My therapist always punches me out of my narratives.
When I'm telling a story that already has my ending, it's really my way of distracting myself from the problems I left behind unsolved. My anecdotes can go far into making us feel like our human experience really go hand in hand.
What am I so scared to express that is really me?
I'm scared that I'm a phony. That every justifiable accomplishment that I've had in this life holds no true meaning in the face of my demons. I aimed to please others and sacrificed so much time that should have been towards mastering trades.
It's almost as if my whole life contained people who caged me in their narratives. About their fear for the stock market. The fear of not having money. The fear of digging a deeper debt. The fear of being lonely.
When you're busy feeling your parasympathetic fight or flight, your nervous system overloading because some neuron decided to bug out, your spirit then starts seeking relief. Some sort of pain killer for all the uncertainty that is causing the trembling suffering that slows time down while your hand is stuck on the burning stove.
Then the society around you, Google, and all the porn in the world demands your participation. It promises the relief you're seeking. The help that you should be researching. The knowledge that validates the fear that you cannot unsee.
We are willing to be deceived if it means reaching the point of salvation for the suffering that is taking place.
If it means we feel the win regardless of how short sighted the victory really is.
Then you look back. And regret. And lose sleep. And the world of what if comes around and paints a "successful you" in spite of your shortcomings as a faithful servant towards bettering your true self.
You may have a bunch of FUD in your life that really cowers your soul and degrades your backbone. I'm writing this to remind myself that it is indeed something that I experience very frequently and often times I am suffering lossses
But the key is not to win.
My key is managing my losses by revision. By writing my thought out on steemit and not editing my thoughts. By letting my cowardly heart grow with every given attempt to be better at writing. To engage in free write and improve my style over time with constructive criticism.
I thank you all for being here with me on my journey to healing. :)
