Okay guys this is a big thing for me. I posted this on my blog a while ago now and recently those demons have come back with a vengeance. I thought this would be a perfect first post. If you struggle with similar problems I would appreciate any comments or incites.
These words sprang to mind so I thought id share them... don't be too harsh I am not an literary genius. I am just a common Yorkshire lass with thoughts to share so let me know what you think....
It is a bit long .. hope you don't get bored reading it ...
2 against 1
My eyes flicker as I wake.
Another day is dawning and I slowly rise from my bed.
For a second I feel good, but then I turn around and she is there.
"Think you could get rid of me did you?? haha.. no.. not so easily" she screeches, her voice sounding like a siren.
I turn away and try to shut her out.
"Ah, ah, ah.. come on now. It has been ten years already have you not learned yet" she laughs, with the eerie witches cackle that makes my skin crawl.
The shadows close in and i feel the darkness rising..
"No" I cry. "Not today!. Today will be a good day and you will not defeat me"
My body feels weak but I know my mind is strong. I reach for that little white pill, hoping it dulls that screeching voice that pierces through me like a knife.
I remind myself she cannot get to me unless I let her.
The urge to stay in bed, close my eyes and go back to sleep to shut her out grows inside me but I fight it.
My mind races..Every day you do this.. why? why can't you just leave me alone to be happy?.. my eyes fill with tears but I hold them back.
I tell myself to stay positive and think about what makes me happy..Family.
As I step out of the door he appears..
"ooooh do you want to go out there?? really? what will people think when they look at you? are you really going to inflict that kind of misery on the world?" he sneers as he stares at me with his dark eyes, as black as night.
"Not you too!. " i sigh.. "move out of my way"
I take a deep breath and charge through him as though my life depends on it.
For now the demons back off..for now my mind is calm..
As the day passes I play the role i'm supposed to.
I am becoming better at putting on this mask and costume to hide the person behind the character, the person people don't want to see.
I hate it. It is so itchy. It feels as though I am being attacked by tiny ants and I cannot wait to get home.
Suddenly I can't breathe, the room is getting smaller and it feels like my air is being turned off, the anger builds up in me and I feel ready to explode like a pressure cooker at any given moment.
They are here..I can feel you..
I close my eyes, take a deep breath in.
My lungs fill up like a balloon and as I breathe out I push them back down where they belong and carry on playing my character in this never ending play.
The weekend comes and I jump out of bed with all the excitement of a child on Christmas morning. Time to go see the family and finally take off this mask.
I feel as free as a bird, as light as a feather and for a short time they stay away....but not for long
I go back home.. to my empty apartment, alone again and I see them slouched on my sofa rubbing their hands together staring at me with eyes can see deep inside me..my every fear..
Off to bed I go.. the only place I can go when I am alone and they cannot get in.. My dreams are mine and they cannot take them away from me too..
"Don't worry " they snigger "we didn't get you today but there is always tomorrow"
"Good luck with that" I laugh even though I feel a shiver running down my spine as cold as ice.
Tomorrow is another day and I know they will try again but I am stronger than they think.
Living with depression and anxiety is a daily struggle but the best way to deal with it is to just take one day at a time. Don't try to climb a mountain in a day it will never work.
I would really like some honest opinions on this so let me know in the comments below
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