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I printed the call up letter and Ogun state it was. My apprehension had turned to elation. It was my first choice of the many states we were required to select.
I got home and started packing my already ironed kits and other wherewithal into a traveling bag. I was gonna leave in 3weeks.
I wanted to leave soon but I noticed a day was now equivalent to 48hours. The thing was so very slow.
The D-day finally came and I bade my family goodbye for another 3 weeks. I was on the road in two. Akwa Ibom to Ogun isn't a stone's throw. My buttocks were almost fried. We got to Sagamu orientation camp around 7pm. After a thorough check at the gate, we got a pass.
Ogun state camp is massive. Great work by the state government. But orientation wasn't gonna be as great as the camp presented itself.
The camp was already getting on my good side.
After all the documentation, we were directed to our hostels. I went for the upper bunk before someone will allow the devil to use him at night to pee on me only to come down and apologise after I'd gulped down a litre of nitrates already.
I slept very late that night and woke up the next morning for the second phase of registration. That kinda sleep sef. At the platoon desk, I was handed a packet of Khakis I think was meant for my mum because the size was ridiculous. Who am I to argue? I wanted to serve.
Next was the time table of activities. It was here it dawned on me that I should have gone for Maritime Academy when I had the chance. I had instant migraine. The regimental culture. It was too much for one boy to bear. And these guys meant business. Sleeping for 2hours at night was where I needed to get back home or we die here.
In life, there are people that are just there to frustrate the little life you're managing and these were my hostel boys. They don't sleep until light's out by 12am. They'll be buzzing like wasps and bees. Misanthropic people!
Immediately I plugged my earpiece to sleep, army whistle blared.
Eh! It's 3:30am already? I just felt like disappearing. Take anything from me but not my sleep and ideas.
These people that went for orientation before now never told me this. They were making it look like it's all rosy with their daily fine pictures online. God will not forgive them sha.
Morning devotion and Parade 4am till 7am
Breakfast 7:30 to 8
SAED lectures 8:30 to 2:30pm
Lunch 2:30 to 3
Siesta 3:00 to 4:00pm
Evening parade 4pm to 6:30
Corpers fellowship 6:30 to 9pm
How do you expect a warm blooded animal to leave bed by 3:30am during harmattan. Like harmattan in the South West ooo. That one is death now. Before you get back to queue for food, it's already time for Skills Acquisition and Entrepreneurial Development lectures. This one annoys me more than life without subscription and light. A very boring activity. Oh my! Boys and girls will be sleeping like refugees behind the lecture venue. How can I blame them? No good sleep at night na.
When they finally drew their lectures to a close, before you get to the kitchen and finally get your ration, it has encroached deep into your Siesta time. Brother, just wait for the next whistle for evening parade. Don't waste your time with sleep. You'll be punishing your system. When you get back from fellowship by 9pm, you've missed dinner already and those boys won't allow you rest your troubled head with their sports, politics and girls' gists.
It continued like this for a week. I had lost weight!! I was now referred to as 'I knew him to be a fair guy'.
I did suffer!
One day, I don't know what I was thinking when I asked a friend to take me some shots. I needed to upload some pictures on my social media handle.
Three hours later, my mum called!!
"BBoy, what's wrong? Are you okay? Were you sick? Are they starving you guys? Why are you looking so frail and thin? If they'll allow you, please come back, please."
I was so lost. Like she didn't even allow me to say a word in between. I was still thinking about what she has seen when my sister got the phone and started laughing hard. Her own mocking was on another level. It was then I knew she'd shown my mum the pictures I uploaded. I've been burnt!
It so dawned on me that I was now a scarecrow. A fried meat without oil.
That evening dad did his own probing. I expected it. I eventually scaled that fence.
I needed to do something, and fast!!
We were up for games the following week and a perfect opportunity just presented itself. It was now or never. I was in the platoon team.
Anybody in the platoon team is exempted from parades only. You'll still have to wake up by 3:30am. That was my main problem. Sports couldn't solve that.
So I needed to act fast.
On the second day of our training, I was still thinking of what to do when the idea clicked. But I needed it to be legit. In the course of the training, I got into a slight challenge with a team mate and immediately I snapped, got on the floor, screamed and feigning writhing pains. That was the beginning of my prank. Everybody gathered and the sorry poured in in quanta. I was able to fool the first set of witnesses.
It was knee cap dislocation that never was. That is how training stopped for the day.
My best friend took me back to the hostel. I dodged the clinic that night before I'll be caught.
