At the risk of sounding like an Eeyore, I'll mention (again) that I do not like my job and it's not a good atmosphere at all, but I am not ready to leave it yet because I live in New York City and am terrified of not being able to cover my rent. However, I am living with that fear and making many forays into other things, taking concrete steps towards changing my life financially, including joining Steemit and exploring cryptocurrencies. While I know I have at least a year left at this job - my goal is to have something else set up in less than 1 year - I have gone up and down every week on whether I am valiantly looking to the future and getting through it the best I can or if I am down in the dumps. Some days I can't face it at all and I feel physically ill at the thought of going. Other times I get through an entire week doing all of my projects efficiently and not even worrying about the small stuff. But lately I have been extra depressed and annoying about everything. The fear of the dragon lady who is one of the officers of our company who has a way of making you feel about two inches tall makes my stomach drop when I walk into the office. I try never to make eye contact with her. And then there's my sarcastic boss with his weird, bitter grin and mirthless, contemptuous laugh, who always had 5 better ways of doing the thing you just did than the way you did it.
I am obsessed with finding a way to replace my day job income so that I can do the 101 things I have been putting off for so many years. And I could get another job in the same industry, but they're basically all the same job. The same job for the last 17 years, different faces, different names but the same thing.
And I was feeling extra self-judgmental for the fact that I thought everyone else seemed to be doing well there, seemed to be happy. Hey, they can make this work. Why can't I?
Then today one of my colleagues whispered to me that this was his last day and that he didn't have anything lined up yet but that he just couldn't stand it anymore. I was amazed. And sad to see him go, though of course a bit envious and full of admiration for this type of bravery. He lives on Long Island and their rents aren't as bad as Manhattan, but still, the fear must be there. All of this got around 1,000 times more interesting and exciting when I figured out some of his team were taking him to lunch for his last day and I texted them to ask if I could join. They're a tight knit group and I am technically in another department, so I didn't want to presume. But the text came back giving me the address where they were and I started off over there. Bear in mind that this is maybe the second time in a year that I've actually taken a lunch break. Almost everyone just works through lunch with a sandwich at their desk. So I almost felt guilty for leaving the office, wondering what our COO would think, etc. But then I realized that was ridiculous.
When I got the restaurant I wasn't sure the group would accept me as again their little group is close and their interests are sometimes pitted against my team's, business-wise. But I got a wonderfully warm welcome and they were all saying they were so glad that I showed up. I gave my departing colleague a hug and offered to buy his next beer. What happened after that was a minor bombshell to me. Every single member of this group starting talking about how miserable they are at this company, that the way we are treated is terrible, that morale is at an all-time low, etc. They were betting each other about which of us would be the next to leave and trading tips for places that were hiring. I don't know how I missed it, but once again I had taken everything on myself and assumed I was alone in how I felt. All this time. And when I told them that none of them could believe that I hadn't realized everyone was miserable! And they even validated how nasty some of the things were that the boss had done and said to me and wondered why I hadn't just walked out! So all of my internalizing and telling myself to "suck it up" really wasn't necessary. And then we all laughed and had a great time, with that enspiriting mix of camaraderie and conspiracy that a like-minded group with a common enemy can generate. I left feeling 1,000 times better about my situation, knowing that it wasn't just me. And it may sound awful and maybe self-defeating that I am still staying there, but I really believe I can use this place as a stepping stone, a stable financial base while I build my other revenue streams. And now that I know people are on my side I don't think I'll take anything to heart anymore that the boss says. I'll be able to simply exchange a glance with one of my confederates and know that "soon" we will all be moving on to better places.