I don't even know what it means to “be myself”. Whenever I try to find myself I find nothing at all. Yet, it is required that I should be “someone”. Have you ever noticed that whenever you are with people they are trying to define you? “You are so good or bad at this or that”. People will always tell you that you're a great artist or businessman or mother or friend or whatever. If they say something good it is easy to believe, but also when they say something bad over and over again you will believe it. “You are such a bad friend”, “you're so slow”, “you always forget everything” and so on. Eventually you will believe it and start filling the role of the “bad friend” or the “lazy one” or whatever you think you are. Sometimes it is true, but it is never true ALL the time. You are not the same person today as you where tomorrow, but somehow we don't like to believe that. We want people to be predictable so we know what we can talk to them about. For some reason we feel safe if we think we know each other. But do we really know each other?
Playing your role
Have you ever noticed that in any friend group each member are playing a role? One is the clown, one is the smart one, one is the weirdo and one is the pretty and cocky one. But are these roles we chose to play really who we are? Maybe you have gotten used to playing a certain role and you have become pretty good at it, but don't you ever ask yourself “Is this all I am?”. We don't want to keep that thought for too long thouh because that is scary, if you are not that character than what are you? It is better to limit yourself to a prison than not knowing who you are. Isn't it?
The danger of solitude
Most of us need to be with people to feel safe. After all we are totally dependent on them. We need them to get a job, friends, family help with the house and so on. To be worthy of life we need to be valuable to others in some way or another. If people find you valuable they will hire you, treat you with respect and give you space and freedom to flourish. To not be of value to others is dangerous, being the social outcast means poverty, shame, limitation and possibly even death. It is getting increasingly harder to justify your existence because the box labeled “normal” is getting smaller. So what are we doing to meet the ever increasing demands for survival in the modern society? We please people. We do anything we can to be pleasing so that people with power might help us and make us feel safe. We work hard in the office or the factory to impress the Boss. We put on makeup and operate our bodies to look prettier so we can be of value in a sexual way. No matter what you do it is most likely to make someone else happy. Just ask yourself Why am I Steeming?
My experience with “being myself”
For me being myself is a pretty disruptive and deep cut from everything I know to be safe. For example some girls can wear makeup and still feel like they are being themselves. Dressing up and putting on “the face” is not a pathological activity for them. It is fun, playful and creative. For me it is a total disaster, it makes me feel like a vain, petty, shallow and pathetic piece of shit. I just can't do it while keeping my integrity intact. So in that respect I have no choice but being the anti makeup rebel. For me it is worth taking the risk of looking ugly to keep my sanity.
The benefit of solitude
This have taught me to be more careless about how other people perceive me. I used to do anything to be invisible and please people by simply not provoking any negative emotions in them. I have come to see that this is an endless and impossible task. It is both an act of violence against myself because I'm constantly trying to change, and it is an act of distrust against the other because I can't be honest with them. I would say that yes it is possible to be yourself, but for many of us that can be a really scary act of trust and surrender. I have to give up my need for safety to gain my freedom to just be. This is something I'm still struggling with and I tend to avoid people a lot in the process. Being alone with my thoughts have helped me to understand my fear and insecurities. For me meditation is the best way to connect with my “true self” and forget about all the perceived demands on me from other people. I have come to see that my fear is mostly only in my head, and if you try to let go of your fear of judgement from others you might be surprised to find that no one actually cares! That is one of the most freeing insights I have ever had. No one really care about what you say or how you look or how you feel, they have enough with their own experience to care about yours as well.
