The meaning of life
When I read or participate in discussions, on politics, feminism, star wars (lol) ... sometimes the phrase "I do not explain it to you because you will not understand it". And I think "but there are many things that I understand even if I do not agree with them!"
With the boy I'm dating, there are many things that I understand but that I can not feel. And at the moment we work and we are happy, and maybe one day the differences get in the way and it does not work anymore.
Life is full of "maybe" .
Sometimes, I wondered if loving someone so different in certain ideas made sense . Sometimes, I still wonder ...
I was with guys who had the same ideas as me about relationships, but with whom I was not half as happy as with him . Not because of evil, I do not want to split them. I like most of them. They were not happy with me either. We simply did not contribute as much as we thought. We do not take as much care as we would have liked. We did not understand or want as it seemed at the beginning.
He did that sense ?
I am realizing that life does NOT make sense. Our obsession with finding meaning in things is what makes it difficult for us to be happy.
Life is an accident, and whatever we think we are looking for will not stop us from dying. Nothing is going to change that, there is no transcendental sense that we have to find , because equally we will die. So what important thing do we think we are always looking for? Maybe we can only be happy if we stop looking and start to savor?
Amazing, we are not so hard with anyone but us.
I fight to take care of myself and think of me. I read opposite opinions to mine, I read about relational anarchism. And I know that many things I have been able to assimilate, but others keep waking up lots of insecurities.
It does not matter if I can rationalize and reason, I can not feel them. I drown in my fears of losing, of lack of love and of changes. I cling to my expectations and my dreams. I need something lasting with all my energy.
I try to take a deep breath and lean on Lily, the fighter who saves me so many times from the monsters. I try to think of "sustained" instead of lasting, because while people and things contribute positive things (bad things can be positive) and make me happy, everything is sustained. (Ostia, if life goes on balance, like the Force! Wing, if I have solved the mystery.)
Things collapse when there is no respect, understanding, or happiness. So….
Deep breath…. And I try to taste, despite my fears ...