’s alright!”
I open my eyes and see Eir sitting on the edge of my bed, her hands placed on my shoulders, lightly shaking me.
Everything is wet. I hope it’s just sweat.
”You were screaming your lungs out in your sleep”, Eir says. ”You woke me up, I was worried that somebody had broken in and was hurting you. Did you have a nightmare?”
”Why would someone break in?” I ask. Crime had been eradicated together with emotions a long time ago. To my disappointment, Eir simply ignores the question. Instead she hands me the glass of water that I had placed on my nightstand before I had gone to bed.
”Drink”, she says. ”It should help you calm down a bit.”
I take the water and take tiny sips. The images from the nightmare are still fresh in my head.
”I dreamt of that day when killed … when I escaped the hospital.” It’s almost impossible for me to think about the incident, let alone talk about it. ”It wasn’t the first time, I’ve had trouble sleeping all week. But this time, my father appeared in it. He tried to kill me.”
Eir pulls me into her arms and starts stroking my head.
”Was your father important to you when you still lived at home?” She asks with a gentle voice.
”I don’t know? Probably? He gave me his genetic material, kept me fed and helped me study the right things so I could pursue the correct career. He fulfilled his assigned purpose. Does that make him important to me?”
”Maybe. You might not have been aware, but there probably were some emotions left while you were growing up. The process of blocking all emotions isn’t as successful as they want us to believe.”
”It isn’t?” I’m slightly taken aback by this revelation. I had always believed that the process was perfect. Then again, how perfect can it be when it’s this easy to permanently reverse everything?
”No, it isn’t perfect”, Eir says. ”It never was and it might never be. The brain is a complex thing, it’s very good at healing itself. That’s why additionally to the chemical methods, they use conditioning to stomp out all emotions. I won’t deny it’s effective, it really is, but there will always be some leftover emotions, especially through early childhood. I suppose those emotions are now slowly coming through and the pain they bring is combined with your recent trauma.”
”That sucks.” I pout.
”Yes, it does. But you will get through this, I promise. Most of us went through it.”
”Only most?”
Suddenly, Eir looks like she wants to bite off her own tongue.
”I meant all of us, of course.”
”No, you didn’t!” I free myself from her embrace and move away from her. ”You clearly said most, that’s not a mistake one just makes. What are you hiding from me?”
”I can’t tell you, not yet. You’re not ready.”
”How am I supposed to ever be ready when you people are constantly leaving me in the dark?” I’m pissed. ”First Lucifer, now you! First, he drags me into this mess, then brings me here and says something ominous about killing God. But when I wanted him to clarify, he just winked and then told you to take me in. He basically threw me out! Without explaining what is going on!”
”I understand that you’re angry, but you need to learn to control this kind of emotional outbreaks.”
”Are you kidding me? I’ve been forced to control my emotions my whole life! Emotions I didn’t even know I had! Your people brought them back to the surface without even asking for my consent and now you are telling me to control my emotional outbreaks? You can’t be serious!”
”Having emotions is not the same as being controlled by them”, Eir points out. The condescending tone of her voice makes me want to punch her. ”That’s why you can’t know everything yet. You need to learn how to handle your emotions first. You’re of no use to us if you’re exactly the thing God and his people warn everyone about.”
”Who is this God you’re talking about? He’s obviously not part of any religion, that primitive kind of worship has ended long ago too.”
”No, he’s human. Kind of. He’s the one behind all of it.”
”What do you mean by that?”
”The emotion blockers. God and his team are the ones who created it and advertised it as the next step in human evolution.”
”But that happened almost 200 years ago!”
”So?”
”It can’t still be the same person.”
”Why not?”
I look at her in complete disbelief. Is she serious?
”Because nobody can live that long!”
”How do you know that?”
”Human life expectancy is about 50 years, everybody knows that. We learn it at school!”
”And who decides what is taught in the schools? Who writes the books?” Eir stands up from my bed and walks towards the door. ”Did you know that people used to live to the age of 70, 80, even 90 and 100 not too long ago?”
She doesn’t give me a chance to answer and instead walks through the door, leaving me alone in the dark once again.
Picture taken from pixabay.com
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