Dear Such and Such, So and So, and Whomever,
I'm writing in response to your previous letter and its baseless accusations.
First of all, I have been a loyal patron of your zoo for the past 2 years. Every weekend, I take my lunch and sit in your lovely gardens to watch the animals. I have developed quite the rapport with both the staff and the animals and am very hurt that our interactions have come to this.
No, I did not abduct Monterey, Felix, Gary and Roy (the ducks you failed to properly name in your missive). I simply did not notice that they were sitting, quite quietly I might add, in the back of my car. I ask you, how often do you check your backseat while driving?
Nor did I scheme some sort of convoluted plan to lure them into my car using pellets. You have had the pellets available for visitors ever since I began visiting your establishment. Occasionally, one may forget that she has two pocketfuls of pellets remaining and I am embarrassed to say that there was a hole in both pockets (I'm not the best with sewing).
Yes, I'm sure that the video did show me opening all of my car doors. I like the smell of fresh air when I drive but absolutely hate the loud sound. I've made it a habit to open all of my doors when parked. Despite the paper's claims in the rise of crime, I haven't had any sort of issue. Are you insinuating that the other visitors to your zoo are thieves?
In closing, this is an innocent string of events, culminating in my having four new houseguests. I feel that since they went to the effort of following me home, I should be a gracious host and put them up for at least a few days, maybe a month.
If you have any thoughts, please let me know.
Sincerely,
The Accused
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