My supposition is that you are trapped being an asshole because you repress your emotions and true nature. Were you actually willing to express all that you deeply felt, and were it that you felt heard and understood and accepted, you wouldn't be such an asshole. Simple right. Freedom on this Earth is the absence of fear. Fear of death, fear of looking stupid, fear of being ugly, fear of badgers. If it all went away (those simple thoughts you cling to) you would feel free in an astounding way.
The truth is you are trapped by your own reflection. What I mean is; You have a need to be seen in the way you think you ought to be seen by each individual (even if a deeper part of you feels that to be negative). When you are with your nan, you want to reflect her. You want to be sweet and nice and not talk to her about anal sex or David Cameron. When you are with your mate, you want to reflect him, you want to be funny and cool and not talk to him about chanting aum at yoga, or David Cameron. When you are with a stranger, you want to reflect their standoffish blank stare that keeps you from knowing each other, and not talk about David Cameron.
Here is an approximation of how I smile at black people if I pass them in my town:
Not now so much that I'm aware of it, but I have definitely used that face. I grew up in a very white place with a lot of very white guilt. This isn't my normal face. I'm not being authentic me. I'm being the person I feel like because of the weird pressures of society.
It's a face that says 'I'm sorry for all the racists. I'm not one of them, honest Mr black man. I think you're just like me. Sorry for my inherent advantages.'
I have no clue who the person is in front of me. I don't even recognise all this in the moment of the awkward guilty smile. I just do it, because it is programmed into my subconscious.
Authentic me would smile like this:
This is a face that says 'Hello fellow human! I think there is no real separation and I am you and you are me, and we are all just expressions of the Godhead kinda trying to learn and evolve itself. Isn't that cool?'
This face is kinda intense, maybe even creepy in our judgemental world, but what do I care? This is authentic me believing in unity and seeing myself and loving myself through your eyes as well as mine so what is there to worry about?
You are stuck feeling not so great about who you are because you are constantly someone that you are not. This is not authentic you. It is a myriad of characters you have played your whole life, for the people in it, because you are fixated on the notion that you have to be. They are doing the same of course, to a greater or lesser degree. How many people can you truly stand in front of and be exactly who you are, without thought of their perception?
I want freedom from these things. I want to feel free from my old school friends perception of who I still am. I want to feel not judged by my parents and family about accepting new ideas and values. I want to feel free from embarrassment when I embrace things that I have deemed to be stupid or naive in the past, because of my lack of understanding. I don't know how to find this freedom, sorry assholes, I bet you thought I had an answer.
I still feel trapped within myself. I feel stuck inside a person that I used to be, and I'm ok with, but no longer feel I am. Meditation helps, new people help, new places help. Any other ideas? Let me know ok, thanks.
I rarely post talks from women, I should probably take a look at my inherent sexism, meh:
