For the past few years I have tried emptying myself from negativity, and filling my soul with many positive things. The me ten years ago would never thought that there would come a day where I need to re learn positivity, it just shows how we as human could change drastically in just a few years. When I first had depression I didn't even realized it, and when I was suspicious of it, I often tried to brush it off and think that I just had to manage my mind. It wasn't as easy as I thought.
It started with small anxiety that gradually builds up, and on mid 2015 I reached a point where everything just feels dark. I remember at that time I laid on the hospital bed, staring blankly and just wished to at least feel nothing. Feeling nothing would at least be better than helplessness, at least my mind wouldn't be wandering about, at least my tears won't be running down every two hours.
When I started to feel better, I realized that having positivity is much better than feeling nothing. I realized that one of the factors for my anxiety was the feeling of nothingness for my future. I didn't know what I wanted to do, I didn'tknow how to take the burden from my mother, I was feeling like I was nothing and in the end that nothing-ness was what led me to my illness.
As of the moment I am proud to say that I am cured from depression, realistically 90% cured but in faith I know I am 100% cured. My anxiety is still around, but I regard this as something that I could learn from. Maybe I couldn't see it now, but I know from what ever experience I had one day it could be used as a tool to help people around me.
Not one of us is nothing. Even if we weren't planned, even if we had wasted most of our lives, we are worth something. No time is too late as long as we are breathing, so bask ourselves n love, in positivity. There is a purpose in each of us. We might not be saving the world but we could be the light of someone's world.
It feels really nice getting this off my chest. I had talked baout it before to people around me but writing is definitely a medium that helps me to sort out my thoughts. I live in a third world country, and one or two decade ago if someone has mental disorders they were immediately taken to the mental instituation. I remember in the 90s, one of my cousin had a terrible shock. She was living in Canada at that time but had to quickly come back to Singapore because she couldn't function like she did in her daily life. I was living with her family at that time too and I know there was something wrong with her but I was still a child.
However, I never thought of her as crazy. I accompany her to the mall, to restaurants etc and she didn't do anything weird, it was just that she couldn't control her anger at times and exploded. When she exploded it is like as if she forgot about her surrounding. This was honestly due to stress in her that did not get treated. My aunt then brought her to my country and put her in the mental institute. Indonesia in the 90s are not aware about many mental disorders, so she was instantly diagnosed with insanity and given medicine for those kind of problems. After the medications, it actually made her worse, this time she completely forgot about her surroundings, and for a few months she doesn't know who she is how what she is doing.
The consequences of that was that she ends up not being able to have her periods for years and ten years later a tumor was found at the back of her brain. In the 2010s, Indonesia's awareness of mental disorder has improved no matter how small it is. However it is still kind of a taboo and people don't really realize the gravity of it even when we tried to explain it to them. I really hope that in the future people in my country would be more aware and more considerate of it, so not only will they be able to help but they could give teh right reatment for those who needed treatment.
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