My dream job would be writing fortunes for fortune cookies. Here are some examples that I came up with. I like to sit, close my eyes, and imagine being at a nice Chinese restaurant and receiving one of these fortunes.
Stay off of my poo sprayed shoes.
You will choke to death on a Hotwheel. Your lucky numbers are 3, 42, 18, 7, and 5.
Everybody hates a loser.
Shup up or shutotop out.
Live life three to four days at a time every other week.
Some days you're the pooper. Some days you're the poo.
You are alone in the universe.
You will carress a virulent dog.
Please succumb now.
Anger is like Klingons. The more you feel it, the more you honor their warrior society.
You will invent a flavorless geopolymer cement for use in marine environments.
Tarzan is a man's man.
Goniad!
Somebody does it better!
Glandular apoxia is your birthright!
You will meet Tweedledon't.
You believe there are thought bubbles over your head.
A culture without art is like a mime.
Crime will pay, in unexpected way.
Why aren't rappers called rappists?
You’ve smelled like a Muppet this week.