Oh, Ivana, "there's often a slip between the cup and the lip", says an old proverb. The same is true with relationships, dreams, wishes and ambitions. Oftentimes what one thinks comes out differently. Things are not what they seem.
"Siguro, it may be right..." Ivana tries to find out how she could reconcile her heart with her reason. Oftentimes. Another year has passed again.
Marcus must be sleeping now or maybe he's outside, socializing or amusing himself with somebody he feels would cope with his virility, or maybe indulging in one of his vices. A multiple choice of truth or consequence preoccupies her as she sits thinking of him and missing him at the same time. She knows him and his weaknesses. They are all familiar to her.
If you love somebody, set him free. If he's yours, he'll come back to you. If not, he was never yours to keep.
"Tthis seems old-fashioned I think", she feels helpless, confronted with these junk words to console her ego. Any comforting thoughts, silly it may seem would appease her everytime her feelings intimidate her.
She heard all sort of stories about him, caught him in his pleasure mingling with young women and heeding to his vices. No-risk, no-fun attitude. His fondness for gambling, women and song is not unfamiliar to her.
"Are you sure you can carry this cross?" Ivana asks herself over and over again.
But, thinking about the wondrous moment of togetherness, she now sees him appear before her like a vision fleeting, an angel pure and clear. His charming smile, his laughing eyes, his soft voice and naturalness. Only the beauty of his being matters at the moment.
This compensates the hopelessness for the present and rationalizes the waste of time thinking about him. She knows too, that the panacea to this vague relationships lies in her reason.
"Ivana, be true to yourself, it makes no sense to find answers to the self-imposed questions you ask yourself. You alone know the answers to them", her reason tells her.
"Right or wrong, please be patient with me for a little while", her heart pleads.
"What makes you think he feels the same?" Ivana asked herself. "I don't know, I'm not sure, maybe..." she answered herself.
"You are dreaming of the impossible, playing your feelings at high stakes, why not just let him go?" She knew the answer to this question.
She just can't help but care for him, his weaknesses, his broken promises and his antics. His over-confidence about his sovereignty over her feelings seems to blind her.
"Take care Ivana", he often writes her. "I will Marcus", she answers. No strings attached to his standard phrase? Nothing spectacular to read between the lines. Just like saying hello and goodbye, for greetings sake.
Why expect for more, if there is nothing to build on for his part? Another affair wouldn't make any difference for him, he is calloused by broken relationships and duty to his family. He has only his freedom to cope with the burdens he has to carry.
This is a fair comment on his attitude about the whole matter. It is up to Ivana to dismiss her thoughts about him. After all the years being responsible for himself and his turbulent life, she presumes he stands sovereign over his ambitions and emotions as well.
Hitting him at his Achilles heel is an obsession for Ivana. Not as revenge or resignation, but more of self-preservation. She fears his seeming victorious over her emotions. The thought that he may just be playing games with her heart, hurts her so much.
Promptly, in the middle of the hopeless boredom surrounding the wordly commotion, she hears his tender voice keep sounding, in her dreams appears his lovable being.
And as he sings, Ivana, my dream, glory of my soul!), she awakes from her dream.
Would time help her forget the old dreams, forget how tender his voice has sounded, forget his image once dear to her?
Previous Chapters
Prologue / Chapter I / Chapter II
To be continued...
Image Source - teklic