The Popular Depression is a book I wrote in my first year of college.
It was inspired by a cigarette pack on a coffee table that I noticed at a house party.
My eyes were drawn to the Health Canada warning on the box of cigarettes.
I think the statistic about tobacco-related deaths was supposed to be the scary one. But, for some reason, I was more alarmed by the fact more people died by killing themselves than by getting into car accidents.
I never did anything with the book I wrote. Looking back, some of the amateurish writing makes me cringe. But, the concept behind The Popular Depression is an important theme for us to think about.
Here is the thirty-first (and final) chapter from The Popular Depression.
Chapter 31
Todd Agnew’s, Grace Like Rain is the only sound that is heard throughout the filled-to-capacity church.
A school photo of Ethan is projected on the main screen.
Relatives of the Tate family have flown in from across the country for the somber occasion.
Nearly every single student from Catholic Central is in attendance.
Everyone is in disbelief and one question looms in their mind, “How could this have happened?”
It is all: imperfect.
In the front row sit Diane, Cindy and Liberty.
Diane is pale. Beside her sits a pile of tissues that have soaked up her tears. She stares right at the picture of her son. She asks herself countless questions. She feels as though her son’s death is somehow her fault. She wishes she could fix the brokenness. Her world has come crashing down.
Cindy can not stop crying. She can’t even look at the picture of her brother that is projected because it hurts too much. She feels like her brother’s death is somehow her fault. She wonders why he left her. She wishes she could bring him back.
Liberty is silent. Tears run softly down her cheeks. She wipes them off and sniffles quietly. Her head is down and she stares at the floor. She thinks about the moments with Ethan. She feels like his death is completely her fault. She understands that she will never be the same again.
After Grace Like Rain concludes, the pastor makes his way to the front of the auditorium. The old man’s face is shaken up. Tears roll down his cheek. He wipes them away and tries to stay strong.
He adjusts the microphone, looks up at the congregation and begins to speak.
“Today we celebrate the life of Ethan Tate. No one could have foreseen this day coming. Ethan was a brilliant young man who had all the potential in the world. He made efforts to be friends with everyone who crossed his path. He loved to no end. He was a competitor at heart, but always played fair. He was a good student and a talented athlete. He was a caring son and a model big brother. He was the light of the room. He was compassionate. He was respectful to his elders. He was a dreamer who didn’t take anyone’s word for granted. He stood up for what he believed in, no matter what the circumstance. Ethan Tate was one of the most amazing people that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.
“In tragic times like these, it is often our first inclination to ask, ‘Why?’ Why did Ethan feel like life was no longer worth living? Why did this bright young man, who had so much going for himself, feel that he needed to end his own life? Why didn’t he show any warning, ask for help, or tell anybody about his misery?
“We may never know the truth to these answers. We could spend an entire lifetime trying to figure it out, but we may never realize the entire reason that Ethan called it quits at such a young age.
“God tells us that our lives are a gift. He instructs us to live to our full potential, and to never give in. God didn’t want Ethan to end it all so soon. God would have rather seen Ethan live a full and happy life. But dear friends, there is one thing I am certain of, God forgives. Grace has paid the bill. I know in my heart, that Ethan Tate is smiling down on us from Heaven in this very moment.
“Dear friends, let us not leave here today empty-handed. Let us not simply shake our head at another tragedy and then forget about it. If Ethan were here today, I’m sure that he’d encourage each and every one of us to push on and never give up. God has given us the gift of life. God has given us the gift of love. I know from the very depths of my soul that God wants each and every one of us to live our lives to our full potential.
“I know that all of your hearts will never let the memory of Ethan go, so I encourage you to do this. In the times that you feel sad, in the times you have agony in your life and you wonder if life is worth the living, in those times, remember Ethan Tate. Remember how much you wished that Ethan could have gotten through those times. Then, push on and don’t give in. Don’t let negative thoughts dictate how long your time is on Earth. Let’s all finish this marathon called life, in memory of Ethan Tate.”
Pastor Hendrik steps down from the podium and walks to his seat. Sobbing is the only sound that can be heard throughout the church.
Jared Winston sits with his mother in the crowd. The tears haven’t stopped since he heard the news about Ethan. He feels as though he is the one to blame for Ethan’s death. He regrets everything he ever did to back-stab Ethan.
Jared remembers hearing the news from Diane herself. She then gave him Ethan’s favourite basketball, which Ethan requested be given to Jared. Along with the basketball, a few words from Ethan, “I forgive you. I hope you can forgive me.”
Sid Lawson and Pedro Gomer sit together in silence. They feel like they are solely responsible for Ethan’s suicide. They didn’t understand what Ethan was really like, they just stereotyped him and assumed that he was another popular jerk. They regret ever writing the note that framed Ethan.
