As tears cascaded down my face soaking my pillow, I couldn't wrap my mind around what had happened. What kind of a mother would insult her own child?
I had my moments when I could block the negativity that came from her but other times I would wallow away in my thoughts to avoid any suicide missions. 'I do not deserve this,' I reminded myself every day.
Her insults, her rude stares and finding any way to make me feel inferior fueled her satisfaction. I would be quick to say that I was adopted, but the mirror would remind me not to fool myself. We were identical, unfortunately!
Did I remind her of her mother? But no, she held her very sacred in her prayers. Maybe I damaged her in the time of birth, but was it my fault? I had no chronicles of how I even landed here.
Then again, maybe it was all for the best since the older I got, I became a better human than the animal inside her. It became very hard for us to be in one room since it was a reminder of why the trust was just a word between us and love was blown by the wind, way before I could call her 'Mother'.
At family gatherings, I was an alien crawling for affection, since every mother and daughter had their hugs here and giggles there, except one mother and daughter.
Being compared with other female peers was her way of playing cards. If I defended myself, which came out in form of anger once provoked, she covered her sins by saying, 'Just calm down, seat and pray. It's the devil speaking from your mouth'.
Despite the moments of mourning, discomfort, and sadness, God returned happiness in my life. Forgiveness was a painful pill to swallow having so much resentment but it got easier as years passed.
The 'few' bad years flew by. A large part of my childhood was drawn out of my mind as a vivid dream. It wasn't worth focusing on anymore now that the source of all her actions was evident: our father!
It was a game of decades that broke a family and nobody wept or held on to any special memories because there were none.
My tear glands had long since run dry.
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Thank you, my dear reader,
For taking the time to sip some tea with me and cuddle to the unknown. I'll lay the firewood and you warm up in the teepee as we explore different encounters with life.
Love & Light💚
Original content by Naitore 2019
Photo by Kat J on Unsplash