I got back to the hostel and everyone gathered around my bunk with empathy. I was feeling like Nelson Mandela. In the middle of the night, I stood up stealthily and reached for my balm, rubbed a handful on the knee to make it look shiny and swollen like a real dislocation.
I went back to bed and quietly covered myself up.
Uniuyo taught me well!
3:30am. The soldiers blew their whistle again and people ran helter skelter trying to catch up with the line. Then the soldiers came in for routine check to catch malingering corpers. I was still in bed when one of them came over to my bedside and queried me. I showed him my swollen knee and he empathised with me. Yes! They were the real people I was targeting and I got them. The balm did a good job.
Next morning, I pretentiously hopped down to the kitchen for breakfast while others were still at the parade ground. I had no one to struggle with. No line, nothing. I hopped back to the hostel when I had collected my food, ate without rush and got in to bed. An hour later, it was time for the lectures. The soldiers came at us as usual but I was excused. This was supposed to be my life from Day one. Free.
After the siege, I came down from my bed and headed for the Mammy market. I needed a bandage too, to spice things up. I jaywalked to a shed were clinical kits were sold. The woman out of sympathy for my 'pitiable' state almost gave me the bandage without cost. She offered to help wrap me up and I screamed in an effort to make everything look authentic and that's how I sold myself out.
My shout attracted the Red Cross Commandant who was few shops away. He came around and introduced himself and my heart skipped. Mogbe! I don enter one chance!
After he had inspected the knee, he crouched and offered to wrap the bandage around my knee after a Q&A session on what happened to me.
Oops!! I'll be shouting occasionally when he touches the 'wrong' parts of my knee. He couldn't concentrate because of the market women who came around to sympathise with a poor boy. He helped me down to the Red Cross booth. That's where I bought the bigger job.
Bros kept me on the floor, went inside, came out after few minutes with a bag of ice blocks and Aboniki balm in both hands. We went down to real business.
I cried through the therapy. That's the day I placed Aboniki just a little below the angels. It's spiritual. My demon inside me was laughing.
I thought I was free to get back to the hostel only to be told to go and present myself to the chief priests (doctors) at the sick bay for final vetting.
The good dude helped me down to bay and I walked in alone.
A beautiful doctor came towards me with curiosity written all over her face. We exchanged greetings and I told her everything. At this point I was told, the bay was out of drugs except tramadol which I'll be given intramuscularly.
For me, IM wasn't an option at all. I can't remember the last time I presented my buttocks to someone for injection. Sister, It's either IV or oral. We argued and she gave me her reasons why the IV isn't an option here. I'm a Pharmacist, I'm used to IVs na. We dragged till other doctors joined in persuading me but I stood my ground. In my mind, Samuel, did you have to go this far to the point of injection? Me: I didn't know it'll get this far. I'm paying for it already.
After an hour of persuasion, they settled for my IV. The way those guys begged me I sensed something might be wrong with taking that particular formula intravenously. But I still wanted to see what was ahead.
An improvised IV rope was brought, the skin surface disinfected and this is where I bought the biggest job.
Brothers and sisters, immediately the needle was plunged into my prominent vein, I heard legions of demons calling my name out of deep darkness. Next second it was total black out. The earth was without form and void. What happened afterwards, I don't know. I can't say.
I regained consciousness around 9pm at night since 11am. I woke up with a blurry vision to see the female doctor who had administered the injection siting beside me stroking my hair and my roommates sitting on the bed opposite mine. The explanation I got from the lady said I slumped out of the chair immediately I got the injection. I can imagine why she was siting beside me. Her Hippocratic oath would've been revoked. I felt for her. It was my fault sha.
She insisted I sleep over but I was strong enough to get back to the hostel. She gave me an exemption card. I was exempted from all stressful camp activities.That was the goal.
Hallelujah!! That's how Jesus answered my prayer.
Now, I was sleeping in bed all day when others were running left, right and centre. From one lecture to parade and all that. Is God not wonderful? I was finally free. It felt like home. I had succeeded in fooling everybody now. My team. My friends. The soldiers. The doctors though I almost died. I got my exemption card.
Who was next? I searched all over, couldn't find nobody... Nobody greater.
My friends volunteered to get food for me everyday at the kitchen. Simply put, I was pampered. The doctor wanted to see me often. Tell her not to bother, I'm fine. I've gotten the card.
It was fun. I now had time to wash, sleep enough and walk around with my one and a half leg.
The only thing that got me a little worried was where I'll be posted to for primary assignment. In all, it went well. Ogun camp was fun.
If you ain't smart, Nigeria will kill you and youths will still be obeying the clarion call when you're gone.