She is my inspiration and has been forever, regardless that she passed away seven years ago. I still think about her daily and, I guess, I always will! I'm about to pre-launch a book that I published on behalf of the blog we wrote together during the entire cancer process. I'm not trying to plug the book as I haven't mentioned the title. The whole process is just surreal to me. I've held the book in my hands. The book my Ma and I created.
I've been working on the website which means reviewing images that I have of her. That is a whole other process. It's really amazing and frightening mixed all together.
I think what affected me the most was the fact that my mom was there when I took my first breath and I was there when she took her last. That is a positively precious moment that will live on as long as my memory will allow it!
I'm a little nervous to launch this book because I feel a lot of pressure to make sure it succeeds because my mother was a part of it, and she never thought she had any talent. Regardless, that she used to sew clothes for four children. One child was me, I was the youngest. And there was Michelle who was six months older than me. Emily was his second child; Jimmy his third. We all had some strange issues probably due to the situation of him being a drunk promiscuous asshole that enjoyed fucking anyone that would spread their legs (and some that wouldn't). He would then come home to beat on my mother while she cared for his three children. He has thrown her down the steps. He has choked her. He has kicked her. He has humiliated her in private and in public.
This was so many years ago that I claim to have forgiven and moved on for my own sake. However, I find that when I am typing this, I am angered deeply! I have some rage brewing in me.
I thought I saw him many years ago in a restaurant, since being an adult, and I had a complete panic attack. I had to leave the restaurant and they called EMS. In my previous mind, I would be able to walk up to him and dare him to touch me ever again. He would try and I would drop kick him in the throat and he would die. That was the little fantasy I had, but it didn't turn out that way. I don't know if it was really him in that restaurant or not, but the end result wasn't anything that I had imagined would happen upon running into him ever again!
I've lived my entire life for her . . . my Ma, and still do!