The waitress dropped a dollar on the table, saying "Said the new haircut looked like a sea hag's." as she rushed past carrying a tray of beers.
"What was that about?" I asked as Alan pulled out his cell phone and started typing.
"It's for the show." He put his phone away and picked up his beer, taking a long swig before turning to watch the band who had clearly just learned how to hold their instruments.
Thinking she meant the scraggly hair of the keyboardist banging away, I agreed. "What, these guys? Are you kidding me? That's why I told you we should have gone down to Smokey's. He doesn't let his brother get anywhere near the stage."
A man in a flannel walked up to the table, slammed down a dollar and firmly told Alan, "Blocked her truck at the post office." He waited, staring, until the Alan sighed and typed into his phone.
"I forget one time..." Alan muttered under his breath. "Yeah. But The Canal has the best show."
Just as I was about to tell him that his taste in music sucked, our librarian came over. Handing Alan a handful of bills she smiled and said, "She was three weeks overdue and refuses to pay the fine. I left a little gift in her yard."
Alan lost it. Loud, deep belly laughs erupted from him as he put down his phone and began clapping. "Rose...", he gasped, "You're too damn much!"
Through the next two songs, people continued to come to the table, adding to the pile of money while Alan typed furiously, trying to keep up.
"Said Mrs. Furbottom was fat."
"Left the extra side of sauce out of the bag."
"Told Lisa where she really was Friday night."
"Put her paper in the hedges."
The awful brother's band was screeching through "Dirty Diana" when the door to the bar slammed open and Audrey stomped in. Alan grinned, looked over at me and said "Showtime!"
Hair wild, eyes crazy, and wearing a snarl, Audrey strode through the bar, glaring at every table she passed. By the time she reached the center of the room, the band had stopped playing and all eyes were on her.
Raising her hand, which held three bright and garishly cheerful plastic lawn flamingos she yelled, "Which one of you fuckers left these pink pieces of shit in my yard?"
As the catcalls, screaming and mayhem commenced, I dropped my head into my hands. I lived in a town full of assholes.
This story went longer than the five minutes.
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💚Thank you for reading!