„Ok sir, it's time for the annual report for the year 1883 AD.“ Jim said.
Although having what you and I would call a regular human name, Jim was everything but a human. As a matter of fact, Jim wasn't even his name and he wasn’t a he, nor she; Jim was simply something. The only reason I'm calling him Jim (also the reason why I’m referring to him as a male) is because I need to introduce him somehow as his real name can't be pronounced with the organs we humans have. I'm not even sure if what he has is a name. Anyway, it's a bit complicated so let's just stick with „Jim“. Still, I would be a real dick if I didn't explain where „Jim“ was and also what „Jim“ was (and probably still is).
You see, „Jim“ had (and as I said, probably still has) a steady job in the Department of Information in what’s probably the oldest company in the world. This company has been around for quite some time, in fact, the company has been around for such a long time, nobody even remembers when it was actually founded. Also, his boss wasn’t just any boss; his boss was the Boss, with the capital B. That’s right, Jim’s boss was god and I know, you’re probably thinking I should write god with a capital G, but more about it later, in part 2. (P.S. Don’t skip).
One of many Jim’s jobs was to summarize all the meaningful events that happened in one year and then report to the Boss. Why? Because even god can easily get lost in a bureaucratic mess. And if you’re wondering how to apply for a job like that, the answer is “I don’t know”. If I knew, I probably wouldn’t be worrying if I’ll be able to pay this month’s rent.
“First of all, sir, it looks like humanity has finally installed the first electric lighting system that uses overhead wires. It was invented by a human that goes by the name Thomas Alva Edison.” Jim gave his first report.
God gave the report a thought, fixed his/her/its oversized glasses and joyfully said: “So my beloved humans have finally figured it out, although I must say, I am a bit disappointed. It’s not like I haven’t told them “Let there be light” millennia ago. You know, when I first said the line, I didn’t mean it as a statement; “Let there be light” and puff, the sun appears, job well done, and we can all go home. I meant it more as a hint: “Humans! Let there be light!” - I can’t have the sun on both sides at the same time. I mean, you always have to go in hard details with these people. You tell them to love each other, but the second you turn your head the other way, they start slaughtering each other. I am god but I can’t…”
“Eh, sir, sir, I apologize for interrupting, but can we continue with the annual report? I need to go home. You see, my wife and I are celebrating our 3000th anniversary so it’s kind of a big thing for me.” Jim said in a respective voice.
“Ahhh, yes. How is Linda these days?” God asked. (WRITER’S NOTE: Of course, god didn’t actually use the name “Linda”. Again, it’s for the descriptional purpose.)
“Fine sir, can we please continue?”
“Sure, sure. Carry on.” God gave the command in a strict, but nonchalant fashion. Something only a god could pull off.
Jim continued: “They also managed to liquefy oxygen for the first time and the world’s first rodeo has been held in Texas, USA.”
“Well, that’s not too interesting. I’ve been creating oxygen for millennia you know. Who do you think taught the plants how to do it? All you need is a bit of carbon dioxide, a splash of water, a bit sunbathing and that’s it. When it comes to liquefying, it’s nothing more than a simple…”
“Sir, my wife, she’ll be mad if I don’t get home on time. Allow me to give you the influential deaths recap.” Jim pleaded in a desperate, but calm and polite way. Something only a subordinate could pull off.
“All right, who’s joining the ranks?” God asked.
“Current souls waiting to be accepted in the afterlife until a new story is assigned to them are the souls of Richard Wagner, Karl Marx, and Quagga amongst many others.” Jim reported.
“Quagga? Who the hell… I mean, who the heaven is Quagga?” God asked.
“Well, it’s not actually a person, but an animal humans have brought to extinction this year. Do you remember when you gave the initial zebra and horse blueprints to the design team, but Peter who at that time just started working as a junior designer mixed the blueprints? So we ended up with an animal that was something between those two? You were initially mad, but later you thought the animal was kind of cute so you approved it.”
“Now I remember! Whatever happened to Peter by the way?”
“Last thing I know he moved to the Border Security Department. He has some friends on the other side so this was a great opportunity for him to spend more time with them. He was never a good designer anyway.” Jim answered and continued with the influential births recap – “As for the influential souls that have returned to Earth to start a new story, some of them are: Aleksey Nikolayevich Tolstoy, Franz Kafka, Benito Mussolini, Gabrielle Bonheur "Coco" Chanel …”
God let his/her/its thoughts dance a little and then asked: “Tolstoy, that’s the guy who will write that novel filled with train symbolism? You know, the one where that crazy lady at the end of the novel jumps… sorry, I don’t want to spoil it for you.”
“That’s fine sir, I already read it and no; you’re talking about Leo Tolstoy and he’s currently down there writing his last novel. Aleksey Tolstoy is a writer who’ll specialize in SF and historical novels. Franz Kafka is the guy who’ll write about bugs and the incompetence of human society. Coco Chanel will become a fashion designer and one of the most influential humans in the entire history, and Benito Mussolini will grow up to become as humans like to put it, a dick.” Jim gave the recap while nervously tapping the floor with his right foot.
“Jesus Christ Jim, take it easy! You need to realize it gets hard to put all of this together when you know everything: the past, the present, and the future. Add countless parallel universes and I’d like to see you try handling all of this. For your information, do you know that this Benito Mussolini you like to call a dick, in another universe invents the washing machine? He’s actually a pretty cool guy there. No fascism and all that exterminate a group of people as if they were quaggas stuff; just good old washing machines. They are pretty good actually and at one point I was thinking of buying a Benito myself.” God took a big breath, fixed his/hers/its oversized glasses once again and asked: “Anything else to report?”
“Well yes sir, but this one is kind of inappropriate… Especially taking into consideration you are god and all. It actually happened last year, but it went under the radar so I thought it will be forgotten. But this certain human did it again this year and it blew up big time.” With every word Jim spoke, his voice became shakier.
“Speak!”
Jim had no other choice: ”You see, just this year a certain human that goes by the name of Friedrich Nietzsche published his book titled Thus Spoke Zarathustra. And in this book, well… in this book, he wrote a certain sentence that caused outrage with many humans and it will most likely make you angry as well.” Em, you see, how do I put it…”
“Yes???!!”
Jim looked up at god, then down, then back up: “In this book, he wrote “GOD IS DEAD”. Not only did he use the sentence in his book, but he’s writing it all over the place and he’s making sure everyone knows he wrote it by signing his name under it. Everywhere you go you can see “GOD IS DEAD” - SIGNED: FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE”…
Jim stopped for a second and then continued: “Actually, it’s probably not that bad when you give it a second thought. I mean, you do know the past, the present, the future, and all that parallel universes stuff. So you must have already known this, right? It’s not that big of a deal when you consider all…”
What followed next might surprise many readers. Although god truly is all-knowing, you have to remember he did create humans in his own image, meaning what we have, to a certain extent, god has as well. Where do you think things like jealousy, compassion, rage, intelligence and the key ingredient for this story part, forgetfulness, came from?
“WHAT DID HE WRITE? HE WROTE I WAS DEAD????!!!!!”