Rachel Turner sits towards the back of the congregation by herself. She feels completely guilty and blames herself. She wishes that she didn’t push Ethan into having sex so soon. She also wishes that she didn't go behind his back by sleeping with TJ.
TJ sits in the front half of the church. He has felt sick to his stomach ever since he heard the news about Ethan. He feels like this is his fault. He tells himself that he didn’t do enough to help Ethan through depressing times. He wishes that he would’ve been a better friend. He also wishes that he wouldn’t have slept with Rachel when he knew that Ethan was doing the same.
Vincent stands at the back of the church. He listened to the pastor's words carefully. The message got through to him. He wears sunglasses so that people can not see his tear-swollen eyes. He notices Ethan’s mom walking to the front of the church. Just before she gets to the podium, he reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a recently purchased baggie of cocaine. He tosses it into the garbage can. Through the tears, Vincent gives a subtle smile and silently says, “Thanks Tate.”
Diane gets to the front of the church. She tries to be strong but loud sobbing is her natural reaction. Finally she pulls herself together and forces words through the tears.
“Ethan meant the world to me.”
Diane stops. Her voice is shaky and the words seem impossible to say.
“I can’t even begin to say how much I’ll miss my son, he was everything a mother could’ve dreamed for. He loved everyone so much.”
Diane stops again, clears her throat, wipes away the tears that blur her vision and looks up at the congregation.
"If anybody feels guilty, or that your actions somehow contributed to Ethan's decision, I want you to let go of that guilt. It's not your fault. Ethan was an incredible human who had a momentary lapse of judgement. Unfortunately, that poor decision cost him his life. If he was here today, I know that he'd be the first to admit that this was a mistake. And I also know that my son would walk up to each and every one of you, smile, and give you a hug."
Diane pauses, wipes a tear off of her cheek, and looks up at the photo of her son.
"I love you, son. You will always mean the world to me."
In Diane's pocket is the letter Ethan left behind.
“I’m sorry.
I’m sorry mom. I’m sorry Cindy. I’m sorry Liberty. To everyone: I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I have decided to take my own life. But I couldn’t keep causing you pain. The reason I am ending it all is because I have come to realize that all along it’s been my fault. Don’t anybody for one second think that I killed myself because of them. It’s because of me. I have messed up over and over and amazing people in my life somehow keep finding ways to forgive me.
Mom, you are the most amazing person I have ever met. You’re not only my mom, but you’re also my best-friend. You’ve done such an amazing job raising both me and Cindy. Dad is so proud of you, mom, I know he is. I can’t understand how you have so much love for me. I messed up so many times. I dragged our family down time and time again. I hurt you and walked away. But you kept loving me. No matter what, you kept loving me. I’m scared that if I keep going on I might get into cocaine again. I can’t do that to you, you mean too much. I’m so sorry that I’m leaving you but I’m worried that I might keep falling into the same trap and make things worse for everyone. I hope someday you’ll be able to forgive me for this.
Cindy, you are the best little sister that I could’ve ever hoped for. You care so much about other people, and every single time I look in your eyes, I see so much potential. You are going to do amazing things, Cindy, I am sure of it. I’m sorry for all the mistakes that you had to watch me make. I messed up a lot, Cindy, and I hope that you are able to avoid a lot of the things that I got involved in. I love you so much and I don’t want you to ever give up. Always stand up for what you believe in. If you make a mistake, don’t stress out about it, just move on and live life with every ounce of energy that you have.
Liberty, I love you more than words could ever say. I’m so sorry that I am doing this, but you need to know that this is not your fault. You have been my everything, Liberty. You have done everything you can just to make me happy. I can’t believe that a girl, as amazing as you, actually loves me back. I know you’re going to go on and live an amazing life. I can’t express in any word or phrase how thankful I am to have had you in my life. I hope you’ll somehow understand that I did this so I can stop hurting you. You don’t deserve the heartache that I have brought you. I hope that your life is full of everything good. I hope your dreams come true, and your heart is never broken again. I hope you love to no end, and never hold back from being the amazing person who you truly are.
To everyone else I am sorry. I hope that in time you all can forgive me."
Meanwhile, somebody, somewhere, makes fun of someone else’s life because they hate their own.
And meanwhile, somebody, somewhere, is getting picked on, and can’t help but envy the one who picks on them, because they seem to have it all.
And meanwhile, somebody, somewhere, doesn’t realize they are being envied. Instead, they slit their wrists, watch the blood seep from the cuts, and secretly wish they were anyone else but themselves.
And meanwhile, somebody, somewhere, cries unstoppable tears of agony, because they failed to envision such a popular depression.
Previous Chapters:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30